one day at a time

tradition from tragedy

2011-12-06T13:40:00.001-05:00

i've often made mention here of how amazing my friends are.

probably not enough. but i also don't want to get anyone jealous or anything. :-)

in the days, weeks, months and even years following Jarronn's passing, i've been overwhelmed by the kindness and thoughtfulness of many people. and my closest friends have done nothing but prove why we've been so close for more than a decade.

a few months after Jarronn died, my closest girlfriends arranged a trip to arizona for my birthday. the trip was everything i needed, right when i needed it.

one year later, in 2010, we got the group together for a trip to charlottesville, va. we rented a beautiful house and toured some of virginia's best wineries.

this year, the group got a little smaller, due to scheduling conflicts and other challenges. but six of us kept the party going in philly.

as we packed up to head home, we each shared things we were thankful for. our bonds with each other. our acceptance of one another. the longevity of our friendships. and for me, i couldn't help but be reminded of why we started taking these trips in the first place and why i find them to be so special.

i'm thankful that our beautiful tradition of trips sprung out of tragedy.

sedona, az 2009

charlottesville, va 2010

philadelphia, pa 2011

give thanks

2011-11-24T10:54:00.001-05:00

happy thanksgiving to you and yours.

i pray that we enjoy our loved ones, and feast not just on food but on thoughts of how we've been blessed throughout the year.

and for those who know the feeling of holidays not quite being as they used to, i pray that those same thoughts give us some comfort.

thanks to everyone who takes the time to read.

love,
jessica

---

i'm thankful...

for God's love.
for good health. for a loving family.
for beauty in nature. for new music finds.
for not taking myself too seriously.
for old friends. for new friends. for loyalty.
for confidence. for pretty things. for new business.
for the things that make us different and the commonalities that bind us together.
for delicious food. for yoga. for beautiful shelter.
for side-splitting laughter.
for my chance to experience true love.
for my chance to watch my story unfold.

cab rides

2011-10-24T16:47:00.000-04:00

i've come to the conclusion that some of my best conversations take place while i ride in the back of d.c. cabs. whether it's talking about what it's like in a driver's country of origin (drivers from Sudan and i always have lots to talk about), or hearing tales of wild riders coming from adams morgan, or getting advice on my love life and the value of marriage...i'm always engaged and entertained.

i had another interesting conversation with a driver a couple weeks ago.

it was a short ride up connecticut avenue, as i was trying to make up lost time and save my feet from aggravation. the driver and i somehow got on the topic of age. most strangers tend to think i'm several years younger than i am, and we talked about that for a bit. the driver brought up the fact that age is really all relative (and no, this wasn't a set up for a bad pick-up line). that if you're 35, but going to live until you're 94, it's pretty accurate to call you "young." but if you're 13-years-old and going to die at age 17, you're actually pretty "old."

and this conversation reminded me of words i'd heard before. at Jarronn's memorial service, from the mouth of our pastor.

when Jarronn turned 29 (the same age i turned on friday), he was old. far, far older than he realized. far older than any of us realized. the understanding of this frequently bothers me. that he was so unaware of his mortality and his limited time. i try to consider whether knowing death is near is better or worse, and i can't come to any solid conclusion. but it does seem that having a better awareness of your "actual" age, might bring special opportunities to live a certain way, to say certain things, to tend to certain details.

last week my age increased, but i still have no idea if i'm young or old. i guess few of us really do. the question is...if i knew, would i do anything differently?

imagine that

2011-10-04T09:35:00.001-04:00

when i was 16

2011-10-03T16:19:00.000-04:00

getting settled into my new place has been a steady process. i sold a lot of the furniture from the house and had to get new things that would fit in a space that's 1/3 the size of the old place.

it's been a constant flow of adding a new piece, unpacking another box, and finding space to put things away. over the weekend, i got through one of the final boxes, which contained binders and folders and other miscellaneous items from our office.

i came across a blue mead notebook, which served as my journal when i was 15/16. i was never really good at keeping a daily journal and have made several poor attempts to do so. i guess having recognized that about myself, this particular journal was more like a collection of "essays" about different subjects. it also had corresponding collages of photos and magazine clippings that related to the different topics.

flipping through the pages was pretty interesting. first, it's obvious that everything in the life of a 15-year-old seems far more dramatic than it actually is. as i read over my take on school (i was kind of angry), my first love (i was worse than a bad soap opera), and age (i was so ready to be grown), i couldn't help but recognize how time provides perspective.

i was also surprised to see that there was an essay dedicated to the topic of "death."

it seems that 10 years before Jarronn's passing, i was dealing with events such as the massacre at Columbine and my grandfather's deteriorating health -- all of which made me reflect on my own mortality, my beliefs about the after life, and the impact of losing a loved one.

in my reflection, i acknowledged that death was a part of life but still wrote that i couldn't comprehend the idea of my mom, dad, brother, or friends suddenly dying.

"we're supposed to be invincible, so how can my friends die? and how would i live afterwards? how could i look at the world in the same light? my shield will be shattered to pieces."

(i told y'all i was dramatic).

the truth is, even after maturing by 10 years, this was one perspective that didn't really change. while i knew i'd keep living, imagining a new reality after Jarronn died was extremely difficult. and 10 more years from now, i'm not sure that the sudden death of any of my loved ones will be easier to face.

but reading this, i thought about being able to respond to my 16-year-old self's questions and tell her - "nothing can really prepare you, but you'll just find a way."

good reading

2011-09-08T17:31:00.000-04:00

as a lead up to the 10-year anniversary of 9/11, the washington post has been featuring a series of stories focused on different people/families affected by the events of that day.

one particular article focused on a widow and her family, 10 years later, dealing with their "new normal." though the circumstances of Jarronn's death are certainly different, i found the article deeply moving and could relate to so much that was described in it, even some of the words the widow used are ones i've heard come out my own mouth. a few examples...

being ok, but being a mess.

not expecting to get better, and not knowing if you want to, because what does that really mean?

     searching for an identity outside of the loss.

losing 10 pounds in a week.

selective self-disclosure.

     "i guess God thinks i am stronger than i thought."

trying to draw the line between remembering and living.

feeling like it's foolish to plan ahead.

     and there's no such thing as perfect control. sometimes planes crash.

it's a long read, but i think it's really worthwhile. as someone who spends a lot of time writing, i thought the reporter (eli saslow) did an exceptional job.

9/11 widow still trying to find her new normal since the Pentagon attack

more inspiration...

2011-08-18T17:32:00.000-04:00

love me some wynonna judd. thanks to momma etelle (my mother-in-law) for sharing this.

changes

2011-08-17T14:48:00.002-04:00

lots of changes recently. the biggest one, which i haven't yet shared here is that last month i moved out of the house Jarronn and i lived in (commonly known by friends and family as 'JNJ Estates').

right after Jarronn passed away, there were several people who assumed that i'd want to move out of the house, in order to escape the memories. and there were still people who assumed my recent move was a result of trying to escape emotional baggage. but truthfully, being in our house never made me sad (at least not consciously). it was home. the place we had renovated and decorated together. ours.

if anything, i was inclined to stay in the house, knowing how much Jarronn loved it and how much he wanted it to be. the go-to place for holidays, cookouts on the deck, game nights in the living room, and shooting pool in the basement.

but with him being gone, a lot of those things weren't happening. and while having a home of my own was a blessing, it wasn't something i planned to do without him.

with everything i've been through, i've had to become more focused on doing what's best for me. ultimately, i moved because the house couldn't be what i needed it to be. i needed simplicity. i needed more security. i needed to be closer to things i love in the city. i needed more sunlight. i needed less responsibility. i needed a fresh start.

and so while it took almost two years to arrive at the decision, i'm happy with the one i made. and i think Jarronn would be happy with it too.

now, on to another change, which you probably noticed. the blog has a new layout/design. i thought it was long overdue. (in case you're wondering, the background photo was taken from our spot in jamaica, where i placed Jarronn's ashes.)

application

2011-08-01T16:07:00.003-04:00

someone recently posted a comment in response to my post about the paradox of grief. the person asked how i apply the concept, and i started to write a response in the comment section. but then i realized my response was probably long enough for a post of its own. so here it is...

my post:
to lose means that you once had.
and that, in itself, is something to be cherished.

--

original comment:

Anonymous said...: how do you apply that? That's something I find it very hard to do..people say that to me, but I can't seem to do it. --

my response:
how do i apply it? well, to the person who asked the question -- i'm not sure where you are in your stage of grieving, but i know that i've been constantly reminded that while there aren't tons of people who have experienced the loss i have, there are lots of people who also haven't experienced the kind of love i was blessed to have.

i can choose to focus on what i lost, or i can also choose to focus on what i had.

for some people, the loss of a parent hits them very hard. in those moments, the person grieving can choose to focus on the loss of that person or on the fact that they were incredibly blessed to have a parent who loved them, supported them, and shaped them into the person they are happy to be today. there are so many people who don't experience the kind of relationship they want to have with their parents.

for other people, it might be the loss of a child. the grieving person can choose to focus on the loss of the child or on the fact that they were incredibly blessed to have a child who brought them joy, made an impact on other lives, and made them proud. it's often said that no parent should have to suffer the loss of a child (and I can only imagine how the pain feels). but there are also so many people who want nothing more than to have a child, and for one reason or another, that hasn't been the plan for their life -- whether due to relationship status, health reasons, or other factors.

i say all of this not in an attempt to diminish the very real pain we all feel when we lose someone who is close to us. the same goes for the loss of a relationship, job, home, and other significant item. it hurts. it's tough. it feels unfair. it often has no rhyme or reason.

but when i look at my own situation -- even with my knowledge that what i had seems to have been tragically cut short -- i know that there are people out there who long to experience one month of what i felt. maybe even just one week.

i was blessed to have it for five beautiful years.

and while i still cry, the tears don't only represent the pain. the tears also represent all the good i had. otherwise, there'd be nothing to cry about.

though my loss feels nothing like a blessing, i only feel my loss so deeply because i had something so very wonderful. i'm thankful for what i had. i recognize it's something that many others wish for. i strive to not let it be overshadowed by the loss i feel today.

inspiration

2011-07-18T09:52:00.005-04:00

I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'

- Lamentations 3:19-24

the paradox of grief

2011-07-12T15:00:00.005-04:00

to lose means that you once had.

and that, in itself, is something to be cherished.

in the audience

2011-06-22T23:51:00.002-04:00

earlier this week, i had another dream with Jarronn.

i was standing in front of a group of people, giving some kind of speech or presentation. at times i felt nervous, and i was working hard to get my point across.

later on, i was seated at a round table, talking to a smaller group of people, maybe eight or so. somehow, i started talking about the meaning of life. i'm not sure now, nor was i sure in my dream, about what qualified me to coach on this deep subject. but at the same time, i knew i was passionate about the subject.

i told the people at the table that life is about doing for others. that we have to fight the urge to do just for ourselves. that we should become less selfish. that we should choose the option that helps others and not just ourselves.

once i finished talking, i left the room and sat on the ground. i was feeling like i had talked too much (a feeling some might be surprised to know i often feel in real life). while sitting on the ground, Jarronn walked up and sat down on the ground across from me. i hadn't noticed his presence while i was speaking, but he'd apparently been there.

he told me i did a good job. he referenced a point in my speaking where he knew i was nervous, but that i recovered and got through it nicely. i appreciated the affirmation and encouragement.

i woke up, and i was reminded of a presentation Jarronn gave at work in 2004, not long after we'd met. he was presenting to representatives from one of johnson & johnson's hospital clients. i was sitting in the back of the conference room, taking pictures and notes for a story i'd publish on the company intranet.

seeing him present is what first made me think that he was really someone special. he caught me off guard and really impressed me. we would later joke about him being an "up and comer" within the company. i would later tell him that the presentation is what made me raise an eyebrow. he would later tell me that though he was talking to the clients, he was really presenting to me.

ask most girls what caught their eye about guy, or what's the "one thing that's got her trippin'" (a reference to a song that will forever remind me of Jarronn), and it's not likely to be something like business presentation skills. might be my weird communications professional mind. but then again, maybe more times than not, it is just one small thing about a person that makes them shine in your eyes. that makes you think, "huh." in my case, being with someone who could control a room the way Jarronn did wasn't even something i knew i wanted. but i knew how much i liked it when i saw it.

and i guess his technique worked.

forgiveness

2011-06-09T21:19:00.002-04:00

even though the last episode of the oprah show aired a couple weeks ago, my dvr is still filled with an array of episodes from the last two seasons.

some are episodes i've yet to watch, but intend to. others are episodes that i'm saving, either to watch again or with the hope of showing it to someone like my mom or someone else. it wasn't until after Jarronn died that i was able to keep a library that sometimes reached 50+ episodes. i guess that was the down side of having to share a dvr.

now that the show has ended, it's given me time to go through the library. (it seemed like for every episode i watched, two new episodes would record). almost every episode tends to give me some insight, emotion, laugh or new perspective. and one thing i heard in watching an episode today was something i thought worth sharing.

as oprah spoke to two young girls who spent years being abused by their brothers and father, she shared her favorite definition of forgiveness:

"forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past."

that definition hit me deeply. not just because of its insight into what forgiveness is, but also for its connection to moving on in life in general. to living freer. more peacefully. with more contentment. and more in the present.

giving up on the possibility of a better past has been one of the hardest things i've had to do. and i still haven't perfected it. but reading this definition, which captures what i've struggled to do, somehow seems empowering. it's like putting a name to my constant state of striving. it makes me more conscious of it.

and hopefully the consciousness pushes me farther forward, beyond the what ifs and should haves of the past. beyond the idea of a better past and into a better present.

still dreaming

2011-06-02T21:56:00.000-04:00

i still have these recurring dreams.

the details differ slightly, but they all have the same overarching theme.

in them, i am going about my life, living without Jarronn, and discover that he is not actually dead. that though i thought he had passed away, he was actually just "away." the circumstances around where he's been for such a long time is never the same. once it was that he was away on business. another time he had been in the hospital. and another time it was that he'd been kidnapped and held hostage in a cave somewhere.

regardless of the details, these tend to be some of my most vivid dreams. they pull me through a range of emotions. first disbelief. then joy. then relief that it's all over. and then concern.

concern, because once i realize Jarronn is back, i start trying to figure out how he fits back into my life. for the first few dreams, it was easy. drop everything and fall right back into step. into the way things were.

but with the most recent dream, i found myself having a harder time knowing how to go back and act like time hadn't passed. like i hadn't been forced to keep moving forward. to keep living my life and find meaning in his absence.

when i woke up, this most recent dream left me with pretty mixed feelings. like other times, there was the disappointment that it was all a dream. that this is, and has been, my reality. there were also feelings of guilt that i hesitated to return to how things were. and at the same time, there was some satisfaction in knowing that i felt comfortable enough with my new life to not want to rush and abandon it.

as much as it isn't my first choice, i'm finding ways to create a new life for myself.

back to blogging...

2011-05-27T20:35:00.000-04:00

is it really the end of may? has it really been more than a month since i posted something? i'm sure i've said this before...time flies.

and there have been lots of happy moments to make the time go even faster.

one that stands out was celebrating my brother(-in-law)'s 24th birthday. in an effort to make it an occasion that would be special, i packed up a picnic lunch for the family, and we headed to allen pond park.

it was a great day. great weather. tasty food. a competitive game of taboo. even pops (my father-in-law), who is known to be a bit resistant to trying new things, had a great time. and thanked me multiple times for putting it all together.

i cherish moments like those, when it's the four of us who have each experienced the pain of Jarronn's death in our own, deep way, and we're able to enjoy one another and laugh. it almost feels like in those moments, we're really smiling in his honor. in those moments, i feel like he's really smiling down. and while those moments make me wish that he was there, they make me thankful that we can find things that make us joyful, in the midst of everything. those moments also make me thankful that Jarronn gifted me with such a wonderful second family.

below are pics from the day. the last one of Theo is definitely a "Jarronn face." :)

ecclesiastes 3:10-14

2011-04-21T18:20:00.003-04:00

"I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil--this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him."

wine tasting

2011-04-20T12:50:00.001-04:00

some time back in 2008, Jarronn and i were driving in virginia for some reason i can no longer remember, and we stopped at rappahannock cellars to taste some wine. i'm always amused by wine tasting and being told that a particular wine has "hints of blackberries, strawberries, and peaches." while i can appreciate a glass of good wine, recognizing the "hints" of fruit flavors in a wine, without prompting, is not my specialty. Jarronn, on the other hand, had pretty keen senses when it came to taste and hearing. and i still remember him that day calling out the tastes of different fruits and even being able to taste hints of different woods used in the barrels.

at the end of our tasting, Jarronn chose a bottle of red wine made from norton grapes, and we headed home. the bottle was placed in the wine rack on the counter and reserved for a special dinner we assumed would happen some time in the future and would potentially be enjoyed by a few of our close friends.

sadly, we never got to share the bottle of wine.

instead, it sat on the rack, and for awhile i couldn't imagine opening it. similar to other things in the house, i didn't want the bottle to go empty.

when i came around to the idea of opening it, i wanted to make sure it was on a special occasion. that it was with close family and friends. i thought i'd share it along with some wine i'd bought in napa valley. but we never had need to open it. i took it to a friend's party, and we never got to it. and the bottle continued to sit on the rack.

finally, i came to the realization that i might actually be doing the wine a disservice. that i had assumed that the wine would get better with age, but in reality, that rule doesn't apply to all wines. some wines stop maturing. and i could possibly miss a window of opportunity with all of my guarding and waiting.

so one friday night, while cooking dinner for myself, i decided to open the bottle of wine for myself (don't worry, the plan was never to drink the whole bottle in one sitting). opening the bottle felt special, significant, and like it connected me to Jarronn.

i sniffed. i swirled. i tasted. and the wine tasted...average. i thought that as the wine breathed that it might have gotten better with time. but as i tasted more and more, i realized i really didn't like the wine. i couldn't remember how it had tasted at the winery, and i clearly couldn't get Jarronn's second opinion. but i found myself working hard to drink it. wishing that i was enjoying it. knowing that i wasn't.

all of that waiting. all of that anticipation. and the end result was pretty disappointing. it was a reminder to enjoy more things in the moment, while we can. but it also seemed to teach me that certain things are meant to be enjoyed at a specific time or in a particular season. and when the time is over, it's over.

i never finished the bottle of wine. but i did save the cork.

memory monday #7

2011-04-18T10:16:00.003-04:00

it's been awhile since i've done one of these memory monday posts. but this memory below got my week off to a laughing start, so i figured i'd share it with you all.

this is coming from one of my closest friends sonia, who i've known since my freshman year of college. after i graduated and moved to new jersey for work, sonia was one of the few people who really kept up with me as i adjusted to life away from all of my friends.

because we talked frequently, this also meant that she was the first friend to hear about Jarronn after i'd met him. in fact, her advice helped me navigate more than one "men don't make any sense" moment with Jarronn. and ultimately, she was probably the person who helped me understand why he and i would always work, when she told me, "the secret to your heart, jessica, is to keep you laughing. the person who does that will win every time."

she was right.

and she and Jarronn became great friends, mainly because they were both incredibly funny, silly and quick on their feet. they even had nicknames for each other. (Jarronn was "brother tipsy" and sonia was "sister secular." loooooong story.) :-)

on july 30, sonia wrote:

I have so many hilarious memories of Jarronn. He was hands down one of the funniest people I've ever met. Whenever I saw him he always had a funny greeting, a joke, something.

