Monday, June 21, 2010

father's day

happy father's day to all the fathers.

i spoke to my dad yesterday and got a few good laughs in. all before letting him go so he could dedicate his full attention to tiger woods (you'd think tiger was his third child).

i spoke to my father(-in-law) too. shared some laughs. and shared some sorrows. though he and i share the sentiment that one day/holiday isn't necessarily more difficult than any other day, i do know how special father's day was for him, Jarronn, and my brother(-in-law). even in the times when all he wanted to do was have pizza at home from their favorite spot or just not go anywhere. the boys did just as he asked and made it his day.

and i'm saddened to know how much Jarronn's death has hurt his father. how it has challenged his faith. and challenged his spirit. i've even talked to Jarronn about it in my dreams with him. when he's asked me how his father is doing. and i've told him he's taking it really hard. and in turn, Jarronn's face turns sad and concerned.

the truth is, it's not the natural order of things. for a man (or woman) to bury a child. and Jarronn's father reminded me of that as we stood in the emergency room looking at his son's body. parents invest dreams in their children. perhaps even in a different way than how a person invests dreams in their spouse.  i'm trying to deal with my deferred dreams, but i wish i could do more for Jarronn's parents.

father's day also reminds me of how much i wanted to see Jarronn as a father. how we'd talked about it not being a given that we'd be able to have children but how much we wanted them. and he always thought we'd make a good team, because he was a morning person and i stay up late (i'm sure there were some other reasons too.) he wanted something like five kids, and i told him i thought we should start with one and then see if he still felt the same way. but it wasn't surprising coming from someone who absolutely loved children. he was a fantastic godfather (he was playing the wii with one of his godsons at home on the night he died). and making a child laugh was probably one of his greatest joys.

i rounded out the day by reaching out to the fathers in my life. something that i know Jarronn would have done, being the great friend that he was. i wish that the kids of all of those men could have known uncle/goddaddy Jarronn in a deeper, longer-lasting way.

but this story gives me hope...posted on Jarronn's facebook wall back in may by a dear friend, joe:

Freezy! Was sitting in the car with the kids the other filling Mother's day out in secrecy. Well, Josiah happened to be sitting shotgun filling out his share. When trying to get Men In Black to play for him, the iTouch shuffled instead to Kirk Franklin's My Life, My Love, My All. Josiah immediately looked up to me with a face I'll never forget and said with a smile "I like this song......It reminds me of Mr. Jarronn." I told him it reminds me as well. Thanks for being my friend, and part of my family's lives. Miss you brother! Well Done!


when there are lulls in my posting, it typically means one of two things: 1) life is extremely busy with deadlines, events, etc. or 2) there's a multitude of thoughts and feelings floating around in my head, but i can't quite figure out how to articulate them.

this recent lull has been due to the latter of the two circumstances. lots of thoughts. lots of feelings. but not lots of ability to put those things into words. not lots of motivation either.

so i try not to force it...

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

the recurring dream

i've always tended to have dreams that were on the crazy side. or at least on the long side. Jarronn would always comment on how the recaps of my dreams seemed to go on and on, full with "and then"s. my dreams hardly tend to convey one comprehensible storyline. instead, they jump around from place to place. people morph into other people. and they often relate to something that i heard or experienced in the day before.

for years, i've had a recurring dream that takes on slightly different details each time but always has the same central theme. i'm enrolled in a course for school, and somehow i've gone the entire semester without attending any classes. and i realize this on the day of a huge exam that's worth half my grade. 

and so i panic.

and i'm so relieved when i wake up.

a bit strange, i know, but i have in fact spoken to at least five other people who have a similar recurring dream. what it means? i couldn't begin to tell you.

in the past 10 months, i've developed a new recurring dream. and like the other one, there are always slightly different details, but always the same central theme. Jarronn is back. he never was dead. just away. somewhere. but never dead. and i am happy. and think about how to share the news with everyone. and i am ready to pick up where we left off. to do all those things i'd hoped to do. to go back to being a wife. to get on with my life. and while it all doesn't make logical sense, it feels simple. 

and so i embrace it.

and i'm so disappointed when i wake up.

Monday, June 7, 2010

what others know

on some level, i guess we're all limited in knowing what other people know/think about us. if we meet the friend of a friend, we're typically completely oblivious of the details our friend has shared with that person. whether they be good or bad details. and in the days of the internet and online social networks, the same can be said for the strangers we meet.

but i guess my situation circumstances have heightened this for me. have made me more aware of how much i don't know about what others know. about me.

sure, i have this blog, which some people choose to read. and some of those people publicly follow the blog, and their username lets me know who they are. but others read without following. and still others follow without a recognizable identity. and some people don't read or follow, but they've heard my story.

and it becomes this interesting thing. where at times i interact with people and find myself wondering if they know about me. what they know about me. or i find myself assuming someone knows my story, based on their associations with people i know. sometimes my assumptions are right. but just as many times, my assumptions are wrong.

and it may not seem like a big deal. in fact -- one day, it likely won't be a big deal (which is both a good and sad thing). but right now, as there's still a level of freshness to all of this, it matters. it shapes the way i relate to people. what i say and don't say. the things i avoid. my level of comfort. how much i brace for impact.

in the days after Jarronn died, when i had first gone back to work, my commute was one of the hardest parts of my day. it was during that time -- an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening -- that i felt thrust into the world and like an alien on a foreign planet. i was riding and walking with people who were going about their daily routines at a time when nothing in my life felt scheduled, on track, or planned. and as i walked down the street and people passed me by, all i could think was that they had no idea what i was going through. and that surely, if they did -- even as strangers -- there'd be no way for them to just go about their routine. that maybe they would want life to stop just like i did. even if just for a moment.

but that's not how it goes. how it works. the world keeps turning. life keeps going. and i get further and further away from my loss being the primary detail that's shared about me. and what others know about me.