My favorite memory is when me, him, Jessica, and a few other friends all went to see Stomp the Yard. The movie turned out to not be that horrible but there were tons of corny moments.

When we all returned to Jessica's apartment, we spent the next 45 minutes re-enacting the movie for Jessica's roommate Roxanne, since she wasn't able to make it. Jarronn was the head of the Gammas and I was the head of the Thetas, or whoever the people who were snakes were. We got so loud that the neighbor downstairs came to the door [Jessica's note: they were doing cartwheels and acrobatics].

At the end of the night, we were all laughing so hard we couldn't breathe. That to me was the greatest thing about Jarronn. He had no problem being absolutely ridiculous. He had an amazing spirit. That's what I miss the most.

thanks sonia! i miss it too!

little things

2011-04-13T15:09:00.000-04:00

after long periods of not writing here on the blog, it's sometimes hard to get back to it.

i guess i put some kind of pressure on myself to say something new or interesting. and when life doesn't really feel that new or interesting, i tend to procrastinate on my postings.

the truth is...life is moving. forward. onward.

there are more days when i feel more adjusted to the "new normal." days when i feel empowered by knowing that i've survived for all this time. that i've found ways to smile and laugh and love and live. days when not wanting to get out of bed is simply due to my laziness and not to not wanting to face the day.

there are also days when i still miss my old self. the "old normal." the self that had little knowledge of the kind of pain and loss i've experienced. the self that had the ability to imagine a future for herself. or the ability to make travel plans without waiting until the last minute. or got excited about holidays.

it's the little things i miss and the little things that i suppose deserve gratitude.

moving. forward. onward.

birthday visits

2011-03-07T13:41:00.001-05:00

last week tuesday was Jarronn's birthday. 31 years since he was born.

the day wasn't quite as tough as last year. i guess that happens when you're no longer planning towards the date.

we didn't have a party in his honor like last year. and i didn't have as many people reaching out to me like last year. but that's not something i'm sad or disappointed about. in fact, fewer reminders of the loss and the need for people to pray for me probably contributed to it being a more manageable day. it's encouraging when it's sporadic, but it can become overwhelming when it's all at once.

in the morning, i tried reading his facebook wall and couldn't make it through more than a few posts without tearing up. so to prevent the risk of looking crazy to the people working around me, i quickly closed the page.

i did get a chance to visit two of his "resting places" last week. i was in jamaica up until the day before his birthday and went to our special spot before heading to the airport. it was beautiful, as usual, though some of the trees around the spot had been removed and new things planted. change is constant, i guess. the sky was blue, the sun was bright and the horizon line seemed to stretch farther than normal. i thought about all the moments we'd spent in that spot, from friends to moments away from being fiances.

this past saturday, i went to visit the holly bush we planted at the site where we got married. originally, i planned to visit with the thought that it would be nice to visit both places (from jamaica to maryland) during his birthday week. but by the time saturday afternoon rolled around, i felt a huge need to visit, as though it was the only way to find some peace for the day.

i was happy to see none of the deer had eaten off the leaves. at the same time, i hoped to see a bird land on one of the branches, thinking it would somehow give me a sign that Jarronn was there and could and feel me. i sat on a nearby bench and talked to Jarronn. not a whole lot, but more than i normally do, because typically trying to talk to him just reminds me that i won't hear a response. that our days of having conversations are behind us. and i usually can't bring myself to mutter more than just a few words at a time. the sky was gray, the branches were bare, and the only noise was the rustling of leaves that were pushed around by the wind.

it wasn't easy. from warm, shining light to cool, dreary clouds.

it was a big adjustment last week. it was a big adjustment a year and a half ago.

iLove

2011-02-14T16:28:00.002-05:00

happy valentine's day!

i hope you celebrate and appreciate today, not just for romantic love, but for love in all its forms.

not just for today's love, but for loves past.

not just for spoken love, but for love that needs no words.

not just for love's joys, but for love's priceless lessons.

not just love from others, but for love for yourself.

party of one

2011-02-07T15:09:00.001-05:00

i'm a social person. i like hanging out with people. sharing experiences. having company. but i’ve also come to the point where i don't want my lack of company to hinder me from doing something i really want to do. like visiting a festival or a restaurant or a museum exhibit or any other interesting place. it seems silly to wait around for others to do certain things that i really want to do. and i’ve been pleasantly surprised to find that the experience of doing things on my own can sometimes turn out much better than one that's influenced by someone else and their preferences.

yesterday i had one of these moments. i had been craving diner food for most of the weekend and made a decision to visit ihop after church. my first intention was to find company, but when that wasn’t working out, i figured there was no reason why i couldn’t go to ihop alone.

sundays at ihop are always pretty crowded, and yesterday was no different. i made my way through the sea of people waiting for tables and approached the hostess with the waiting list.

i asked her how long the wait would be for one person. she told me less than 15 minutes, which i knew wouldn’t be bad, given that i had a book to read as i waited.

“name, sweetie?”

“jessica.”

she wrote down my name and scratched a “1” in the box next to it.

as i turned to find a seat, a small part of me wished i could have been seated immediately, not to get to my food faster, but to avoid being the lonely-girl-sitting-in-ihop-by-herself-reading-a-book. amongst the families with restless kids and groups of friends, i wasn’t really blending in.

not long after my name was called, and i made my way to my table, my dad called. i told him i was in ihop, and he asked who i was there with.

“no one.”

he laughed and said, “i hear you!”

i proceeded to make him laugh some more by reenacting the waiting process. how because of the long list of groups, the names of the different parties were projected over the intercom…

“monica, party of six – monica, party of six.”

“smith, party of four – smith, party of four.”

“janet, party of five – janet, party of five.”

“jessica, party of one…jessica, party of one.”

we laughed some more about my love for food and my inheritance of his metabolism. i ordered. i read more of my book. i ate. i talked to a finicky gentleman in his 60’s who was sitting next to me (another “party of one”).

with a full stomach and a satiated appetite, i went up front and paid my bill. and as i turned from the counter and made my way to the door, the woman on the intercom called…

“jackson, party of two … jackson, party of two.”

and i thought about that. how that was the call i should have been responding to. not the one i responded to 40 minutes earlier. or maybe it's not "should have" but "would have." we would have woken up together. we would have gone to church. we would have gone to eat. we would have talked and laughed. there's more "would haves" than i care to count.

and i had to question if my theory about doing things by myself was still holding true. i questioned which was better -- "jessica, party of one" or "jackson, party of two"?

and the answer is neither. both are what they were and are. one might be more desirable, but it's also not possible. another might be more uncomfortable, but it's also my reality. what's been given to me. what i can make the best of.

so i'll just have to party of one.

on writing

2011-02-02T15:06:00.002-05:00

wow. january really flew by. this was largely due to a pretty demanding work schedule. one that required lots of writing and left me with little time or mental capacity to write here as well.

i’ve missed writing here.

i spoke to a widower a couple months ago, not long after his wife had died. we talked about his experience. my experience. Even how our spouses' names were similar. and i tried to give him one of the things that those of us who have experienced the untimely death of a spouse can share: a reassurance that he wasn’t the only person on earth experiencing tragedy on this level. there were more of us experiencing the ups and downs, the well-intentioned suffocating families, the lost identity, the physical pain, the words that fell short of bringing comfort.

he asked me if i found my writing on this blog to be helpful. i told him that in some respects, the writing does little for how i feel, because the things i write here only capture a fraction of my emotions and experiences. typically, for every entry i post, i think of two more topics that i may never write about.

but what i did realize and tell him was that writing helps me process a feeling. putting the feeling into words helps me more closely examine how i feel and what i’m going through. it doesn't make the feeling go away, but it helps me more effectively go through it. live through it. survive it. and once it’s out there, articulated in words, i can release it from my muddled brain.

so when i don’t write here, i miss it. i miss the release of it. i miss the going through. i miss confronting my grief and the reassurance that i’m feeling and living.

i’m hoping february brings more opportunities for me to be here.

Proverbs 16:9

2011-01-09T13:10:00.004-05:00

In their hearts humans plan their course,
but the LORD establishes their steps.

- Proverbs 16:9

you

2011-01-07T14:39:00.000-05:00

i've mentioned before how i received hundreds of messages of support from different people after Jarronn died. some by text message. some by email. some by facebook. some by way of cards and packages.

some from family. some from friends. some from acquaintances. some from people who knew Jarronn. some from people who hardly knew me or Jarronn.

all of it has been amazing.

some shared sympathies. some shared personal tragedies. some shared personal triumphs. some shared treasured memories. some shared words of support. some shared their thoughts about this blog. some shared what they got from this blog.

i'm so thankful for all of those messages. i haven't always gotten to respond to all of them (and this was especially true in the first six months after Jarronn died), but i do read every message. and i take something from every message -- whether its a smile, a memory, a tear or encouragement. and many times when i don't respond, it's because i was so touched that i wanted to craft the perfect response but never got around to it (the downfall of sometimes being a perfectionist). nevertheless, i'm always most struck by how so many people are kind enough to take time out of their busy schedules and lives to reach out to me and offer support, even if that just means saying hi, praying for me, or letting me know they've taken something from my "story."

the same can be said for those of you who comment on and follow this blog (whether publicly or privately). who take time to keep up with my up and down feelings and sporadic postings. who often smile when i smile and cry when i cry.

i greatly appreciate all of you.

and as i've said in many of my responses to those hundreds and hundreds of messages, i truly believe that all of the thoughts and prayers and well wishes have made a difference. that they've held me up in a way i can't even really understand. and that you all operate in an orchestrated way, with just the right timing, in a way that you can't even really understand.

it's beautiful. it's a blessing.

thank you.

expectation

2011-01-03T04:55:00.000-05:00

happy new year, everyone.

like many of you, i'm hoping that 2011 is a year that brings new opportunities, achievements, blessings, and fulfillments.

and perhaps unlike many of you, i have no interest in declaring or claiming what 2011 will be. no interest in saying what it will bring me. no desire to establish any great expectations.

i haven't really determined if this is a good thing or bad thing. i just know it's a real thing. my ability to have expectations or even plan things has been extremely limited for the past year and a half. and it's hard to find the boldness to say "2011 will be a great year," when i know i really have no way of knowing that. 2009 was going to be a "great year," and even started out that way. but of course, things have a way of sometimes changing, and changing pretty quickly.

i wrestle with this on a regular basis -- how to think positively about my world and even shape my reality with those positive thoughts while still recognizing my limits when it comes to writing my actual story. i haven't figured out how to expect great things or even set big goals when i know there are so many things that are outside of my control. that control is largely an illusion.

and while i certainly don't want to kill anyone's joy or goals or anticipation for the new year, i can't help but wish that there was a way for us to hope for things, but not specific things. to look for blessings, but to be open to the different forms they may come in. (even if that means it's in the form of a painful lesson.) and that we would face a new year with less expectation and declaration and more openness to whatever it is that may come.

it's not entirely realistic or possible. plans and ideas for the future make the world go 'round.

but it's not an expectation -- it's just a wish.

second christmas

2010-12-28T00:29:00.000-05:00

christmas #2 without Jarronn has come and gone. and we all managed through it. there really is something to getting through "the firsts," and i'm glad that we've done that and made it through half of our "seconds" as well. but the big days and holidays aren't completely easy either. they still come with moments of longing. and with unspoken--yet understood--words between the family. and the underlying knowledge that we're trying to make the best of what we have.

christmas dinner was small and held at my house. this was a big improvement from last year when i neglected to put up a single holiday decoration or feel an ounce of christmas cheer. and i was thankful for the improvement in my attitude. i cooked. did some decorating. and even baked my christmas cookies (something Jarronn loved).

most of the day was fantastic -- enjoying the time with my parents and Jarronn's immediate family. exchanging beautiful and thoughtful gifts. watching football and taking post-meal naps on the couch. we went through old photos and snapped some new ones.

the biggest snag came with me cooking a leg of lamb that didn't seem to be turning out as well as i had hoped. when i cook for other people, i take it pretty seriously. so the thought of christmas dinner turning into a bust had me stressed. it also had me missing how Jarronn loved cooking the entire meal for thanksgiving and christmas dinners. filling his shoes can sometimes be really, really tough.

and that, of course, applies to more than just food prep. there's the friend shoes. the sibling shoes. the cousin shoes. the godparent shoes. and the child shoes. all big. all hard to fill. none really possibly to fill. but i wish i could. i really, really wish i could.

i am, however, thankful for what i can do. bring our families together. carry on his memory. find new joys in life. and prayerfully make it through the rest of "the seconds," "the thirds," "the fourths," and so on.

i pray you and yours had a merry christmas! and Jarronn would want me to wish you a happy kwanzaa too!

in loving memory

2010-12-13T11:49:00.003-05:00

wow. it's been three weeks since i've blogged, which is much longer than i prefer. but it's been for good reason. i started a new work assignment, and it's been keeping me busy.

last monday, Jarronn's parents, brother, and i planted a memorial holly bush in Jarronn's honor. this is signficiant for a few reasons. first, while Jarronn and i and his family all felt/feel that cremation was what we wanted after he died, it does mean that we aren't really left with a place, like a grave site, where we can visit to remember and reflect on Jarronn. and while i spread some of Jarronn's ashes in our special spot in jamaica, i obviously can't visit that site on a regular basis. when one of Jarronn's friends had told me that he visited the site of his accident after he had passed, the idea didn't really sit well with me. that we would remember him at the place where things took a turn for the worse. and so since late last year, i've been trying to arrange for a space within close proximity, with beauty, and with a connection to Jarronn.

i'm happy to say that we planted the bush at woodend sanctuary -- the place where we got married. steps down from the grove and alter where we exchanged our vows and were surrounded by the love and support of our friends and family, is a small, young holly bush. it has just a few branches and just a few red berries, but i'm praying that it grows and flourishes, provides a snack for the birds, and provides a peaceful reminder on the days when i vist there and sit on the nearby bench.

we kept it small and intimate - just the four of us -- because it felt easier and right that way. we used our hands to grab handfuls of dirt and plant the bush, carefully patting the dirt into place and introducing the bush to its new home. talking to Jarronn along the way.

after the tree was planted, i read from khalil gibran's "the prophet." on our wedding day, in that same place, my mother had read the poem about marriage from "the prophet." last monday, i read the poem about death.

Than Almitra spoke, saying, "We would ask now of Death."

And he said:

You would know the secret of death.

But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?

The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.

If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.

For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.

In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;

And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.

Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.

Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.

Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?

Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?

For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?

And what is to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?

Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.

And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.

And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.

---

that stanza in bold got me that day and seems to get me every time.

we each took some time to say a few words. some that were positive and some that were still questioning of God's purpose and plan. some that were happy about what we'd done in Jarronn's memory and some that were pain-filled as thoughts turned to how much life has changed since he died. Jarronn's brother, theo, even noted how the bush's branches looked like they were arms outstretched, ready to give a hug.

and i couldn't help but think about how much woodend, on a cold december day, looked a lot different from our may 15 wedding.

but it also looked a lot like the fall 2008 day when i brought Jarronn there to show him the place where i envisioned us getting married. and us looking up at the tall trees together, looking at the deer nearby, and thinking about our future.

when i go back to visit, and sit on the bench by his holly bush, i'm going to do all of those things. look up at the trees. watch the deer in the distance. smile about my past. and think about my future.

memory monday #6

2010-11-22T10:15:00.014-05:00

yesterday i had brunch with two of Jarronn's long-time friends, who i'm glad to say became my friends years ago as a result of my relationship with him. marck and ludgina both went to rutgers with Jarronn, laughed with Jarronn, and grinded through engineering with Jarronn. while they were all just friends back in school, marck and ludgina started dating after college and are now married (Jarronn was a best man in their wedding).

it was so good to see them. there are so many happy memories connected to them -- a road trip to upstate ny to visit them. their visit to md and stay in my apartment (i begged Jarronn to hang curtains in my room the night before they came, which made my downstairs neighbors come knocking around 12:30 a.m.) a great time in vegas and a hilarious post-ride photo from the stratosphere ride (so good, i actually purchased the $10 copy. this video gives you a sense of the ride, lol). meeting in nyc during the holidays and ice skating in central park. Jarronn always wanting me to show off my best meals when we hosted them for dinner. them putting us on to moscato d'asti (years before anyone thought to mention it in a rap song). a funny voicemail in left creole that Jarronn saved and would replay for us to laugh at. hearing that they were going to have a baby girl. marck as a groomsman in our wedding. and tons of time laughing with each other, at each other, and about the dynamics in both of our relationships.

i can honestly say i feel like i've known both of them for much longer than i have. and it's always been so easy to understand why Jarronn loved them both so much. as i sat with them and their beautiful daughter yesterday, there were so many moments when we laughed. and as they sat on one side of the booth, and i was on the other side with an empty spot next to me, i could imagine Jarronn there and me nudging him or squeezing his arm as we shared in the laughs. not like old times. but just like old times.

today's memory monday was written by ludgina. on august 10, she wrote:

Jarronn was my brother from another mother! We sometimes bickered as if we were brother and sister too☺. We went to Rutgers together and from Week 1 we were great friends. I miss him. The last time we spoke/texted was on July 4, 2009. After that we played some serious phone tag. My two wishes are that I could have had just one last conversation with him and that he was able to meet and take a picture with my daughter who was just shy of 3 months when he passed away. Although Jarronn is no longer here on Earth, I am grateful for all of the great memories (we had some good times!), and for being able to have known such an inspirational and wonderful person. The candles and wooden piece in this picture were given to me by Jarronn in January of 2004. I haven’t lit them since he passed so it was very special for me to light them on the anniversary of the day he became an angel watching over us. Until we meet again J.

- Ludgie Baby.

“God didn’t promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for tears, and LIGHT for the way.” ~~Unknown~~

and if you've never seen this video marck put together to honor Jarronn after he passed, you should check it out!

rejection

2010-11-18T12:46:00.000-05:00

there are many moments, many days, when thinking about the pain that many others have experienced and endured gives me the courage and the acceptance to get through. to keep moving. to be.

but then there are random times, sometimes very real and sometimes perhaps even suppressed moments, when none of that seems to matter. the times when the person with the far more tragic story than mine can't help at all. and the stories of endurance don't give me any hope.

it's the moments when my pain seems to be fully mine. and the times when i feel fully alone. and the times when i fully want to reject it all. it's in these times, i don't want someone to relate to. because i'm at a point where i'm too tired of embracing it all. i don't feel like moving toward getting better, because i'd much rather move toward what used to be. toward a previous state of me.

it's at these times i'm extremely selfish. and without any apology for it. though also not without guilt about it. it's at these times i cry aching, ugly tears. but never as many as i would like to. it's at these times i look for someone else that would be better suited for this stuff. but as i add names to a list in my head, i quickly scratch them off.

i don't like these moments.

empty

2010-10-29T14:41:00.004-04:00

i've been coming to the end of things. finishing things that were here when Jarronn was here. the last of his cocoa butter. the last of the glass cleaner. the last of the giant tub of country crock. all empty.

last month, it was the huge bottle of era detergent. the very special detergent that Jarronn told me was the only detergent he would use. that he had searched for years to find a detergent he liked, and era was it. i once went to two grocery stores looking for era and bought tide when i couldn't find it. he went out the next day and found some at bj's. told me i could use the tide for my clothes, but his had to be done with era. i finished it. now it's empty.

it's a natural attrition, i guess. things run out. and they get replaced by new things. my products. my choices. whipped butter for the country crock. tide for the era.

but it's funny how finishing the era feels like the end of one.

what used to be a simple exercise in rinsing and recycling large plastic containers has become much tougher. much more sad.

they remind me of all the change my life has gone through. of how time keeps moving. and that there was a space, once occupied by Jarronn, that is now empty.

white plates

2010-10-26T11:49:00.003-04:00

last week, i had a few friends over for dinner. i was excited, because it gave me a chance to pull out a lot of the things in my kitchen that i registered for and imagined using once i got married. the nice placemats. the cloth napkins and napkin holders. the place setting holders. the bone china serving dishes.

in preparation, i went out and bought some new plates. not that i didn't have plates in the cupboard. but these were white plates. nothing too fancy. in fact i got a whole 18-piece set at ikea for less than $25. but they're white. which is what i wanted.

when Jarronn and i were picking things for the house, we collected a mish-mash of things -- from my apartment, his apartment, and housewarming gifts. i asked that we get white plates, because they go with everything, can be mixed and matched, and food always looks good on them.

but Jarronn didn't like that idea. and he could be pretty adamant when it came to choosing things for the house. almost as though he didn't want to be labeled as the man that left all "domestic" decisions to the woman. we registered for a nice set of white china at crate & barrel, but for the everyday plates, he chose a light yellow colored set. and he seemed passionate about it, so i compromised on it. and really, the set he chose was lovely.

since Jarronn died, i've hardly entertained like i'd (we'd) hoped to. but when it came time to do my own dinner, i got my white plates. and after i finished setting the table, i stood back and felt so pleased. it was just the way i wanted it to be.

having a partner is great. and i would never choose white plates over having Jarronn around to compromise with. but being able to make my own decisions, without the need to compromise is also great. call it my attempt at appreciating the situation that's been given to me. but i do appreciate it. and i do like that sometimes in life, i can get just. what. i. want.

memory monday #5

2010-10-18T23:49:00.003-04:00

on saturday, i went to a family and friends get-together at my mom's house in new jersey. i tend to question if everyone feels that their family is crazy in the same way Jarronn and i always have. but in any case, i guess this is why our families always got along so well.

everyone in my family loved Jarronn (especially my aunties, who would ask if he had a much older brother or wealthy uncle somewhere). and seeing how well he got along with my family meant a lot to me.

today's memory comes from my older cousin, nikki. she was the maid of honor in our wedding and has always been more like an older sister to me.

It was July 5, 2007 (I think that's the right date). It was during the party at the club house in Princeton to celebrate 5 years that you guys were at the house. I arrived late, but was so surprised to see how much family was there that i haven't seen in ages. You were there with your hair in a curly style (looking gorgeous as usual), and Jarronn was by your side in an African get up that I thought looked great on him. I always thought you guys looked amazing together. A part of me was jealous of the connection you two had. (but good jealousy, I promise.. lol)

Anywho, throughout the night I had a chance to talk to Jarronn and was always impressed with the way he spoke. I had plenty of laughs as he acted silly with Maria... had a blast taking silly photos of him playing around with Nick, and smiled as he did a quick twirl on the dance floor with Tianna. He filled the night with a couple of jokes, and had a wonderful way with kids. You know how we Tomlinsons can be a bit lively, silly, foolish, loud and love making up songs out of the blue at times). That night Jarronn fit right in like he's been a part of it all for quite a while. He was an amazing person, you knew that the moment you met him, and were convinced it was the truth the moment he spoke.

That day wasn't the first time I had met Jarronn, but that day was the first time I knew he would be ... and is... family.

A few photos attached of the silly man! :-)

Love you so much Jess!
Nikk

the question

2010-10-14T14:46:00.000-04:00

a lot of people ask it.

and i typically have a different answer every single time. not even because the way i'm feeling fluctuates that much. but more so because i haven't gotten the script down. not the kind of script that is politically correct. but the kind of script that accurately and succinctly captures what it is that i feel.

the question "how are you doing?" seems much better suited for people with lives that are far more normal than mine. for lives that contain events that don't cause people to say, "i can't imagine..."

i find it incredibly challenging to capture how i'm doing in a simple response. or in a couple of minutes. i struggle to be honest about the very difficult moments without sounding like i walk around depressed all the time, which wouldn't be accurate. and i struggle to prevent others from pushing me back to "better" before i'm really ready to get there. (if such a place even really exists). and no matter what i say, i feel unconvinced that i was able to come close to conveying my true feelings. my state of "doing."

so after i fumble through my response, thinking in my head that i'm talking all over the place, most people tell me i "look good." or even great. and i wish i knew how my look now compares to what i looked like before all of this. is it just as good? or just good with all things considered?

and after every one of those conversations, i leave thinking, "man, Jessica. you need to get your script together."

struggle

2010-09-29T22:42:00.001-04:00

i am blessed

in so many ways

and yet...

i sometimes

struggle

to not feel sorry for myself.

memory monday #4

2010-09-27T15:29:00.005-04:00

last week, i spent a couple of nights on my couch -- something i don't do very often and something i hadn't done in a very long time. while sometimes sleep just takes over, i generally wake up unhappy with myself for falling asleep on the couch. mainly because it typically means sore muscles and me not feeling that refreshed. my dreams get a little more crazy. i feel like i'm oversleeping. on one of last week's nights, i even woke up and went to call Jarronn on my cell phone to tell him about something running through my subconscious mind.

somehow Jarronn never had this problem. in fact, on at least two or three night per week, he would fall asleep on our couch. a big part of this had to do with the amazing fact that he had an ability to fall asleep ANYwhere. i'm convinced that you could have put him on a slab of concrete, and he would have been knocked out. and while i would try to wake him up and get him to get in bed, i was usually pretty unsuccessful. and my persistence would typically lead to him getting upset with me.

and so this series of repeated events became yet another lesson in relationship management: learn to pick your battles wisely, and leave the small stuff alone. if he really didn't want to get up, leave him be. and i knew he'd eventually wake up at 2 or 3 a.m. and either do some work he hadn't finished or get in the bed.

this week's memory is from my cousin maria, who -- like Jarronn -- also has had an affinity for our big leather sectional. she would actually look forward to sleeping on it when she would come to visit us.

on september 8, maria wrote:

Apart from the endless mischief and trouble that we caused together, my favorite memory of Jarronn was when we would fall asleep together on the couch. We'd been doing it since we first met, and it didn't matter the couch: from Jess' couch and loveseat at her townhouse in Jersey in '05, to Aunty Jen's couch at home, to their incredible leather couch in Maryland: that was the one time I got Jarronn to myself, and selfishly, I loved it.

Even though we were sleeping and weren't speaking, it was the one moment where I didn't have to share him with anyone else. It was this long period of silence that felt so comfortable and so safe, that I almost hated waking up. It may sound ridiculous, but during that time I felt like we were bonding and it was this special time that I cherised when no one could interrupt.

Jarronn and I don't get to physically take naps anymore, but I fall asleep with him every night feeling incredibly secure. I love you "big cousin."

Love,
Your "Marsie Baap" (*insert Jarronn's Jamaican accent*)

the clothes

2010-09-21T20:08:00.001-04:00

it took me nearly a year to sort through, pack up, and give away Jarronn's clothes. in a sense, i'm glad i waited so long, because i think the passing of time made the process far less emotional. some people had asked me about my plans for the clothes soon after he died, and i really couldn't wrap my head around it. as much as i rationally knew that they were material things, i couldn't muster the energy and strength to take on the process.

when i got to the place where i was ready to move the clothes, there were other people who assured me that i shouldn't feel pressured to get rid of things that i felt emotionally attached to. but at a certain point, the clothes being there became less of a comfort and more of a painful reminder. more of a hindrance.

but i did struggle with the idea of just giving all of the clothes away to strangers. Jarronn had a lot of clothes and loved clothes. it was hard removing items that i knew he loved. that i knew he'd worn on specific dates. that i knew he'd never gotten a chance to wear but had hoped to.

so i'm so thankful to the family and friends who took many of his items. his brother likely doubled his T-shirt collection. his boys got sweaters and business wear and shoes. some of my friends took an item here or there. and even my dad is walking around lynchburg, va getting compliments on how "cool" his new sneakers are. (yep, Jarronn and my dad were similar, even down to the shoe size). it means so very much to me to know that things Jarronn loved are with people he and i have loved.

there are still a few things left behind. some are things i gave him or just always loved. others are things i was slightly hesitant to give away, but when all of the choosing was done, they were still there, and i took it as my sign to just hold on to them. for now. for a little longer.

overall, with this kind of thing, you just hope that you're doing what the person who's gone would want. and you can never be sure. and maybe, if you're like me, you even jump back and forth between questioning if it really matters and resentful that you have to make the decision. so in the end, after the thinking and consideration and waiting and delaying and rallying...

you do what's best for you.

memory monday #3

2010-09-13T22:22:00.007-04:00

football season is fully under way, and in honor of the nail-biting win the redskins had over the cowboys on sunday, i thought it best to post the memory below.

this one is from one of Jarronn's boys, derek aka "d. mitch." on september 13, derek wrote:

Well I couldn't lite a candle for my bro on 7/30 due to being out of town. I also find it difficult to face losing someone whom I hold dear to me. However, I found remembering Jarronn a little less difficult yesterday. As I fixed my plate of food, threw on my Redskins jersey and got ready for the season opener against the Cowgirls...excuse me, Cowboys (lol)...I happened to think about Jarronn and how hyped he would've been for this game. As I looked at a Redskins vs Cowboys diaper cake that my wife and I received at her baby shower (yes I married a Cowboys fan), I grabbed my boy's homegoing program off the mirror and put him right down on the cardboard football field where he could lite it up and cheer on the home team the way I know he would've if he was here. Last night was a good night for remembering Jarronn.

i'm so glad that derek and his wife rasheida have been able to maintain a beautiful marriage, in spite of their differences when it comes to football. Jarronn could deal with me being an eagles fan, but he told me and many other people that it would have been a deal breaker if i was a cowboys fan. :-)

i'm pretty convinced that he orchestrated the whole d. mcnabb trade to washington, because he was determined to make me a skins fan, even in the afterlife. and he would have gone absolutely nuts at the season opener. so i represented to the point where my voice is hoarse and a few cowboys fans left the game disliking me.

derek -- thanks for sharing this great memory and photo. you and rasheida have been amazing friends, and i know Jron would be incredibly proud of you.

pacific nw

2010-09-08T11:53:00.001-04:00

a couple of years ago, i got it in my mind that i wanted to travel out west. i guess i've had my share of island vacations, so i was looking for something different. so i started talking it up to Jarronn. telling him that it would be great to see some of the beautiful nature that the u.s. has to offer. and he seemed open to the idea.

last month, i finally took my trip. my mom and i spent nine days in the pacific northwest, traveling from california to oregon to washington to british columbia. and it was nothing short of fantastic.

we started by flying to san francisco, where we spent the day hanging out in union square, the yerba buena gardens, ghirardelli square, and alamo square.

on day 2, we headed north for a beautiful day in napa valley, which i definitely plan to visit again.

on day 3, we drove north on the california coast, driving on winding roads through beautiful redwood forests, until we reached mendocino, ca. we walked around the small town and down to it's beach. by the end of that day, i'd already reached the point where i needed to empty my camera so that i could take more photos. (i had a couple years worth on it, so it was long overdue).

on days 4 and 5, we set out on our drive north up the california coast and into oregon. driving along the coastline, the views were pretty phenomenal. and some of my favorite music playing from my ipod made it even better. (below are the ones that remind me most of Jarronn).

for all we know - donny hathaway
so amazing - luther vandross
more of you - fred hammond
thank you (i won't complain) - fred hammond
simply put - fred hammond
true love - stevie wonder
caught up in the rapture - anita baker
just the way you are - billy joel
long distance - brandy
to be free to be who we are - harold melvin & the blue notes
coming home - john legend (the song i walked down the aisle to)
again/another again - john legend
the sweetest thing - lauryn hill
joy ride - mariah carey
gravity - sara bareilles

after 20 hours of driving, more than 1,000 miles, and one dirty little nissan versa, we arrived in portland, or. we spent a night there and visited their downtown farmers market, the ancient chinese gardens, and ate some great meals.

on day 6, we took the train north to seattle, wa. we enjoyed beautiful sunsets from our hotel's rooftop deck, and on day 7, we took a tour to mt. rainier -- the highest mountain in washington state and the cascades mountain region. breathtaking. and a tour guide straight out of some sitcom.

on day 8, we took the train to vancouver, british columbia. we had lunch at the art gallery and rented bikes and rode around the sea wall at stanley park.

on day 9, we woke up early and took a whale watching tour from vancouver to victoria -- the capitol of british columbia. it was quite the adventure with 10 ft. waves, but it was worth it to see the orca whales swimming in their natural habitat. (forget shamu!) we explored victoria for the day, and fortuitously stumbled upon the best breakfast/brunch restaurant on the island while trying to find a different restaurant.

my computer is acting slow, so trying to post photos from every day would take me hours. but you can check out the remainder of pics that i posted on facebook.

Jarronn didn't get to go on this trip with me. and i wished he could have seen it all. i cried along the way. while driving. on my pillow before going to sleep. even once while out to dinner. i missed along the way. but i'm living. i've lived. my photos of friends and trips and special moments from the past year and this memorable trip remind me of that. i'm glad i've chosen to live.

and beautiful nature like what i saw reminds me that God is real. and big. and i'm small. not insignificant, but small. too small to make big plans and see big pictures. and that's ok.

memory monday #2

2010-09-06T15:56:00.001-04:00

today's memory is from one of my long-time college friends, kwaku. he, of course, got the chance to know Jarronn through me. but he -- like many of my guy friends -- formed his own friendship with Jarronn along the way.

on july 23, kwaku shared two memories. the first had me cracking up, and the second made me shed a tear:

When Jess first told me about Jarronn
When I first got hired by the Department of Education, I would travel around the country and talk to students about financial aid. One of my trips took me to beautiful Newark, New Jersey (there is nothing there). I tried to figure out who I knew in the area, and Jess came to mind. We decided to meet up for dinner and catch up. While we were eating, Jess started talking about this guy she was dating. I didn't know who the guy was, so I instantly started hating (which is my nature). She spoke about how good of a guy he was and how happy she was. She told me that if I was able to meet him, I would like him. Like I said before, I am a hater, especially when it comes to guys around my female friends. Fortunately for Jess, she was correct. When I met Jarronn, he was probably one of the coolest guys I ever met. He was down-to-earth and relate-able and loved to laugh (he laughed at every one of my jokes). He made it difficult to hate on him. I could understand why Jess was so in love and wanted to share her happiness with everyone.

Jarronn and Morgan
One of my favorite moments with Jarronn was when we were all over at Mike and Ashley's place for a small get together. Of course I brought my daughter with me, because you can't leave a 4-year-old home alone. If you met my daughter, you know she is initially very shy but tends to warm up to people over time. For some reason she was instantly cool with Jarronn. While everyone else was talking about politics and other non-important things, Morgan and Jarronn were laughing and joking all night long. By the end of the night, I literally had to drag Morgan home, she was having so much fun. I know for a fact that Morgan would have been bored to death if it wasn't for Jarronn.

When Jarronn died, I had to explain to my daughter what happened. It was probably the hardest conversation I have had with her to date. She told me that she was going to pray for Jess and Jarronn. I thought she was just repeating what she heard other people say when you talk about death. But later on that evening, she prayed without any encouragement that Jess would be OK and that God would take care of Jarronn. To my knowledge, that is first time I heard Morgan pray about anything other than food. It is funny how big of an impact you don't realize people have in the life of a child until they are not around.

thanks for sharing this, kwaku. i don't think i'll ever forget when Jarronn realized just how funny you were and felt the need to tell me about his discovery. :-) thanks for keeping me laughing through the tears. and please hug morgan for me!

if you'd still like to send me your memory or photos about Jarronn, you can at any time. email jarronnandjessica@gmail.com.

memory mondays

2010-08-30T20:03:00.010-04:00

in july, i asked people to send me their favorite memories of Jarronn and/photos of them with the candle they lit in memory of Jarronn. i've really enjoyed reading everything people have sent my way, and i thought that instead of trying to share everything in just one post, that i would spread them out over multiple postings.

so this is the start of what i'm calling "memory mondays," where i'll post the memories and photos that friends have sent me.

the first one is from samantha, whom i've never had the chance to meet, but she and Jarronn went to freedom church and suitland high school together.

on july 22, samantha wrote:

Jarronn had the most amazing and warm smile:) That's what I remember most of him. I just remember how nice he was to EVERYONE!!! I think of his picture in the yearbook (I'm sure you've seen it) w/ his crazy outfit on!! LOL when he was voted class clown or most school spirited (???). Can't remember which one... but he has on that tight shirt!!! LOL Too funny!!!

I feel blessed to have even met such an awesome person. My life feels even richer to have known him. Your husband was/ is one of the best to have walked this earth and is a reflection of you.

---

now i don't have a scanner, but i felt that i couldn't deprive those of you who don't own a 1998 yearbook from suitland high school. so i did my best to take photos of the fanastic photo samantha referred to (it was for most school spirit), as well as an added bonus.

samantha keeps the program from Jarronn's memorial service on her dresser, and below is the beautiful photo she sent along. thank so much, samantha.

if you'd still like to send me your memory or photos about Jarronn, you can at any time. email jarronnandjessica@gmail.com.

signs

2010-08-13T09:24:00.001-04:00

two nights ago, at 11:34 p.m., as i straightened up my room, i compulsively picked up my blackberry to check for new email messages.

and i had one.

i opened my inbox and saw the sender name was Jarronn Jackson. written in bold. jumping off the screen. my heart jumped. at first, i thought it had to be that i was reading the subject line, not the sender. so i stared. and i hesitated to open it.

when i did, i found a random message with a few words and a hyperlink. spam. it made no sense.

i closed the message. put down my phone. but as i put away the ironing board, i asked myself, "what had i hoped to find?"

perhaps a long lost message that had been trapped in cyberspace for over a year was finally going to reach me. or some kind of supernatural occurrence would allow Jarronn to communicate with me from another realm. i looked at his picture on my wall. reminded myself that this isn't a movie. this is real life.

and as much as i might hope for the supernatural, i have to settle for the small signs. things like a beautiful sunset, orbs in photos, songs on the radio playing at just the right time, or receiving the passage read on our wedding day in my inbox on july 30:

("Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." Colossians 3:12-17)

these are my signs. my messages. i'm not even really sure what they tell me. and i try not to look for them or look too deep. but i appreciate them. and i hope they keep coming.

after july 30

2010-08-12T15:03:00.000-04:00

the past two weeks have been hectic, and i really appreciate all of the kind words, prayers, and thoughts and that so many of you sent my way.

the anniversary of Jarronn's death came at a crazy time, as i was working hard to finish the final projects for my masters degree. at times it was hard to find the meaning in completing my work as i was constantly reminded of the fragility of life and significance found not in titles, degrees, and accomplishments, but in relationships with the people we love.

but i'm happy to report that as of tuesday, i've completed my course work. now it's just a matter of waiting for my grades so i can officially declare my success.

in the day before the one year mark, i anticipated that i would be ok. that just like so many of the year's holidays have passed and felt no harder than living any other day without Jarronn, that i would be fine. but july 30, 2010 proved to be a lot tougher and lot more teary than i anticipated. writing the story of what happened likely didn't make that any easier. and while i never want people to stop reaching out to me with their words of encouragement and love, those words do remind me of everything i've had to endure. and i wish so badly that they weren't necessary.

thank you to everyone who sent in photos and memories of Jarronn. i'll be posting them over time, so if you'd still like to send something, please feel free to do so, by emailing jarronnandjessica@gmail.com. and i can't tell you how happy it feels to hear from those of you who signed up to be organ and tissue donors. how beautiful. i mentioned how the washington regional transplant community has been a huge support to me since Jarronn's death, and i received the following except of a poem from them this week. i hope it touches you.

To Remember Me

Give my sight to a man who has never seen a sunrise, a baby's face or love in the eyes of a woman.

Give my heart to a person whose own heart has pain.

Give my blood to the teenager who was pulled from the wreckage of his car, so that he might live to see his grandchildren play.

Give my kidneys to one who depends on a machine to exist from week to week.

Take my bones, every muscle, every fiber and nerve in my body and find a way to make a crippled child walk.

If you must bury something, let it be my faults, my weaknesses and all my prejudice against my fellow man.

Give my sins to the devil. Give my soul to God.

If, by chance, you wish to remember me, do it with a kind deed or word to someone who needs you.

If you do all I have asked, I will live forever.

Robert N. Test

what happened

2010-07-30T09:55:00.003-04:00

one year ago, Jarronn and i woke up at home. there was seemingly nothing special about that day. other than the fact that it was national cheesecake day. we got ready for the day in our bedroom, and watched the fox 5 morning news as we got dressed. they announced national cheesecake day and the new red velvet cheesecake flavor. this sent Jarronn into a random song and dance about "red-velvet-cheese-cake, red-velvet-cheese-cake." i bent over laughing. told him we had to make sure we got some.

i left the house before Jarronn and headed to capitol hill. i had a senate foreign relations committee hearing to attend for work. and as i sat in the audience listening to senator kerry and others, i posted my first "tweet" on the twitter account i had signed up for the day before: "hopeful for peace in sudan." by the end of the day, i had a whole new appreciation for the word "hope."

i got into the office and had a regular day. answered emails. checked things off my list. and then i poked around the internet to see what i could find about national cheesecake day. i called Jarronn around 2:30 p.m., which was about the time we'd typically check in with each other. we talked about our days briefly. and talked about cheesecake. i asked him if we were going to go to the cheesecake factory after work. he said he wasn't sure. that he had to pick up his godson from camp. that he wanted to get on his bike. really wanted to get on his bike. i told him the news i saw online said we'd have to dine in if we wanted half price cheesecake. he said he'd figure things out and call me back.

i left work at 5:30 p.m., eager to get home. when i came through the door, i found Jarronn and his godson in the living room, playing on the nintendo wii. i greeted them and headed upstairs to change out of my work clothes.

going to the cheesecake factory was still on my mind as i came back downstairs. i was wondering if we'd still have a chance to go. i went into the kitchen, opened the refrigerator door, and as my eyes scrolled down the shelves, they stopped as i saw a huge slice of red velvet cheesecake in a to-go container. i got excited. asked Jarronn about it. and he explained that he had been in the parking lot of the cheesecake factory when i spoke to him earlier. we decided we'd eat it later that evening. after that, i sat on the couch and watched Jarronn and his godson play their video games, laughing every now and then at the competition between them.

soon after, three of Jarronn's friends came over on their bikes. we joked about a funny situation from the previous weekend (when me and my girl friends had run into Jarronn and his bike crew in adams morgan). we talked about darfur, and Jarronn made me proud in the way he explained the situation to his friends. and Jarronn tidied up the house. swept the kitchen floor. put things away.

around 7:30 p.m., they decided it was time to go. they were going to take Jarronn's godson home and go get something to eat. as i sat on the couch, i thought to myself that i really didn't want him to go. i wanted him to stay there with me.

Jarronn came over to me on the couch and said he'd be back in a couple hours. that we'd eat that cheesecake when he got back. he bent down to kiss me, and i kissed him on the cheek. he said to me, "i can't get a kiss on the lips?" it softened my attitude, and so i kissed him on the lips. he replied "thank you" or "that's better." and 30 seconds later, he was out the door.

i spent some time on the computer. looking at friends' photos. trying to pick out a baby gift for my former boss. i got on the phone with my mom. talked about my day. told her Jarronn was out on his bike. complained about all of my gray hairs. told her my stomach was really hurting. so i decided it was best for me to take a nap. i got off the phone and stretched out on the couch.

it seems that within minutes, just after 9:00 p.m., the doorbell rang. i jumped up, a little confused and not having a clue about who it could be. i opened the door and found kim, who was dating one of the friends who had been with Jarronn. i said hey, and she said, "Jarronn got in an accident." panic ran through my body as i said, "oh my god." but she quickly reassured me that he was fine. that he would be alright. and it wasn't something she was just telling me. i knew it's what she believed. she said an ambulance had taken him to the hospital and that she would take me there. so i grabbed my shoes. and i blew out the candle Jarronn had lit earlier that evening.

we headed to the hospital and had some difficulty finding it. i was anxious to get there, to see Jarronn. but i didn't have any feelings of dread or worry. i even cracked a couple jokes on the way. when we got to the hospital, Jarronn's friend aaron met us in the parking lot. as he held back tears, he explained that Jarronn was in bad shape. that his foot was broken. that Jarronn had been complaining about pain in his chest.

as we walked into the hospital, i realized that i'd need to cancel a trip i had planned for the following week. that i'd have to stay with Jarronn and make sure he got better. aaron told one of the emergency nurses i was Jarronn's wife. i was eager to get an update and hoping to see him. the nurse asked us to follow him into the family room.

i started to get confused. why do we need to go to the family room to talk? why is this nurse acting so somber? why is he telling me that they are doing the best they can? that he just needs me to stay strong? i asked the nurse, "you're doing the best you can to do what?" as my mind raced and asked, "isn't it just a broken foot?! isn't he going to be ok?" the nurse told me they were trying to keep him alive.

at this point, i'm in the room with all of Jarronn's friends who had been riding with him. i call my mom. tell her Jarronn's been in an accident, and we need to pray. i get off the phone. i tell everyone in the room that Jarronn is going to be all right. and i believe it. because in my mind i'm thinking, "God, i know there's so much more for Jarronn here. i know how incredibly special he is. there's just no way he can't make it."

minutes later, after we all sat in silence, the nurse returned. this time with a doctor. he asked for mrs. jackson. i raised my hand. he came over to me. explained that Jarronn had a lot of internal bleeding. that they had tried to drain the blood out of his body and give it back to him. but the strain was too much on his heart. he was sorry.

i shot out of my seat.

"no."
"no."
"no."
"no."
"no."
"no."
"no."

i sounded like a broken record. and i felt like my "no's" could make it untrue. i asked them if they could go back and try again. feeling as though there had to be a way to bring him back to life. that this couldn't be it. it was supposed to be a broken foot. maybe broken ribs. how did we get here? people in the room were crying. covering their faces.

i sat back down in my seat. and then i prepared myself to make the two most difficult phone calls i've ever had to make. i called Jarronn's parents. my heart broke two more times. i made calls. people called me. people showed up at the hospital. it became a blur.

they invited me to go back and see the body, but i couldn't go right away. i wasn't sure if i wanted to have the image in my mind. knowing that it would be there forever. and that perhaps i wanted all of my memories of Jarronn to be ones of him living.

but eventually i went. he looked so similar to so many nights i had watched him sleeping. i touched him. kissed him. told him how much i loved him. felt like he was hovering over his body, observing the situation and, like me, wondering how this could have happened.

eventually, i had to leave the hospital. and Jarronn wasn't coming with me. and he wouldn't be there the next day.

and i realized how many things would never be for us. no children. no first anniversary. no cruise in january. no jazz in the garden that friday. and no red velvet cheesecake that night.

remembering Jarronn

2010-07-22T09:29:00.002-04:00

next week, friday, july 30 will be one year.

it's pretty hard to believe. some of you have asked what i have planned. to be honest, i'm really just hoping to get through the day. and down the road, i'm more interested in marking the day of Jarronn's birth as opposed to the day of his death.

but i do recognize july 30 as a good time to remember Jarronn's legacy. how amazing he was as a husband, son, brother, uncle, nephew, cousin, friend, and co-worker.

so i've put together a list of ways to honor Jarronn's memory and legacy, for those of you who'd like to do so. feel free to do one or all of the things on the list.

become an organ and tissue donor. Jarronn was an organ and tissue donor, and after he died, knowing that his body gave "life" to other people was a bit of a comfort. in addition, the washington regional transplant community has been a huge support to me since his death and does the same for hundreds of other donor families. they assign a special representative to every family and send regular letters and pieces of literature related to managing loss. i keep many of them around the house for inspiration and comfort. register to be a donor.
make a donation in Jarronn's honor. after Jarronn's death, we set up a memorial fund in his honor through our church. the church meant a lot to us. we joined together. grew together. grew as individuals. went through marriage counseling there. and right before he died, Jarronn had talked about wanting to start a small group for motorcycle riders. they've also been a huge support to me. many of you contributed to the fund last year, which i greatly appreciated. if you'd like to make a donation, please make checks payable to Zion Church, and write "Jarronn Jackson Memorial Fund" in the memo line. mail checks to Zion Church - 1400 Mercantile Lane, Suite 242 - Largo, MD 20774
light a candle. on july 30, during dinner or at some other time, light a candle to represent Jarronn. share good memories about him and take a photo of you with the candle. if it's not too much trouble, email me your photo at jarronnandjessica@gmail.com. i'll collect and share them on the blog.
share a memory. between now and july 30, email one of your favorite memories of Jarronn to jarronnandjessica@gmail.com. i'll collect and share them on the blog.

memories

2010-07-15T16:21:00.001-04:00

it probably sounds strange. but sometimes i feel like my past with Jarronn wasn't real. or i ask, how could it have been real? it's hard to reconcile the thought of him being here at one point, but somehow not here now. the world with him and the world without him seem so distant. so different. so hard to examine side by side.

death means that a person is here one day and gone the next. that's the reality. but wrapping your mind around the concept is a different thing.

and so i find myself at times reminiscing. thinking of moments and memories. and i question. did that really happen? how did i get from there to here?

it doesn't seem like Jarronn's presence should affect the reality of our past together. intellectually i know it was all real. but maybe, intellectually, it's hard to understand why we're not making more memories now.

sudden loss

2010-07-12T10:39:00.001-04:00

in my most recent dream about Jarronn, it seemed as though i was straddling time. in one sense, it was as though i had gone a year without seeing him, similar to how things really are. and he was returning from some kind of business trip that had him away for a long period of time. yet, at the same time, it was as though the setting of the dream was one week before he had died. so it was as though we were outside of normal space and time.

in the dream, i remember us talking on the phone, just after he returned. we were making plans to see each other, and i could hear the familiar tone in his voice as he talked to me. that tone that said, "i'm so happy and proud we're together. that i can call you mine."

when i saw him, we caught up. talked and laughed and shared.

and then i got serious. i told him that he may have a hard time believing me, but that in one week, he was going to get in a motorcycle accident. he listened as i told him the details. how it would happen. how he would die. and how i would wish i could have looked into his eyes after the accident and before he passed away.

he seemed to acknowledge everything i said as true. i told him that if he thought i adored him before, that he would really be showered with love now that he was back and given everything that was about to/had happened.

i woke up from the dream and was surprised by how i felt. as i've described on this blog, when i dream about Jarronn, i usually wake up disappointed to realize it was a dream and not reality. and that i'm still struggling to wrap my mind around him really being gone.

but waking up from this dream was different. instead of disappointment, i felt relief. and even a sense of peace.

and as i reflected on the dream, i thought about this: death is never easy. and a loss is a loss, whether the person who passes is eight years old or 80. none of us want to see a loved one deteriorate or suffer with pain, and i'm at times thankful that Jarronn died at such a good place in his life, without any major life pains. but i recognize that there is a significant difference between losing someone after they've struggled against a terminal illness and losing someone suddenly.

i don't think you can ever fully prepare yourself for the death of a loved one. but when there's some kind of notice, you can say your goodbyes. your final i love yous. you can discuss life beyond their death. and how they want to be memorialized. you can hear them say they want you to be happy. or let them know you'll carry on their legacy. you may even feel relief when you know they no longer have to suffer. and you can look into their eyes one last time.

i think my dream gave me some peace, because in it, i was prepared. i could see the death coming, and so i got my chance to say what i wanted to say. i felt like i had my moment. like there was some sense of closure. like i didn't have to rely on my heart to tell me that Jarronn knew everything i felt, because he was there talking with me and acknowledging it all. like he was prepared too.

these are all things i've missed.

so it was a good dream. and more importantly, while i could have stayed and dreamed for longer, it was a good dream to wake up from.

2010-07-07T13:40:00.007-04:00

i have to believe there's purpose in the pain. and so i do.

the pain of the pain

2010-07-06T15:54:00.001-04:00

it still hurts.

hurts to know that he's gone. that i'll never get one more conversation. one more hug. one more reaction to news i have to share.

while it still hurts, the pain has gone through changes. it has morphed. evolved. feels different.

it's less physical. it's less about the actual absence (which over time, i've been forced to learn to live with). it's less about the uncertainty of tomorrow (since, over time, the living becomes proof that making it is possible).

but there is what i've come to call "the pain of the pain." the undeniable recognition that i've had to experience this. endure this. that life could hurt this bad. that it's mine to carry.

somehow the thought of the pain, the reflection on the pain, causes pain.

maybe because though i know it may continue to evolve over time, i also know it has forever changed me. and i liked the me before the pain. or maybe it's because no other pain before this one seemed to so deeply penetrate every aspect of my life. to the point where i can't separate myself from it. and to the point where i know what others who've experienced this kind of loss have said to be true: the pain doesn't go away; you just learn to live with it.

that doesn't really sit well with me. doesn't seem very optimistic. doesn't seem like much comfort. or like any of those other positive things i've always tended to extract from life.

but as painful as it is, it may in fact be real. real life. real pain. real long. really.

action jackson

2010-07-01T11:17:00.001-04:00

in the weeks following our wedding, Jarronn and i had the chance to run into many of the people who had attended the ceremony and reception. so many of them had nice things to say about the day. how the venue was beautiful. how the food was great. how the dj was on point. how the deer came out of the woods to watch the ceremony, seemingly right on cue.

but more than anything, people commented on our vows. how touching they were. special. amazing.

on most occasions, people seemed to give more attention to Jarronn's vows than mine. this was even the case during the ceremony, when people darn near shouted "amen" and broke out into applause as he read them to me.

Jarronn's vows were amazing. and i understood that hearing a man make a declaration like the one he made was something people don't often hear. but in some ways, i felt like i had missed an opportunity to write and share more in my vows (which i kept short only because Jarronn begged me to). that i had missed the chance to display in front of our beloved family and friends how dedicated i was.

it may seem silly, but my insecurity about this caught up with me one day when we were at home. and after i heard yet another person go on and on about Jarronn's vows. i told Jarronn about how the situation bothered me. at first he brushed it off, telling me not to think about it. but when he could see i was genuinely upset, he made me stop what i was doing, grabbed me by the shoulders, and gave me a talking to.

he told me that my vows were perfect, and that he was the only person whose thoughts mattered. he told me that even though he wrote vows that people thought were eloquent, i was right in acknowledging that much of the fuss had to do with him being a man. and he went on to tell me how he and one of our groomsmen, lennox, had a conversation in which lennox told him, "you and jessica said some really great things up there. it all sounded really good. but now it's time for you to put your words into action." (i loved the fact that my husband surrounded himself with other wise, married men). Jarronn reiterated to me that in the end, the words didn't matter if we couldn't look back years from now and see that we had done the things we'd vowed to do.

and at that point, i was so impressed with, and so thankful for, how much he got it.

it reminds me of something one of Jarronn's rutgers friends reminded me of in a message she sent me a few weeks ago. she told me she spoke to Jarronn in the week before he passed and then had a conversation with her husband about one of Jarronn's facebook status updates that said, "love is a verb." i think it was something we had heard in church.

regardless of where it came from, i'm so glad that Jarronn loved actively. that he backed his words up with action. that i was on the receiving end of those acts.

father's day

2010-06-21T15:24:00.001-04:00

happy father's day to all the fathers.

i spoke to my dad yesterday and got a few good laughs in. all before letting him go so he could dedicate his full attention to tiger woods (you'd think tiger was his third child).

i spoke to my father(-in-law) too. shared some laughs. and shared some sorrows. though he and i share the sentiment that one day/holiday isn't necessarily more difficult than any other day, i do know how special father's day was for him, Jarronn, and my brother(-in-law). even in the times when all he wanted to do was have pizza at home from their favorite spot or just not go anywhere. the boys did just as he asked and made it his day.

and i'm saddened to know how much Jarronn's death has hurt his father. how it has challenged his faith. and challenged his spirit. i've even talked to Jarronn about it in my dreams with him. when he's asked me how his father is doing. and i've told him he's taking it really hard. and in turn, Jarronn's face turns sad and concerned.

the truth is, it's not the natural order of things. for a man (or woman) to bury a child. and Jarronn's father reminded me of that as we stood in the emergency room looking at his son's body. parents invest dreams in their children. perhaps even in a different way than how a person invests dreams in their spouse. i'm trying to deal with my deferred dreams, but i wish i could do more for Jarronn's parents.

father's day also reminds me of how much i wanted to see Jarronn as a father. how we'd talked about it not being a given that we'd be able to have children but how much we wanted them. and he always thought we'd make a good team, because he was a morning person and i stay up late (i'm sure there were some other reasons too.) he wanted something like five kids, and i told him i thought we should start with one and then see if he still felt the same way. but it wasn't surprising coming from someone who absolutely loved children. he was a fantastic godfather (he was playing the wii with one of his godsons at home on the night he died). and making a child laugh was probably one of his greatest joys.

i rounded out the day by reaching out to the fathers in my life. something that i know Jarronn would have done, being the great friend that he was. i wish that the kids of all of those men could have known uncle/goddaddy Jarronn in a deeper, longer-lasting way.

but this story gives me hope...posted on Jarronn's facebook wall back in may by a dear friend, joe:

Freezy! Was sitting in the car with the kids the other filling Mother's day out in secrecy. Well, Josiah happened to be sitting shotgun filling out his share. When trying to get Men In Black to play for him, the iTouch shuffled instead to Kirk Franklin's My Life, My Love, My All. Josiah immediately looked up to me with a face I'll never forget and said with a smile "I like this song......It reminds me of Mr. Jarronn." I told him it reminds me as well. Thanks for being my friend, and part of my family's lives. Miss you brother! Well Done!

lull

2010-06-21T11:32:00.000-04:00

when there are lulls in my posting, it typically means one of two things: 1) life is extremely busy with deadlines, events, etc. or 2) there's a multitude of thoughts and feelings floating around in my head, but i can't quite figure out how to articulate them.

this recent lull has been due to the latter of the two circumstances. lots of thoughts. lots of feelings. but not lots of ability to put those things into words. not lots of motivation either.

so i try not to force it...

the recurring dream

2010-06-09T14:54:00.000-04:00

i've always tended to have dreams that were on the crazy side. or at least on the long side. Jarronn would always comment on how the recaps of my dreams seemed to go on and on, full with "and then"s. my dreams hardly tend to convey one comprehensible storyline. instead, they jump around from place to place. people morph into other people. and they often relate to something that i heard or experienced in the day before.

for years, i've had a recurring dream that takes on slightly different details each time but always has the same central theme. i'm enrolled in a course for school, and somehow i've gone the entire semester without attending any classes. and i realize this on the day of a huge exam that's worth half my grade.

and so i panic.

and i'm so relieved when i wake up.

a bit strange, i know, but i have in fact spoken to at least five other people who have a similar recurring dream. what it means? i couldn't begin to tell you.

in the past 10 months, i've developed a new recurring dream. and like the other one, there are always slightly different details, but always the same central theme. Jarronn is back. he never was dead. just away. somewhere. but never dead. and i am happy. and think about how to share the news with everyone. and i am ready to pick up where we left off. to do all those things i'd hoped to do. to go back to being a wife. to get on with my life. and while it all doesn't make logical sense, it feels simple.

and so i embrace it.

and i'm so disappointed when i wake up.

what others know

2010-06-07T15:38:00.001-04:00

on some level, i guess we're all limited in knowing what other people know/think about us. if we meet the friend of a friend, we're typically completely oblivious of the details our friend has shared with that person. whether they be good or bad details. and in the days of the internet and online social networks, the same can be said for the strangers we meet.

but i guess my ~~situation~~ circumstances have heightened this for me. have made me more aware of how much i don't know about what others know. about me.

sure, i have this blog, which some people choose to read. and some of those people publicly follow the blog, and their username lets me know who they are. but others read without following. and still others follow without a recognizable identity. and some people don't read or follow, but they've heard my story.

and it becomes this interesting thing. where at times i interact with people and find myself wondering if they know about me. what they know about me. or i find myself assuming someone knows my story, based on their associations with people i know. sometimes my assumptions are right. but just as many times, my assumptions are wrong.

and it may not seem like a big deal. in fact -- one day, it likely won't be a big deal (which is both a good and sad thing). but right now, as there's still a level of freshness to all of this, it matters. it shapes the way i relate to people. what i say and don't say. the things i avoid. my level of comfort. how much i brace for impact.

in the days after Jarronn died, when i had first gone back to work, my commute was one of the hardest parts of my day. it was during that time -- an hour in the morning and an hour in the evening -- that i felt thrust into the world and like an alien on a foreign planet. i was riding and walking with people who were going about their daily routines at a time when nothing in my life felt scheduled, on track, or planned. and as i walked down the street and people passed me by, all i could think was that they had no idea what i was going through. and that surely, if they did -- even as strangers -- there'd be no way for them to just go about their routine. that maybe they would want life to stop just like i did. even if just for a moment.

but that's not how it goes. how it works. the world keeps turning. life keeps going. and i get further and further away from my loss being the primary detail that's shared about me. and what others know about me.

quiet

2010-05-29T15:05:00.000-04:00

it's quiet.

travel plans to atlanta got canceled due to rain. so i'm here...

made some oatmeal. for the first time since the last time i made it for Jarronn. delicious, but lots left over. probably need to downsize the recipe.

quiet.

around me and in my head.

i'm resisting the urge to make it loud again. to instead, embrace, enjoy, take in the silence. to feel balance. to still feel secure. to feel me.

what remains

2010-05-19T11:36:00.001-04:00

when Jarronn and i got into "the thick" of wedding planning, we tried our best to split the responsibilities. i found the venue, and he gave his approval. i gathered the caterer proposals and arranged the tastings. i booked the florist and created our invitations. and he was responsible for finding the photographer and the dj/musicians.

in doing his research, Jarronn found a couple of potential photographers, mainly through the recommendations of friends who had gotten married. i came across genevieve leiper's website and passed it on to him one night. he was hesitant to look at it, because he felt i was imposing on his assignment. and once he had looked through it, he complained (in jest) about the fact that i had found the photographer he wanted to go with.

our meeting with genevieve was wonderful, and we were ecstatic about working with her. i remember Jarronn asking her to tell us "her story" of how she got into professional photography, and how i thought that was so interesting. both her story and his asking. how it was another example of how much he cared about the details of people's lives.

i vividly remember the morning our electronic proofs arrived. we sat on the couch, looking through the slideshow of images and relived the moments of the day.

less than a week before he died, Jarronn sent the message below to genevieve:

Hey Genevieve,

I had to send you ANOTHER message to let you know how incredible you are at what you do!

There are two reasons that I say that, the first is that EVERYONE that has seen our online proofs always comments about how great the shots are, photographically and creatively! The second is that I have been to another wedding since and have seen at least three other people's wedding photos and NOBODY can touch you! You and Amy were working your behinds off all night and captured some great moments and pictures.

Your work will help us forever remember our wedding day as beautifully as we lived it on that day. YOU'RE THE BEST and I have given your contact information to a few friends of mine as a result.

Be well,
Jarronn and Jessica

---

and now those photos are what remains. i'm so thankful that we made the investment to capture everything that that day was. the people. the details. the smiles. the love.

genevieve recently wrote about her coverage of our wedding on her blog and posted some of her favorite photos. i hope that you'll check it out.

wedding vows, part II

2010-05-14T11:03:00.004-04:00

thanks for all of the lovely comments about yesterday's post.

in the lead up to our wedding, Jarronn repeatedly begged me not to outdo him with my vows. he'd remind me over and over that we were aiming for a minute or so of talking, and that he didn't want me to write something too eloquent that made him look bad. well, if you read his vows, you'd know that there was no chance of him being outdone. i was pretty blown away. and in my head, i thought, "i'm going to kill this guy for outdoing me!"

but in the end, what meant the most is that we both meant what we said. and knew it. before God. and all of our family and friends.

wedding vows
may 15, 2009
by Jessica Moreland

Jarronn –

Without knowing it, you’ve transformed my thoughts about love. Where I once doubted the notion of true, head-over-heels, totally devoted love, it is through you that I have come to learn that it really does exist. I thank you for accepting me for the person I am. For challenging me to become the woman I’m purposed to be. For sharing in my triumphs and encouraging me in times of disappointment. And for making it your personal mission to keep me laughing. {{ad lib}} -- As was exemplified here today. (smile)

There are days when seeing you, and knowing that we have each other, makes every challenge of life seem small. Loving you feels effortless. But on days when it may feel difficult, I vow to still love you. To show you patience, kindness, forgiveness, and support. I vow to encourage you and not tear you down. I vow to trust you in leading me and our family. I vow to honor you as my husband, to accept your imperfections, and to recognize the greatness inside of you.

I vow to keep God first, and work to make our relationship one that brings Him glory. I vow to pray for you and your strength. And I vow to depend on God to make me the wife you need throughout the different stages of our lives.

It’s my prayer that I’ll be able to look into these same eyes 50 years from now. I couldn’t be happier to be marrying my best friend. I couldn’t be more honored to become Mrs. Jarronn Jackson. And I couldn’t be more excited to spend the rest of my life with you.

wedding vows, part I

2010-05-13T12:03:00.010-04:00

saturday is our wedding anniversary. the lead up has been a bit rough.

in the planning of our wedding, Jarronn and i decided that in addition to the more formal, traditional vows, we would also write and share our own. those of you who were at the wedding, know how special the vows were. those of you who weren't, may have heard about them. and some of you have asked to see them.

so i figured that in the lead up to saturday, it would be appropriate to share them. today we'll start with Jarronn's. tomorrow will be mine -- same as the order in which they were recited. the words and emphasis are exactly the way he typed them. (the quotation marks and underlining were inserted by Jarronn -- typically as his places of emphasis and humor.) hope you enjoy the picture of our love.

wedding vows
may 15, 2009
by Jarronn Jackson

Jessica Alicia Moreland also known as Chatty, sometimes known as Babylove, commonly known as Boo,

As we stand here today, I continue to be in awe of how omnipotent and wise our God is. Throughout our relationship you have been my homegirl, my support, my best friend, and the love of my life…and today I will finally call you my wife.

I vow to you that I will take the responsibility that God has entrusted in me to lead our lives together and be a responsible, considerate, open-minded, and ever-loving husband.

I promise to love you in the way that you need to be loved by listening to you, compromising with you, and praying for you.

I promise to keep our love "fresh," by following the old wisdom of "whatever you did to get her, you have to do to keep her" and finding new things for us to discover and enjoy together.

I promise to keep our love "fun," by being spontaneous, and continuing to "date" you throughout our marriage.

I also promise to accept the vulnerability that comes with loving you so completely and unconditionally.

I promise that I will "try" to not let the pride of a man cloud my judgment in our marriage; and if it does, I vow to be "man" enough to admit when I am wrong.

I promise to give you not only the euphoric, intimate, and romantic "eros" love, but to love you completely, always. Eros, philos, and agape. With this agape love, this selfless, unconditional love, I promise to always work and always try. Through the years, I may need a reminder of this, but we can always go to the DVD!

With these promises that I have made to you today, I cannot guarantee that I will be all things, always, but I promise to always try and be an active participant in our marriage. Prayerfully, as we look back on our marriage many, many years down the road, we will see that all of these promises have been fulfilled.

It is with these vows that I pledge my unconditional love to you today and always!

a big deal

2010-05-10T16:03:00.003-04:00

so in my post about my 23 days off from school, i talked about wanting to travel. and last week, i took a much-anticipated trip to chicago for two days. my first and last trip to the chi was at an extremely happy time in life -- july 2008, and i was coasting on the high of just getting engaged and preparing to transition to my current job.

that 2008 trip was filled with lots of great times. visits to obama headquarters. boutique shopping. a lazy bus tour. my first encounter with big bowl. dancing with my favorite player d. mcnabb. and of course, great reunion time with my girls from college.

i had hoped that my second trip to the windy city would be under much different circumstances. more so along the lines of a surprise trip there to celebrate Jarronn's 30th birthday. but while the trip wasn't exactly what i had originally wanted, it turned out to be wonderful.

so why chicago, and why now? about six weeks ago, my boss and i started talking about the oprah show. she told me about her experiences going to the show, and i shared how going to her show before it goes off the air next year was one of my "bucket list" items. to my huge surprise, she said, "why didn't you tell me this before?" ummmm. huh? long story short...she sent a few emails and got me four tickets to the may 4 taping of the oprah show! talk about a big deal!

(yes, i have the best boss in the world. no, you can't email her for a hook-up.) :-)

and so we went to chicagooooo (said with my arm extended and in my best oprah shout). me, my mom, and two of my girlfriends. we scored a hotwire hook-up at the swanky hotel sax, and we ate our way through the city. hot asian buns. wine flights. massaman curry. and corn tortilla tacos. (man, i love food.) you can check out some photos below.

the show airs tomorrow, may 11. i wouldn't get too excited about seeing us in the audience, but you never know.

yes, chicago trip #2 was certainly different than what i had originally planned. and i definitely had moments where i thought about the what ifs and the should haves. but i had fun. and i was grateful.

and for the first time, in a very long time, as i sat on the plane (of course in my window seat), and descended back to reagan national, i felt happy to be coming home. and that -- just like oprah -- was a really big deal.

heart break

2010-05-07T15:50:00.000-04:00

lucky in love. that's how most people would label me. and i can't really argue with that. i've been blessed to know amazing people and to be in relationships with amazing men. men who have treated me with respect, loved me despite my flaws, and never wanted to hurt me.

and i tried my best to be all of those things to them as well. but i wasn't always successful. in fact, i know i was even the cause of some heart ache. heart break. hurt.

it's not something i say with pride. it's not something i say to imply that i somehow had the upper hand. there's no good feeling in knowing you hurt someone you love.

there were many times i wished i could have been the one to bear the heart break. it's not that i didn't have my own share of pain in those situations. but i knew that i ultimately was the cause of the hurt. the cause of the disappointment. the cause of things not going back to how they used to be. or how they wanted.

while i always had the best intentions, i always feared, somewhere deep down, that the pain would come back around to get me. that it was only a matter of time. that the luck was sure to run out. that i'd be the one who'd end up on the other side. wanting more. unable to have it. heart broken.

and that's where i've found myself. now i know heart break. and heart break knows me. only it didn't happen the way i thought it would. or thought it could. it wasn't caused by a man. instead, it's heart break caused by God. and i'm not sure if that's better, worse, or no difference at all. but i imagine there are a lot of similarities. feeling betrayed. feeling like a fool. searching for reasoning. waiting for a call (or in my case, an answered prayer). feeling abandoned. and trying to figure out where you went wrong. what you did wrong. and what could possibly make things better.

h.e.a.r.t. broken.

i hope God is as sorry as i've been.

23 days

2010-04-29T17:21:00.000-04:00

i can't tell you how happy and relieved i am that my semester is over. wrapped it up last night and feel like a 16-lb. weight has been lifted (that's one pound for every week of hard work).

the summer semester starts in 23 days, so i'm hoping for a break that is both relaxing and fruitful. i'm sure the time will fly by, but somehow i keep adding things to my list of to-do's in my head. my most-used phrase these days seems to be, "that's another thing i hope to do while i'm on break." and if you're wondering -- yes, i'm known to be over-ambitious.

but here's a sampling of what's on my list, if you're interested:

blog more
catch up with family and friends i haven't seen in a long time
read a book for pleasure
enjoy d.c.'s outdoor scene
deal with more paperwork
travel (more on that later)
give my talent to a good cause (nu-aaa)

any other suggestions???

mah neesh mah

2010-04-27T11:17:00.007-04:00

working as a sales representative meant that Jarronn got to meet all kinds of different people. he’d often come home or call me during the day with stories about people he met in a waiting room, the doctors he called on, or the front office staff. on occasion, the story might have even been accompanied by a photo he snapped with his blackberry — like the one below of a 80+ year-old woman wearing rocawear sunglasses. (something he had found hilarious.)

one of the reasons why Jarronn was so great at his job was that he had a gift for connecting with people. for the offices where there was a doctor that seemed less than eager to meet with him, he’d charm the front office staff — memorizing their names. things about their families. or their favorite things to do on weekends. since he died, i’ve found business cards and slips of paper with his notes about someone he met, so he could remember the details later. it wasn’t that he wasn’t genuine in his interest in the lives of people he met. but he was intentional. and he knew how much it would mean to people when he remembered details about them.

in the weeks after he died, i received lots of thoughtful messages, cards, and emails from his co-workers. one of them noted: "Jarronn is such a positive & humorous force; all lives are changed as a result of him. I have never seen a man so sure and excited about his marriage and his wife and his God and his family. You gotta know how much of an impact he made on our customers, his co-workers, I have barely sold a drug since Jarronn left us." i even got a card from one of the doctors offices he called on — something that i felt was a true testament to how much of an impression he made on people.

one of Jarronn’s favorite doctors was dr. jacobs. as i understand things, when Jarronn first started his sales job and calling on dr. jacob’s office, all sales reps were confined to standing in a corner and waiting, if they were lucky. the unlucky ones just couldn’t come in at all. fast forward three years, and Jarronn took me to dr. jacobs’ office where the staff couldn’t have greeted us with a warmer welcome. and dr. jacobs took time out of his packed patient schedule to visit with us. that day, he blessed our future marriage with a hebrew prayer, shook Jarronn’s hand heartily, and gave him an approving and supportive pat on the shoulder. it meant a lot to both of us.

this week, as i was getting ready for work one morning, i was searching through the nightstand next to the bed, looking for something. it’s full of things collected by Jarronn that i’ve yet to sort through, but it often turns up useful items. a tube of chap stick, a book of matches, or a needed document. on this particular day, i found a tiny blue slip of paper — a prescription sheet from dr. jacob’s office.

on the tiny slip were two words, written in a language i couldn’t understand. but i immediately knew what i was looking at. i immediately imagined Jarronn talking to dr. jacobs. asking him to teach him some new terms in hebrew. writing it down so he’d remember it for their next conversation or the one he’d have with the next jewish person he met who spoke hebrew.

and so i immediately went to my computer. opened up google. and searched for the words on the tiny slip of paper in my hand. i searched for meaning. i searched for the knowledge Jarronn had. i searched for connection.

what i found was that “mah neesh mah” was the phonetic spelling of the word “Mahnishmah.” Jarronn had written it in a way that he’d remember the pronunciation. and the meaning of “mahnishmah”?

it means “what’s up?”

and so i smiled. i felt that connection i’d been looking for. and i replied out loud, “not much, boo. what’s up with you?”

on being social

2010-04-15T15:21:00.005-04:00

the semester is winding down, so i've spent most of my time trying to wrap up loose ends on final projects, assignments, and presentations. two weeks to go, so i'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

in the midst of all this busy-ness, i've, of course, found time to fit in a healthy share of social interactions. everyone who knows me well knows i have trouble saying no to invitations for get-togethers, lunches, dinners, celebrations, outings, and such. always have. probably always will.

but it's not such a bad thing. in fact, interacting with all of the different people i've come to know is probably more fulfilling than anything else in life.

there's the comfort in my parents. the loyalty of my high school friends. the lunacy and compassion of my co-workers. the intelligence and inspiration in my classmates. a spectrum of beauty and aspirations in my girl friends. the protection, realness, and boyish antics of my guy friends. the possibilities for the future i imagine because of new friends. the encouragement found in messages from people i hardly speak to. the warmth of smiles from strangers that pass me by. the reminders of Jarronn's legacy as an amazing friend in the hundreds of people he brought into my life.

yes, i'd be lying if i didn't admit that some interactions are accompanied by winces of pain. sadness that Jarronn isn't here to be apart of them. to insert his perspective. his joke. his tap on my knee under the table. his post-interaction analysis. his hand-clapping laugh. his smile. his warmth. his knack for being such a good judge of character. his role as my partner.

but, ultimately, these interactions are sustaining me. they make me thankful. they make me recognize my blessings. they make my lack seem little, or even non-existent.

and though most aren't new relationships, they all somehow put me further along the path of finding the new jessica.

thanks for that.

an example

2010-04-06T14:24:00.007-04:00

this morning i attended a funeral. the grandmother of my Godsisters -- mrs. kirk, as i called her -- passed away. in some ways, funerals have taken on a whole new meaning for me. now that i've had to plan out the details. give the remarks. sit in the front row. as i sat in my seat, i was struck by the fact that whether a person has lived a full life or has been sick for years or dies suddenly, a loss is a loss. even for those of us who fully believe that there's life beyond physical death.

while i experienced my share of tears, it was a beautiful service for a beautiful woman. a woman who exuded grace and love. and a woman who i truly admired. she was a wife. a mother. a teacher for more than 25 years. a great cook. a great card player. and she encouraged her granddaughters to "play the game of life successfully, effectively, and ethically, even in a world where the men were born with four aces in hand."

while many people know me as the one who can be lively and tell stories and laugh loudly, there's a part of me that wishes i was like mrs. kirk. that i had a quiet confidence. an unspoken steadiness. sophisticated beauty. a tender voice known for its wisdom.

mrs. kirk and her husband, dr. kirk, were married for more than 63 years. (in fact, he made sure to mention during his remarks that they were married for "63 and a half years.") when i looked at them together, i saw the kind of marriage i hoped to have for myself. one of commitment. and devotion. and love. a marriage that had built a beautiful family with lawyers and engineers and doctors. a marriage that had built traditions and instilled values. a marriage that made the world a better place. a marriage that truly represented the intertwining of two lives.

she and her husband set the example.

during her eulogy, her pastor turned to dr. kirk and spoke of how intertwined their lives had been. how she feared the thought of being without him. that the renewing of their vows last summer, on their 63rd wedding anniversary, had been such a special way to tell her that she'd never go without him. that at a time when she felt that her illness was such a burden, her husband reminded her of his undying love. and the pastor spoke of how while it may be difficult, dr. kirk is giving a gift to mrs. kirk by being the one to bear the loneliness, as opposed to the other way around.

wow. perhaps i can look at my own situation like this. perhaps my faith was stronger and able to bear this level of loss in a way that Jarronn could not have. would not have. perhaps my continuing on is me giving him a gift. the gift of dying and resting at his happiest -- successful in faith. in love. in friendship. in health. in career. in living life passionately.

b.J.d.

2010-03-30T16:19:00.002-04:00

you know this whole notion of how society measures and labels time? b.c. and a.d.? before christ and anno domini (in the year of our lord).

my life now comes with a similar structure. before july 30, 2009 and after. pre-Jarronn's death and post.

looking at calendars has taken on a whole new dimension. and everything else that's dated, for that matter. emails in my inbox. receipts on my desk. canned food items in my cupboard. headings on a page of notes.

if the date on something is after july 30, i can usually look at it and move on. unless it happens to be in the july 31 - august 30 timeframe, when everything felt so fresh. so surreal. so overwhelming. dates in that timeframe make me remember my struggle to make sense of everything. to figure out who i was. to take care of so many details. (kind of still sounds like my reality today, but somehow it's different.)

if the date on something is before july 30, it usually causes me to pause. to remember how different life was then. how i thought of life so differently then. how i was a different person then. if the date is in the month of july 2009, my thoughts tend to turn to reflections on how quickly life can change. and to memories of my last everything with Jarronn. our last trip. our last movie. our last dinner. our last phone call. our last disagreement. our last kiss before he walked out the door to go for a ride with his friends.

these dates define my experience. my understanding. my realities. (at least for now). they cause me to stare into space. as if staring long enough would take me right back to those days before july 30, 2009. days that i miss. those days were filled with lots of expectations and dreams. and yet, i know that those days were also filled with false securities.

and sadly, those days weren't meant to last. except in the form of receipts. and cards. movie stubs. photos. emails. memories.

july 22, 2004
june 21, 2005
may 4, 2007
july 6, 2008
may 15, 2009

b.J.d.

before. Jarronn. died.

today

2010-03-24T13:52:00.003-04:00

today is one of my grateful days.

there's always something to be thankful for. always things that could be worse. but on certain days, like today, i feel an abundance of gratefulness in my heart.

grateful for big things, like my health. a place to live. people who love me. my needs being met. grateful for small things. a song on my ipod. my outfit for the day. mcdonalds french fries. a good laugh about an inside joke.

and grateful for five years with Jarronn. that God saw fit to bring us together. that He gifted me with something people only dream about. grateful for the love. and laughter. and excitement. and learning. and passion. and fulfillment.

and grateful for hope.

i love days like these.

riding

2010-03-22T17:09:00.005-04:00

spring is here. and the weather was beautiful over the weekend. this means that the bikers were out in full effect. and as Jarronn always pointed out, our area seems to have an extremely high number of riders.

all weekend, the riders were zipping by. and the sound of their revs could be heard from inside the house. i used to be able to hear Jarronn pulling up to the house on his bike, even when he was 200 yards away.

if Jarronn was alive, i'm sure he would have parked the car for the weekend and ridden his bike everywhere. i probably would have been on the back at some point too. every time i got scared while riding, i would close my eyes and pray to God saying, "everything will be ok. i know i have more living to do, so there's no need to worry." and i kind of felt like that went for me and Jarronn. we had more living to do, so God would protect us. life, and our relationship, were full of purpose.

riding was a passion for Jarronn. he got his motorcycle license in 2005 and couldn't have been more excited. he would search for bikes online for hours, trying to find the perfect one. then he found it. an orange and black honda cbr 600. after spending a few days on it, he came and picked me up for my first ride. he gave me instructions about responding to turns. told me not to put my feet on the ground. rode us up the street to cold stone creamery.

being able to ride on the back of the bike showed me how much i trusted Jarronn. trusted his ability and competency. trusted his ability to take care of me. we got me a proper helmet, in my size, so i could ride some more.

a couple months after getting the bike, Jarronn called me one day after work. he sounded so upset. he told me his bike had been stolen from outside of his apartment. we were just friends at the time, but i asked if he wanted me to come over. he did, and we talked through it. he felt like the bike being stolen was a result of karma. that he had done something grimy in the recent past, and it was his payback. i tried to assure him that things would be ok, as best as i could.

though i liked riding on the bike, and i knew Jarronn loved it, part of me was probably relieved that the bike was gone. it put my mind at ease. but the ease was short-lived. wouldn't you know it...the bike was found. in fact, someone dropped it off at a police station. who's ever heard of such a thing? there was some damage to the body -- spray paint and some dents. but it was fundamentally in good shape. and so i celebrated the bike's return with Jarronn.

once he got the bike back, he went to work on fixing it up. he ordered parts online. i had moved into a house with a garage, so he made it his work area. he had moved to maryland, but he'd come up on weekends to work on it. he stripped down the bike completely. (this made for a hilarious night where upon taking everything apart, he freaked out, woke me up, and told me he thought he might have gotten in over his head. that he wouldn't be able to put it back together. but he figured it out by the next morning.) once the bike was fixed up, it was time to get the candy paint. and the helmet to match, which had the letters "jron" stenciled on the side.we took some good rides that summer. our ride to the nj shore was one of my all-time favorites.

after a couple years, i admitted to Jarronn that riding on the bike made me nervous. he wasn't too happy to hear that. he much rather would have liked to think that i loved being on the bike as much as he did. that he could do something he loved so much and have me along for the ride with him. he'd find ways for us to ride the bike to the furniture store. and housewarmings. and baby showers.

in 2008, Jarronn decided to sell the honda. in the back of my mind, i was relieved again. and i thought that maybe he'd use the money to buy me an engagement ring (ha!). but, again, the relief was brief. he came home with a new bike two days later. this time a red and black yamaha r1. better. bigger. faster. he posted a photo on facebook with the words, "let's get it."

and he had a lot of fun. and i said a lot of prayers for him. and us when i was on it. and as much as part of me hated every time spring rolled around, because i knew it meant the bike was coming out, i also loved seeing him love something so much.

but did he love it this much? i ask myself that a lot. i know there were a lot of things he loved more. i remind myself that he didn't ride the bike in the months leading up to our wedding, because he didn't want to take any chances. i pointed out how that was a bit silly, since something happening to him after the wedding would be just as devastating. but it all made sense in his mind.

and so i still say prayers. now, they're for every rider that goes past me. and for every person out there that loves them.

photos

2010-03-17T01:14:00.007-04:00

it's a late night. got homework to do. but facebook "notified" me that someone likes one of my photos. one of my wedding photos. and so after looking at that one photo, i proceeded to look through the rest in the album. all 157. i know the moments by heart. but i get so caught up in looking at them. caught up in the smiles. and the love. love for each other and love from friends and family around us. and caught up in the joy. pure, unadulterated joy. Jarronn was so happy that day. i was so happy that day. he insisted that our wedding was "perfect," and didn't want to hear me say otherwise.

most times, looking at photos of Jarronn makes me smile. i remember the trips, the jokes, the special moments. but every so often, there's a photo of him looking the camera lense square in the "eye." and i stare back. feeling like he's looking directly at me. on the other side of the screen. on the other side of life. sometimes this makes me feel silly or a little crazy. sometimes it makes me want to reach out and touch his face and feel his smiling cheeks in my hands.

sometimes, like tonight, it makes me cry.

seeing in the dark

2010-03-09T16:47:00.002-05:00

1 How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?

2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;

4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.

6 I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.

psalm 13: 1-6

for church this past sunday, i went to hear one of my best friends, mike, preach in virginia. i had made the decision to go last week after he sent out a message to some of our friends with the service times and a quick prayer request. i decided not to tell him i was coming, and instead would just surprise him after the service. on saturday night, he sent me a text message asking if it was ok for him to reference me and Jarronn in his sermon. i told him i didn't mind. and i didn't say anything about my plans to be there for the sermon.

the message was titled, "how to see in the dark." and it's focus was on how to maintain in times of deep sadness or trial. the text for the message was psalm 13 -- a short psalm with just six verses. in the psalm, david calls out to God, in the midst of his affliction. and i can't tell you how easily i can look at those words and take them as my own.

there are so many times when i ask God, "how long?" how long do i have to endure this? to feel this way? there are so many nights when i ask God to remove the "sorrow from my heart." to lift the weight. to give me understanding. or "light to my eyes." to give me some kind of sign that He's with me. an assurance that i'm where i'm supposed to be.

these are my words and wishes. they were also the words and wishes of david. a man of tremendous faith. like david, i struggle with the paradox of feeling abandoned by God and, at the same time, knowing that He's in control of my life. in knowing that His love is "unfailing." in knowing that this pain and sorrow is a part of that love. in knowing that as much as it all hurts, i can't deny that God has been "good to me" in so many ways.

feelings vs. faith.

i've only made it because the faith has proven to be a bit stronger than the feelings. that's proven to be just enough on tough days. and maybe even on some days, it's a lot stronger.

either way, i know how Jarronn and i lived our lives. with faith. faith that what happened to us was for a reason. that God was in control. that He brought us together. and if i trusted God through all of the happiness, what does it mean if i lose all trust when that happiness goes away?

mike did an amazing job with his sermon. i cried through a lot of it. as he retold the story of his wife (also my dear friend), ashley, singing at my wedding. about my phone call to him from the hospital. about him not wanting to believe the news. about me losing the husband i adored, after just 2 months. i cried as mike talked about being honest with God, like david was. he talked about crying out in desperation. about feeling separated from God. but also about reminding yourself of who God is. of what He's capable of. and the thanks He's worthy of.

you can watch the sermon online.

good enough for dad

2010-03-04T17:11:00.002-05:00

if you ask my dad about his dreams, he'll tell you that he doesn't have them. or at least, when he wakes up, he doesn't remember them.

so we thought it was pretty significant that he had a dream he remembered. a dream about Jarronn. and on the night before Jarronn's birthday (and dad didn't know when Jarronn's birthday was). there wasn't a whole lot to the dream. it was just him and Jarronn playing golf. my dad's favorite activity.

my dad talked about how special it was that he dreamt about Jarronn on that night of all nights. and how playing golf with Jarronn was one of the things he had really looked forward to doing. he told me how ever since he saw Jarronn's golf clubs in the basement, he couldn't wait to get him on the course and "whoop up on him." he looked forward to Jarronn coming home to me and saying, "i used to think your dad was a nice guy, but i'm not so sure anymore." i laughed pretty hard thinking about this scenario my dad had created in his mind. dad really likes to talk trash. and i know where my trash talking comes from.

after Jarronn died, my dad stayed with me for a couple weeks. during one of our many talks, i told him how i couldn't imagine another person being more perfect for me than Jarronn. he shared how he never thought he could have liked someone so much for me. kind of funny that he said this, because in the past when i'd ask him what he'd do if i brought someone home he didn't like, he'd always say, "what could i really do about it?"

but it was obvious that my choice in a man did, in fact, matter. and my dad loved that when he looked at Jarronn, he was reminded of himself at that age. driven. focused. personable. funny.

i loved the relationship they had. every girl wants her dad to like her mate. that's probably especially true for me (Jarronn always called me a 'daddy's girl.') and my dad was right about Jarronn being like him. they were similar in a lot of ways. from the way they thought about things. to both working in sales for j&j. to having the same shoe size. and even down to using some of the same sayings. i'd tell my dad that Jarronn somehow had the best of him, and none of his flaws. (luckily, dad doesn't take himself too seriously, so he was ok with this comment).

the one place my two favorite men deviated was in football teams. Jarronn was a diehard skins fan, and dad is all about the cowboys. there were many a bet made between them, and i'm pretty sure a six-pack of heineken was exchanged at various points. references to this rivalry even made it onto Jarronn's and my wedding video. something about his love for me being so strong that he let my "cowboys fan father" participate in the ceremony. i'm not sure of many people who could pull off a joke like that.

but when it came time to put jokes aside, Jarronn did that too. while even his parents were in the dark about him proposing, he made sure to call my dad before we left for jamaica and ask for his blessing. he told my dad about our pre-marital counseling. about how he felt our values in life were aligned. how we could grow together.

to my dad, Jarronn was "a prince." and seeing how my dad related to him and liked him made Jarronn that more special. made me adore him even more. makes me miss him even more.

happy birthday Jarronn

2010-03-01T11:37:00.005-05:00

today is Jarronn's birthday. his 30th.

when he was alive, i had really looked forward to celebrating him and this milestone. i imagined a big party. where lots of people got to tell him how much he meant to them. how special he was. because i didn't think he had a true appreciation of how much the world loved him. and i wanted to surprise him with a trip. because we loved to travel. and i wanted to get him a nice gift, maybe a watch. (gifts was definitely his primary love language). i just couldn't wait to see how happy it would all make him. how thankful he'd be for life. a beautiful, joyful, and love-filled life.

Jarronn and i met when he was 24, so the first birthday i celebrated with him was his 25th. my co-worker tamika and i treated him to dinner (one of our group's rituals) at macaroni grill, one of his favorite restaurants, where he always ordered chicken rustica -- and he'd make sure to pronounce it with his version of an italian accent. (he later learned how to replicate the dish at home -- lucky me!)

he also celebrated by throwing a "quarter-century party" with our friend and fellow j&j-er vincent at ida mae's in nyc. he had a great time. and perhaps a bit too much to drink. when i spoke to him the next day, he asked me if i had made it to the party (he confessed months later that he knew i was there but was playing it cool). i reminded him that he introduced me to one of his friends as "his future wife." it was one of many inside jokes we had. but it's funny how things turned out. he'd later make jokes about being a prophet who claimed me and spoke it into existence.

there are special memories from all of the birthdays that followed. on his 26th, i told him i loved him. on his 27th, i gave him his favorite tie and cuff links. on his 28th, i mailed him a can of cashews while he was away on a ski trip, and he called to say, "girl, you must really love your man!" and on his 29th, we kept it low key as we were saving for our wedding. just church, family and homemade carrot cake with cream cheese icing (his favorite).

today is tough. surprisingly so. tougher than thanksgiving or christmas or valentine's day -- those seemed like any other day. but today is the day to celebrate Jarronn. it's his special day. and i so wish i could see his reaction to all of the amazing emails, cards, messages, wall posts, and calls so many of you have sent in the seven months since he passed.

two weeks before he died, i was working on a birthday celebration for one of my close friends. she was turning 28, and a group of us decided to put together a bunch of things in her honor -- a surprise luncheon, a slideshow with comments from friends, a scrapbook, gifts, a night out, etc. i admittedly remember being tired in the week leading up to the weekend of events and saying to Jarronn, "we're doing a whole lot of stuff, and it's not even a milestone birthday. maybe we should be waiting for her to turn 30." about two hours later, Jarronn was washing dishes, and i was watching tv on the couch. he called out to me and said, "you know, i was thinking about what you said earlier. about it not being a milestone birthday. but really, i think it's good that you guys are doing this now. because even though it's not a milestone, you never know what life might be like when she actually does turn 30. people might be in different places or different stages of life. it might not be possible to do something like this then. so it's good that you're doing it now."

i looked at my wise and amazing husband and said, "you're right, boo."

happy 30th birthday, Jarronn. thank you for changing my life, simply by living yours.

valentine's day

2010-02-25T17:49:00.010-05:00

ok, i know it's been awhile, but without any long run-down....life has been busy!
---

happy belated valentine's day.

five years ago, Jarronn and i shared our first valentine's day together. we were just friends at the time. or friends who liked each other but didn't say anything. in the weeks leading up to valentine's day, i had thought about him but didn't really see how any plans with him would materialize. then, a week or so before v-day, Jarronn sent me an email. i had lost one of our series of spongebob taboo games when we had been snowed in, and he wanted to "help me" pay back my debt. since i owed him dinner, he suggested that we visit a restaurant that was offering a three-course meal for two at some special price. he noted that the special was being offered on february 14, but didn't mention anything about valentine's day. how convenient.

he took care of the reservations. and we drove up to montclair after work. we sat at a little table and on little stools. we were incredibly close to the two couples sitting on both sides of us. so close, that we spent most of the dinner listening to the conversation of the couple to my left. it seemed to be one of their first dates, and the guy was incredibly into himself. he seemed to use the phrase, "but that's just me," at least a dozen times. Jarronn was totally engrossed. and we'd end up using that same phrase with each other years later.

after dinner, Jarronn gave me a jar of mini reese's peanut butter cups (my favorite candy). with it was a poem he'd written for me. it was a plain white sheet of paper, with a border of red heart-shaped balloons. it read:

The Heart is like a jar, to be filled with individual pieces. I hope that yours is always filled with things that make you happy... JUST-LIKE-THESE-REESE's!!! - an original from P.J. aka Young Barack aka The Homeboy's Hitch

Jarronn insisted that i read the last line with his funny voice emphasis that only he could do. i was pretty tickled. and touched. and impressed that he had pretty much come up with the perfect gesture and gift, given the state of our relationship. more points for Jron.

the following year, Jarronn was living in maryland, and i was still in new jersey. he bought us tickets to see vivian green, common, and floetry at constitution hall. it was a great time, and i fell in love with this song.

in more recent years, we started the tradition of not going out at all. instead we'd cook for each other every february 14. he'd whip up a new recipe for dinner (his area of expertise). and i'd bake something for dessert from scratch (more of my thing). i think it was one of the best decisions we made. and one of my favorite traditions we shared.

i could say a lot about how i feel. what i miss. but today, i'll just say that i'm thankful that i can still feel Jarronn's love. that it transcends physical space and time. i wanted many more, but i'm thankful for the five wonderful v-days i got.

periods

2010-02-17T12:42:00.002-05:00

one of my co-workers who reads my blog likes to tease me about my excessive use of periods. he claims it's one of the "rules" for jessica's blog. i have to say, i find this quite amusing. probably because i know so well that i write this blog with a lot of periods.

all this talk of punctuation got me thinking about something i heard someone say recently. i was in a meeting. the conversation had turned to our various life situations and how they affect our abilities to fulfill our responsibilities. then someone said that we sometimes find ourselves in a place where we are going along with life, and God places a period in a sentence of our life. and suddenly, that sentence that you thought might flow on beautifully, which you intended to fill with lovely prose and with the best nouns, verbs, adjectives, alliteration, and metaphors is abruptly. ended.

period.

no more words. start a new paragraph. even if it seems like you're breaking the rule of not having left your last one with three or more sentences. in fact, you can put the pen down. God's writing a different story. and you're not a co-author like you thought.

period.

snowed in

2010-02-10T16:26:00.007-05:00

by now, most of you know the deal or are living the deal. thirty inches of snow over the weekend and an additional 12+ is falling as we speak. it's the snowmaggedon. the snowpocalypse. the snowtorious b.i.g. and it makes you say "snoMG!" (love that one). whatever you call it, i haven't seen snow like this...ever. but unlike a lot of people who are getting stir crazy and longing to break free, i couldn't be more content to be at home. i'm loving the fact that everyone has been forced to slow down. that i was able to get over my cough and sniffles, because i finally got some rest. and that i've been able to tackle more of the things on my long list of to-do's.

during the first winter after Jarronn and I met, somewhere around early 2005, new jersey was gearing up for a major blizzard. (looking back, it was absolutely nothing compared to what's going on right now). so Jarronn made the suggestion that we get snowed in together. this concept of purposefully getting stuck somewhere other than at home had never occurred to me. but hanging out with him was always a good time, so i figured i could manage a 36-hour hang out session.

i made my way over to his apartment, and the snow was already coming down. not long after i arrived, Jarronn insisted that we go buy a sled. so we hopped in his car and slid our way up route 1 to the wal-mart. i laughed hysterically as Jarronn tried to pick out the perfect sled -- one that could fulfill his need for speed and somewhat looked like it wasn't just made for children under the age of 10. he pulled one off the shelf, placed it on the center of the aisle, and sat inside to make sure he had a match. the pickings were slim, so it would have to do.

we got back in the car, and he wanted to do fishtails in the parking lot. i told him he was crazy in my voice that has an underlying note of: "and i wish you'd stop." :-) he rolled over a curb on his way out the parking lot, and it seemed to straighten him out. once again, i laughed at the face he made. the one where he knew he might have taken something too far and needed to pull himself together.

we played hours of spongebob uno that night, which led to some heated debates. i lost our series of best out of five that night, and losing always came with a price. i owed Jarronn dinner. after watching t.v., i fell asleep on the sofa, and Jarronn probably conked out in the middle of his area rug, which he so often did. he seemed to have no coffee table, just for this very purpose.

in the morning, the snow had stopped, and it was playtime. Jarronn went on a search for a hill. but not before putting a pot roast in the oven (who would have guessed?). he had apparently had it in the freezer for some time and had been wanting to cook it.

once outside, Jarronn's first find was a 25 foot mound of plowed snow, which was somehow climbable, but had a ridiculous slope. he decided against using that as his playground -- at least for that moment. we found a much more suitable hill in the back of his apartment complex. there were a couple of young boys already there, sledding and having a great time.

it took no time for the boys to become Jarronn's snow partners. they took turns going down the hill. had a snowball fight, which they roped me into. and i'll never forget watching Jarronn push one of the little boy's faces down into the snow. i was shocked and thought for certain that the boy would bust into tears. but instead, he lifted up his face -- which had snowed stuck to his eyebrows, nose, and cheeks -- and just burst into laughter. i clearly saw the difference between girls and boys that day.

on our way back to the indoors, Jarronn passed that 25 foot mound again. this time, he thought, "why not?" never mind that the mound's slope was about 55 degrees and flat-lined sharply when it met the black pavement. all i'll say is that it wasn't pretty.

i was exhausted from the snow play and thought i was going to pass out. literally. it took everything in me to climb the flight of stairs up to Jarronn's apartment, as i envisioned how embarrassed i'd be when i came to and realized he had to call an ambulance for me. thankfully, i made it to the big area rug, collapsed, and was able to regain my strength without blacking out. years later, he found that story quite amusing -- mostly because he was so oblivious to the whole thing.

the pot roast was delicious. of course. and the company was even better. i almost didn't want the snow to stop or for my car to be accessible. i could really get used to this concept of getting snowed in...

photos of Jarronn in the snow...

six months

2010-02-01T15:29:00.001-05:00

saturday marked six months since Jarronn died. since life changed. it probably sounds strange, but i've both dreaded and looked forward to this milestone. the dread is for obvious reasons. life without Jarronn isn't the same. it's not my choice. and the more time that passes by solidifies how certain my new reality is. but in another way, reaching six months somehow provides an answer to a question i ask myself constantly: "can i really make it through life like this?" and milestones like january 30 somehow confirm that i can. that if i've in fact made it this far, i can make it through another day. one day at a time...

six months has moved quickly and gone by painfully slow at the same time. parts of me have wanted to hold on to life six months ago. to stop time and the world from moving. but things have kept moving. people kept living their lives. the sun kept rising and setting. i kept breathing. and i've had to keep up. had to move forward.

but unfortunately, forward sometimes feels like farther. farther from Jarronn and the life i loved.

half a year is a relatively short amount of time, but it's significant. and as i exhale {{exhale}}, i'm embracing the good and bad that has come with it.

swimming

2010-01-29T11:01:00.008-05:00

i had a dream about you earlier this week. we were in a swimming pool. there were lots of other people there too. we were in the deep end. i held on to your neck. you kept me above water. kind of like those summer days back in 2005 when we would swim at the princeton walk community pool after work. back when we were friends that hadn't admitted our secrets. and you'd make me laugh about my neighbors and find something for us to throw back and forth.

in my dream, i knew i was the only person who could see you. but i told you i was going to hold on and talk to you anyway. knowing that i'd look crazy.

alone in the deep end, talking to no one.

busy

2010-01-25T18:25:00.003-05:00

those of you who know me well, or maybe even not so well, know that i stay pretty busy. it's been this way for a while. there's times when the load on my plate borders on levels of insanity (or drives me close to it). but for the most part, busy is my normal. it's what i know. and i tend to manage.

one might think that with Jarronn's passing, things would have slowed down a bit. we spent a lot of time together. went a lot of places together. a void was definitely created when he died. time was freed up.

but that time was also quickly filled. filled first with dozens of phone calls and visits. filled next with making arrangements and paperwork. filled with conversations about feelings, faith, and the meaning of things. filled with work. filled with a school semester. filled with board meetings. filled with meeting up with old friends. filled with making new friends. filled with tidying my house. filled with making sense of my thoughts. and even filled with writing a fraction of my thoughts on this blog.

things are busy. i know. but maybe things are too busy? perhaps. being busy keeps me occupied. distracted. entertained. but maybe it leaves me with too little time to do those things that i don't want to do. the thinking. the crying. the sorting. things i need to do. i guess.

where's the line between keeping busy to get through something and being too busy to get through something?

back to jamaica

2010-01-21T09:36:00.005-05:00

last week i went to jamaica. and this time, my mother(-in-law) came along with me. Jarronn and i had talked about getting her down there for awhile, so i was excited that the time had come for her to visit a place i love and he loved so much. her first trip to the island. and a chance for her to experience things Jarronn did over the course of his three trips there.

when we landed last sunday, the weather was unseasonably cold. 62 degrees and raining. coldest i've ever felt it in jamaica. so the plans we had of being on the beach by 3 p.m. that afternoon evaporated quickly. the next day was overcast and barely 70 degrees. i stayed optimistic that the weather would turn around and prayed that the vacation would be able to live up to the hype. thankfully, the sun came out on day 3, and we made it to the beach.

the trip flowed with lots of good times. spent time in the sun. took a day trip to negril. rode on the catamaran. spent nights out on the town. climbed dunn's river falls. got out of a speeding ticket from the police. ate lots of ackee and saltfish. and beef/chicken/veggie patties. caught up with friends. and got through a 500-page novel.

and my mother(-in-law) had a great time, which she so deserved.

of course it was bittersweet that Jarronn couldn't be there too. in some ways, it's hard to feel the same way i used to about my visits, now that he's gone. i imagine him everywhere. on the boat, snorkeling in the water, sitting on the couch, snapping photos, eating in restaurants, sleeping in his bed, practicing patois, and riding in the car. it meant a lot to me that i was able to introduce him to this place and that he absolutely loved it.

here are some photos from the trip, and for nostalgic purposes, there are a few from the trip Jarronn and i took there in july 2008 at the end.

sting

2010-01-16T08:59:00.002-05:00

there are still days when i cry. but for the most part, the full out tears have been replaced by what i call "the sting." that feeling you get behind your eyes right before the tears start to form. some kind of memory flows into my mind, and i become overwhelmed. hurting. missing. longing. questioning. and then comes the sting. the burning. the pain in my eyes.

i blink hard. but never long. the former helps to soothe the pain and to prevent the onslaught of tears. the latter gives them the freedom to pool in my eyes.

i feel the sting multiple times a day. and so i'm used to it now. sometimes i wonder if i should be letting the tears fall, but there comes a point where you just don't want to cry anymore. or at least not as much.

so the sting is there. an invisible pain. mine to feel, but for no one to see.

the business of death

2010-01-10T22:12:00.003-05:00

the paperwork never seems to end. mail pours in, and the contents of most envelopes require attention. phone calls, faxes, form completion. i try to keep track of pre-addressed envelopes and my copies of documents. dealing with all of this right after Jarronn died was overwhelming. but i told myself it would all be resolved within a few months. it's been more than five months, and there's no end in sight.

i do my best to tackle a few things each day. some days, i'm completely unsuccessful. i look up after a day of work and realize i never even reached in my purse to pull out the day's papers. other days, i take on the task. i make phone calls. i usually have to explain that my husband passed away. the person on the line (usually) tells me they're sorry for my loss. i say thank you. and i know it's something they've learned to say as part of their customer service training. i try to get through this part as fast as possible. it typically feels unreal. and still, i've become more comfortable with it all. more rehearsed with the script.

what makes this all extra-tiring is when i can't simply resolve an issue. when i make a phone call to follow up on something, and i'm told i need to fax some special form. or wait to receive something in the mail. or that i can't access the information i want. there's nothing more frustrating than being ready to take care of something, to cross it off my long list of to-do's, but not being able to. i know the next day might not provide as many free moments, and i hate the thought of one more thing hanging over my head.

as much as i want to ignore it all, i know i have no choice but to deal with it. have to get it organized. have to keep it together. have to make phone calls. have to make copies. have to fax forms. have to mail letters. it's the business of death.

holidays and new year

2010-01-05T15:00:00.003-05:00

it's a new year. like a lot of people, i was glad to say good-bye to 2009.

getting through the holidays wasn't easy, but it wasn't particularly tough either. december 25 and january 31 without Jarronn don't really feel different than january 5 without him. i spent the time with my family -- christmas with my mom and new year's with my dad. i tried my best to make all of the phone calls that Jarronn would have made to family and friends. i couldn't quite keep up the way he would have.

i thought about how he and i spent christmas 2008 apart, each with our own families. the reasoning being that it was the "last christmas for the rest of our lives" that we could do such a thing. we'd be together on christmas, in one place, for years to come.

because we were saving for the wedding, we didn't exchange any major gifts for christmas. Jarronn bought me some work out clothes for the gym (a place i haven't been to since he passed). and i bought him a tie i never got to see him wear. i promise that's not because he didn't like it. just because it was for a special occasion. :-)

this was the year for us to do the christmas tree, something that Jarronn loved. but again, i didn't have the energy or desire to get it together. i'm hoping next year will bring something different.

-----

so like i said -- and we all know -- the new year is here. i honestly haven't quite bought into the whole idea that 2010 will be much better than 2009. i guess on one hand, it's hard to imagine how things could get any worse. but on the other hand, i cringe at being naiive and know that anything can change in an instant. 2009 was supposed to be a great year. the year dreams came true. the year to kick off the rest of my life. it was that kind of year until july 30 hit. so now, it's just hard to have high expectations about the year ahead.

but i'll face it. and i'll do so with a new found understanding of what a difference a year can make. and i'll hope for better things. and i'll try to make sense of some things. and i won't live life with assumptions -- about anything.

2009-12-23T16:12:00.001-05:00

life isn't fair.

WWJD?

2009-12-17T16:31:00.001-05:00

not 'what would Jesus do?'

what would Jarronn do? i spend a lot of time asking myself that question. mainly asking how he would deal with this situation if the tables were turned?

would he have struggled to get out of bed in the mornings? or lost his appetite? or stopped working out? or felt a loss of identity?

would he break down and cry when he was alone? would he smile, joke, and laugh through the pain? would he be able to focus at work? would people tell him he was so strong?

who would he go to for comfort? who would he cry in front of? would he leave so many emails unanswered? how much would he share?

how would he feel talking about me? would he smile when he saw my picture? would he reach for the phone to call me?

what would he do with my clothes? and papers? and receipts? and toiletries? would he sleep on my side of the bed? would he smell my clothes for traces of my scent?

would his faith be shaken? would he believe everything happens for a reason? would he think he was responsible? would he look at the future with hope? would he believe that one day he'd see me again?

i wish i could follow his example. like i did with a lot of other things. instead, i have this life to live. these choices to make. this process to go through. my way.

chosen

2009-12-14T16:30:00.003-05:00

since Jarronn died, i've given a lot of thought to this notion of being chosen. or more so, i've questioned how God decides who to choose for certain things. what determines whether or not someone lives a long life? whether they have a disability? whether they are able to have children? whether they fulfill a dream?

why will so many people around me live lives that are "normal," and mine will forever be marked by this extremely tragic event? why do some people get most of the things they want, while others spend their whole lives only wishing to do so?

before Jarronn died, i often wondered why i'd been chosen for so much. chosen to have loving, supportive parents. chosen to have a great education. chosen to have friends who never betrayed me. chosen to never lack materially. chosen to have never experienced heartbreak. chosen to have a face some people find pretty. chosen to have found the love of my life.

really, how does God decide? before Jarronn died, the only explanation i had for why i'd been chosen for so much was that i obviously wasn't strong enough to handle the pain of deferred dreams that i'd seen so many people around me endure. but clearly, i was wrong about that.

i get upset that i wasn't chosen to spend the rest of my life with Jarronn. to build a life and family with him. to see him grow into the man he wanted to be. to see us overcome the challenges of marriage. to see us impact the lives of people around us. together.

but then i remind myself that it could have been different altogether. i could have not been chosen to meet Jarronn at all. to experience love i didn't believe existed. to spend hours laughing harder than i knew i could. to feel the contentment and self-assuredness that comes with being in a relationship like the one i had with him.

i may not be chosen for so many of the other things i've wanted out of life, but i'm not sure there's really room to complain about that. really.

p.s. thanks for all of the well-wishes surrounding the end of my semester. i was feeling the pressure, but things turned out well. love.

familiar feeling

2009-12-08T13:21:00.008-05:00

last week of school. definitely feeling the pressure. and that means less time for writing on the blog. trying to focus at work. list is made. headphones are in.

here's what i'm listening to. song by john mayer. a new favorite artist (i know i'm behind the curve on this one). have a listen...

dreaming with a broken heart - john mayer

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
then waking up is the hardest part
you roll outta bed and down on your knees
and for a moment you can hardly breathe
wondering was she really here?
is she standing in my room?
no she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the giving up is the hardest part
she takes you in with her crying eyes
then all at once you have to say goodbye
wondering could you stay my love?
will you wake up by my side?
no she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my , roses in my hands?

would you get them if i did?
no you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the waking up is the hardest part

robbed

2009-12-04T23:55:00.002-05:00

a friend of mine who later became a friend of Jarronn's sent me an email in response to my post about the why vs. the what. in it, he talked about his feelings right after Jarronn passed. he said he felt "robbed" of a friend. of future memories. that the world was robbed of a good man.

wow.

wow, because Jarronn was that special. and wow at how accurate that word is in describing the situation. the shock, the loss, the lack of fault or answers. robbed. the word just hits me...

dry cleaning

2009-11-30T14:36:00.005-05:00

i hadn’t been to the dry cleaners in a really long time. made lots of attempts, but never seemed to make it there. this started to become a problem, because i was missing some of my favorite clothing items. i also knew that i needed to go and see if any of Jarronn’s clothes were still there. i wondered if the people at the dry cleaners had been trying to call Jarronn’s phone to get him to pick up his unclaimed items. his phone that i leave turned off, yet still pay the bill for.

last night i cleared out a box of items from Jarronn’s car. i found a dry cleaners receipt for 7/27/09. three days before he died. i knew his clothes must have been there.

i took my bundle of clothes into the shop. it’s owned by a married korean couple. the husband asked for my phone number. i asked him to change my name in the computer to “jackson.” his wife sorted and counted my items. i handed her the receipt for Jarronn’s clothes and wondered if i might make it out before having to tell her about him. i figured she might not have remembered we were married.

but she did.

those who were at Jarronn’s memorial service might remember me talking about how much everyone loved him. “even the people at the dry cleaners.” Jarronn would frequently tell me how much he liked this particular shop. how they knew exactly how to lightly starch his shirts. how he’d greet them in korean. how they were christians. how they were always happy to see him. i once picked up his clothes, shortly after we got married. i gave the woman the first three digits of his phone number, and before i could finish, she exclaimed, “mr. jackson! oh yes, he is [our] #1 customer!” of course, i smiled. he was my #1 too. when i got home and told Jarronn, he smiled ear-to-ear and laughed so hard. probably said something like, "i love my people."

so when i stood there today, and she said, “your husband, mr. jackson hasn’t been here in a long time,” i had to swallow hard. i told her he had died in july. that it was a motorcycle. i'm not sure she understood my english. her husband came up front, and i told him the same thing. they were shocked. and saddened. and sorry. i told them how much he loved coming there and thanked them for always taking such good care of him. i wished we could have said more to each other, but the language barrier got in the way. the husband carried Jarronn’s clothes out to my car.

as i drove off, a couple of tears fell. wish i could be taking those clothes home to him. wonder when i’m supposed to pick up mine…

the why vs. the what

2009-11-24T16:31:00.002-05:00

church on sundays isn't quite the same. but it's still fulfilling and worthwhile. this past sunday, our pastor (keith battle) talked about how he deals with trials in his life. with the deaths, illness, and other struggles, 2009 has been a tough year for a lot of people (can i get an amen?).

pastor battle talked about how he's learned to avoid doing what most of us do when tragedy and trials happen in our lives. he's learned to resist the urge to ask "why?" it's a natural thing, but the truth is asking "why?" doesn't help us move forward. it also implies a sense of entitlement that none of us has really earned (that's a jessica addition).

instead of asking "why?", pastor battle suggested that we ask "what?" as in, "what am i supposed to learn from this?" now i can honestly say that i often look for lessons in life. and that i believe life is all about learning, growing, and getting better. but i can also honestly say that after Jarronn died, i had no capacity to see a lesson in the situation. in my mind, Jarronn's death wasn't worth some lesson i might learn. it wasn't worth the pain that it caused me, his family, and so many of the lives he touched.

but there are some things i've learned. not sure that they're the ultimate lessons. those might come months or years down the line. but they're good ones, i think. i've learned that we have false perceptions about the amount of control we have over our lives. i've learned that grieving is a process that chooses us and can't be rushed through. i've learned that the human spirit is incredibly strong and has the capacity to overcome anything.

and perhaps pastor battle is right when he says, "pain is the greatest classroom." pain, unlike happiness, gets our attention. i swear i thought i was being attentive enough, but apparently, God had a different opinion. and oh, how i'd hate to go through this class and not learn anything. left to repeat it over and over, until i receive my passing grade...

"When times are good, be happy;
but when times are bad, consider:
God has made the one
as well as the other." - Ecclesiastes 7:14

PBJ

2009-11-20T15:29:00.003-05:00

i made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch. one of Jarronn's staples. i made him two pbj's back in 2005, the night we had our talk. the talk about liking each other as more than just friends. after a year as friends, we joked about how maybe it was something in those sandwiches. or the full moon. or it being the first day of summer.

Jarronn told me he liked those sandwiches, but i think he was just trying to boost my ego. the truth was that we liked our pbj's very different. i like thin layers of peanut butter and jelly. Jarronn liked to pile on both. we both learned to make them in the way the other person liked.

on certain mornings, i would make pbj's for Jarronn to carry in his lunch bag. he appreciated it a lot. i was happy that something so small could make him happy.

i miss having him around to do things for. having someone to make happy. someone to buy gifts for (he LOVED gifts). and someone to cook for. of course i can do all of these things for other people, besides Jarronn. but really. it's not the same. throughout this situation, i don't think there's been a moment when i've felt the absence of love. on the contrary, i feel extremely loved. but i miss giving love. in the way i was once able to.

arizona

2009-11-17T15:47:00.006-05:00

a few weeks ago, some of my girl friends took me on a weekend trip to arizona for my birthday. (i have absolutely amazing friends; more on that later). it has taken me a few weeks to post about this, mainly because it took me so long to get the photos together.

arizona was great. i had been there many times before, because my father lived there for about seven years. i had really wanted to take Jarronn there. to see the grand canyon. and sedona. a new part of the world. i unfortunately never got a chance.

this trip was special, because outside of knowing i was flying to arizona, i had no idea what the weekend had in store. as with all major events/occasions these days, i headed into the weekend in a bit of a funk. it's hard to get excited about things in the same way i used to. my normal attitude is to jump into things head first and ensure a good time for myself and others. but lately, i feel like i've lost some capacity to do that, and when i realize it, i'm depressed to see how i've changed. that i'm not quite myself.

but the weekend definitely got better. that's what happens when you're surrounded by amazing people. they took me to sedona, where we drove through the red rock mountains. we climbed the vortex and felt the peace that comes from seeing how spectacular God's work is.

my friends made me laugh. made me relax. got me a massage. got me full. made up my face. made me dance. made me cry. gave me a rock. gave me memories. and gave me power -- in the form of a purple bracelet. :-)

if you're going through something difficult, i highly recommend taking a trip somewhere. it doesn't make everything different or change circumstances when you get back home. but there's something about how different scenery can take you to a different place, if even mentally.

enjoy the photos...

untitled

2009-11-15T01:07:00.003-05:00

sometimes it's hard to know that pain in life is inevitable. if i could tell myself, with a guarantee, that this was the roughest it would get, that i had hit the bottom, that there'd be no pain worse than this....it might make it a little easier to bear.

instead, i live with the possibility that i have a lot more living to do. and though there will likely be much more happiness than pain in my life when it's all said and done, pain will be a part of this journey. it feels pretty daunting. i try to tell myself that this will give me the strength to face all of the future pains, but let's be honest. i can't be so sure.

grocery store

2009-11-10T12:16:00.001-05:00

i decided to stop by the grocery store last night on my way home. i've hardly been to the grocery store since Jarronn died. i used to go every three or four days. it was one of my household duties we'd agreed on. Jarronn used to tell me i was weird for calling it the "supermarket" and not the "grocery store."

the thing about going to the grocery store (as i learned to call it) is that i usually run into people i know. on my way in, i ran into one of Jarronn's flag football teammates. he told me he and his girlfriend wanted to get together soon. i told him i looked forward to it.

went inside and grabbed a few things. between health nut, 12 grain, honey oat, country wheat, sweet crunch, and oat bran -- it took me about five minutes to choose a loaf of bread (really, how can there be so many choices?) it was a lot easier when Jarronn was around. i'd always just pick up his favorite brand.

i got into the check-out line and scanned the magazine rack. in the midst of learning that fergie's husband is cheating on her, the guy in line in front of me turned around and asked, "do you know someone named Jarronn?" i think my eyes must have showed happiness and sadness at the same time. the guy had gone to high school and played in the school band with Jarronn. he told me how he had a photo of the two of them from his freshman year. how he had seen the two of us together a few times, which i wasn't able to remember. he insisted that he buy my groceries. soy milk. bread. syrup. cookies.

we went outside, and he seemed eager to tell me a few Jarronn stories. i'm always up for those. he told me how he played the drums, and that people would tell him how great he was. but he'd always say he had learned from Jarronn. he told me other stories of things he'd done, because he saw Jarronn doing them. the long hair. the gum chewing. the sayings. stories of how Jarronn stood up for him when some dude wanted to beat him up.

we talked about the motorcycle and how Jarronn's accident made him decide against getting one. i told him i understood. that it's hard because Jarronn loved his bike so much. he said, "yeah, but he loved you a lot more. i saw him with his helmet once, but i saw the two of you together all the time." it might sound silly, but that was good to hear. something i needed to hear.

maybe i should go to the grocery store more often...

halo

2009-11-05T15:49:00.004-05:00

seems like every song has a memory connected to Jarronn. but this particular one always gets me. when it first came out, i made a big deal about how fine michael ealy was in the video. i made Jarronn watch it with me, and i told him i thought beyonce' might be my cousin, because she has the little moles on the side of her eyes like people in my family do. (he thought that was funny). i'm not a huge fan of beyonce's acting (and who the heck knows what the water scene is about??), but i do love the looks that she and mike ealy exchange in this video. i think they capture that feeling of being totally amazed by someone.

one night during our honeymoon, we were riding on a shuttle to dinner, and the song came on. the shuttle was full, so Jarronn rode in the seat directly in front of me. i placed my hand on his shoulder and sang along with the song. sang the words to him.

now as i hear the lyrics, that all seems ironic. and funny that they still apply now.

three months

2009-11-03T16:53:00.003-05:00

three months since Jarronn's been gone. a quarter of the year. longer than the time we spent married. right after he died, i wondered how it would be possible for me to function. the thing with stuff like this is that one day, you look up, you realize that three months have passed, so obviously it's possible. the future doesn't look more bearable, but at least you have the proof to know you can make it.

even after three months, i still struggle with the reality of it all. this weekend i dreamt that he was alive. that he'd only been away on a trip. he made me laugh. i told him he was "so silly" (something i must have said to him at least three times every day). i watched him sleeping in bed. i went to tell people he was back. but i stopped short of it when i remembered that he couldn't really be back. i had seen his body in the hospital. in fact, he's really gone.

still, i seem to spend most days lost in thoughts where i imagine he's back. and i imagine feeling just a few minutes of what he made me feel. and i imagine the life we'd dreamed of. and i imagine a regular saturday. and i imagine the sofa armrest is his lap. and i imagine him putting on his suit in the morning or mopping the hardwood floors or calling me with a funny story from his day.

i try to talk to him, but it's never anything very eloquent. which just makes me feel silly. i don't feel him around me, though i so wish i did. maybe that's just stuff for the movies. and meanwhile, time just keeps on passing. the leaves have changed. events comes and go. people celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, and new beginnings. nothing stops, though i'm stuck trying to remember the details of the last five years of life. trying to move forward, yet not wanting to. enjoying some wonderful moments, while being reminded of how much has been lost.

three. whole. months. people say time flies. and it does. but i've fully felt these past three months. the reality and weight of each day and moment without the love of my life.

sick

2009-10-31T23:00:00.000-04:00

thursday morning, i woke up and felt like i had been hit by a bus. seems as though my body got tired of waiting for me to give it some rest, and decided to take it instead. i made it to class on thursday night, mainly because i couldn't stand the thought of falling behind. but i spent the rest of thursday and friday in the bed, in the dark. still trying to get my body right. being sick is no fun, but i know that isn't news to anyone.

i don't get sick like this a lot. although there were a couple of days during the middle of my honeymoon when i seemed to experience some similar symptoms. woke up one day and just didn't feel right. had the chills. no appetite. i felt horrible about disrupting our trip by being sick. and i was determined to get better as fast as possible. so i slept in our cabana for the entire day. Jarronn went off and learned to water ski. he came back to check on me. he went off to try wind surfing. and came back to check on me. he played his daily game of volleyball. and came back to check on me.

he bought me the $12 box of tylenol cold from the hotel gift shop. he told me not to push myself too hard if i wasn't feeling well. when i fell asleep one night that we were supposed to go out, and i realized what had happened the next morning, he told me it was more important for me to get my rest.

he was great. not too fussy, which i don't like. reassuring that it was ok for me to take time to get better. adjusting to the circumstances. another example of how he knew how to relate to me.

special

2009-10-27T14:23:00.000-04:00

Jarronn was so special. the kind of person you'd notice when he walked into the room. the kind of person that leaves an impression on people. important people. random people. high level executives. the neighbors down the street. the lady at the dry cleaners. the sales team at debeers. the receptionists at his doctors' offices.

i'm constantly running into people who knew Jarronn. last thursday, it was his old co-worker who told me how much Jarronn inspired him to work hard and live a life of faith. he also told me he'd beat up anybody that gave me any trouble (it's funny how support comes in all forms). :-) that same night, i met a girl who went to high school with Jarronn. i guess a lot of people now know my face, even though i can't always remember theirs. she asked me if i was Jarronn's wife. i love when people ask me that. i still feel proud when i get to answer 'yes.'

at church on sunday, there were more people who introduced themselves as friends of Jarronn's. i like meeting all of these people. people who i know got to experience some of the greatness that was Jarronn.

and at the football game last night, as i sat in Jarronn's seat, i heard the season ticket holders in front of us telling my friend how they missed having him around this year. that they used to call him jason campbell (ummm, no comment.). and i got to feel proud again as i introduced myself as his wife.

proud because he was so special. and he loved me. chose me. stretched me. took care of me. and i got to feel and experience his specialness every day.

birthday

2009-10-25T15:45:00.006-04:00

i wish it hadn't been so long since my last post. i have more than enough to say for each day. but not nearly enough time. work and school have demanded a lot of time. perhaps it's a blessing in disguise.

wednesday was my birthday. the first birthday without Jarronn in five years. the first birthday he was around for was in 2004. he, myself, and our co-worker tamika (unofficially known as "the caucus") had started the tradition of going out for dinner to celebrate each of our birthdays. we went to outback steakhouse for mine. Jarronn had us laughing as he created commentary for the table next to us. he asked the server about her "flair" -- which later led to a viewing of the movie 'office space' at his apartment a few weeks later.

subsequent celebrations of my birthday brought lots of fun times. dinners out together, thoughtful gifts. in 2006, my first birthday back in maryland, Jarronn threw me a surprise party at lucky strike. i was pretty impressed at how well he had pulled it off. especially considering that he hardly knew my friends back then.

this past year, i suggested that we not exchange gifts, as we were trying to save money for our wedding. i woke up last year to homemade belgian waffles and Jarronn's excitement to celebrate me. i came home to a gift. Jarronn had printed one of my favorite photos of us and framed it with references to some of our favorite phrases, inside jokes, and moments. the perfect gift. it hangs between my dresser mirror and bedroom door, and i stare at it for a few minutes each day. for a few final seconds before i leave the house.

i didn't know how i'd feel on my birthday this year. luckily (i guess), i tend not to make a big deal out of my birthday or have any expectations for it being the best day of the year. but i did think about Jarronn. how this wouldn't be a birthday that started and ended with him. how three years ago, i told him i wanted to be married by this birthday. he found that pretty amusing at the time but later reminded me that he helped me reach my goal.

this year's birthday was a good one. i worked that day, had class afterwards, and then a two-hour conference call. not exactly relaxing, but the day was filled with lots of love and things i'm thankful for -- flowers on my desk, lunch at a great restaurant, cake and a card at work, and even cupcakes from my group project members when i got to class. i was overflowing with gratitude.

so another year and another birthday. different, but good.

private pains

2009-10-20T13:02:00.000-04:00

in a sense, i'm lucky. i've experienced this incredible loss and the pain that goes along with it. but at the same time, i've had the freedom to deal with it publicly.

a few weeks ago, i realized that this isn't the case for a lot of people. there are people who are facing pain that's just as real, just as deep. but their pain doesn't tend to warrant the kind of support i've received. people can rally around a person who's lost a loved one. and the person who's grieving is expected, and even encouraged, to express their pain. not sure why that is. maybe because death seems more inevitable and is therefore easier to relate to.

but there's lots of people who experience pain, and with it carry so much baggage. a spouse who has left, an addiction that won't go away, mental illness, issues of insecurity, losing a job, suicidal thoughts, falling short, dreams deferred...the list goes on and on. i wish i could hug all of those people. or let them have one day where everyone encourages them to talk about their feelings. to not feel ashamed. to feel a support system and abundant love. to receive dozens of cards that tell them everything will be ok.

sometimes it doesn't seem fair that i've been the recipient of all of that. that i've been kind of lucky.

tears

2009-10-16T02:16:00.003-04:00

there are now actually days when i don't cry. sometimes because i'm able to hold back the tears. other times because i'm so focused on my to-do list. and other times when i'm just feeling thankful.

but it seems that when i go a few days without crying, it's like my body wants to make up for lost time. and so i cry for extended periods of time. not usually triggered by anything in particular. but it's like the well has reached capacity, and the overflow begins. the tears rush out. the sobbing ensues. i wonder if there's progress in all of this.

i read somewhere, shortly after Jarronn died, that tears flush out emotional tension and help release endorphins (brain chemicals released from the brain which can cause feelings of relief and euphoria). i remind myself of this every time i cry. it's my way of trying to make myself feel better. it's hard not to feel sorry for yourself when you hear yourself sobbing, sniffing and gasping for air. or at least it's hard for me.

together

2009-10-12T08:34:00.002-04:00

i dreamt of you last night. we were together. i told you stories and anticipated your response. i felt so comfortable. felt like myself. you cracked some jokes. made me laugh in the way that no one else can. you demonstrated that confidence and self-assuredness that i love.

and then i kissed you. you kissed me back. i held you tight, not wanting to let go. kind of like i used to even when you were here. and i knew this was the closest thing we had to being together. i told you that. and you let me relish the moment.

us. together.