the business of death

the paperwork never seems to end. mail pours in, and the contents of most envelopes require attention. phone calls, faxes, form completion. i try to keep track of pre-addressed envelopes and my copies of documents. dealing with all of this right after Jarronn died was overwhelming. but i told myself it would all be resolved within a few months. it's been more than five months, and there's no end in sight.

i do my best to tackle a few things each day. some days, i'm completely unsuccessful. i look up after a day of work and realize i never even reached in my purse to pull out the day's papers. other days, i take on the task. i make phone calls. i usually have to explain that my husband passed away. the person on the line (usually) tells me they're sorry for my loss. i say thank you. and i know it's something they've learned to say as part of their customer service training. i try to get through this part as fast as possible. it typically feels unreal. and still, i've become more comfortable with it all. more rehearsed with the script.

what makes this all extra-tiring is when i can't simply resolve an issue. when i make a phone call to follow up on something, and i'm told i need to fax some special form. or wait to receive something in the mail. or that i can't access the information i want. there's nothing more frustrating than being ready to take care of something, to cross it off my long list of to-do's, but not being able to. i know the next day might not provide as many free moments, and i hate the thought of one more thing hanging over my head.

as much as i want to ignore it all, i know i have no choice but to deal with it. have to get it organized. have to keep it together. have to make phone calls. have to make copies. have to fax forms. have to mail letters. it's the business of death.

holidays and new year

it's a new year. like a lot of people, i was glad to say good-bye to 2009.

getting through the holidays wasn't easy, but it wasn't particularly tough either. december 25 and january 31 without Jarronn don't really feel different than january 5 without him. i spent the time with my family -- christmas with my mom and new year's with my dad. i tried my best to make all of the phone calls that Jarronn would have made to family and friends. i couldn't quite keep up the way he would have.

i thought about how he and i spent christmas 2008 apart, each with our own families. the reasoning being that it was the "last christmas for the rest of our lives" that we could do such a thing. we'd be together on christmas, in one place, for years to come.

because we were saving for the wedding, we didn't exchange any major gifts for christmas. Jarronn bought me some work out clothes for the gym (a place i haven't been to since he passed). and i bought him a tie i never got to see him wear. i promise that's not because he didn't like it. just because it was for a special occasion. :-)

this was the year for us to do the christmas tree, something that Jarronn loved. but again, i didn't have the energy or desire to get it together. i'm hoping next year will bring something different.

-----

so like i said -- and we all know -- the new year is here. i honestly haven't quite bought into the whole idea that 2010 will be much better than 2009. i guess on one hand, it's hard to imagine how things could get any worse. but on the other hand, i cringe at being naiive and know that anything can change in an instant. 2009 was supposed to be a great year. the year dreams came true. the year to kick off the rest of my life. it was that kind of year until july 30 hit. so now, it's just hard to have high expectations about the year ahead.

but i'll face it. and i'll do so with a new found understanding of what a difference a year can make. and i'll hope for better things. and i'll try to make sense of some things. and i won't live life with assumptions -- about anything.

life isn't fair.

WWJD?

not 'what would Jesus do?'

what would Jarronn do? i spend a lot of time asking myself that question. mainly asking how he would deal with this situation if the tables were turned?

would he have struggled to get out of bed in the mornings? or lost his appetite? or stopped working out? or felt a loss of identity?

would he break down and cry when he was alone? would he smile, joke, and laugh through the pain? would he be able to focus at work? would people tell him he was so strong?

who would he go to for comfort? who would he cry in front of? would he leave so many emails unanswered? how much would he share?

how would he feel talking about me? would he smile when he saw my picture? would he reach for the phone to call me?

what would he do with my clothes? and papers? and receipts? and toiletries? would he sleep on my side of the bed? would he smell my clothes for traces of my scent?

would his faith be shaken? would he believe everything happens for a reason? would he think he was responsible? would he look at the future with hope? would he believe that one day he'd see me again?

i wish i could follow his example. like i did with a lot of other things. instead, i have this life to live. these choices to make. this process to go through. my way.

chosen

since Jarronn died, i've given a lot of thought to this notion of being chosen. or more so, i've questioned how God decides who to choose for certain things. what determines whether or not someone lives a long life? whether they have a disability? whether they are able to have children? whether they fulfill a dream?

why will so many people around me live lives that are "normal," and mine will forever be marked by this extremely tragic event? why do some people get most of the things they want, while others spend their whole lives only wishing to do so?

before Jarronn died, i often wondered why i'd been chosen for so much. chosen to have loving, supportive parents. chosen to have a great education. chosen to have friends who never betrayed me. chosen to never lack materially. chosen to have never experienced heartbreak. chosen to have a face some people find pretty. chosen to have found the love of my life.

really, how does God decide? before Jarronn died, the only explanation i had for why i'd been chosen for so much was that i obviously wasn't strong enough to handle the pain of deferred dreams that i'd seen so many people around me endure. but clearly, i was wrong about that.

i get upset that i wasn't chosen to spend the rest of my life with Jarronn. to build a life and family with him. to see him grow into the man he wanted to be. to see us overcome the challenges of marriage. to see us impact the lives of people around us. together.

but then i remind myself that it could have been different altogether. i could have not been chosen to meet Jarronn at all. to experience love i didn't believe existed. to spend hours laughing harder than i knew i could. to feel the contentment and self-assuredness that comes with being in a relationship like the one i had with him.

i may not be chosen for so many of the other things i've wanted out of life, but i'm not sure there's really room to complain about that. really.


p.s. thanks for all of the well-wishes surrounding the end of my semester. i was feeling the pressure, but things turned out well. love.

familiar feeling

last week of school. definitely feeling the pressure. and that means less time for writing on the blog. trying to focus at work. list is made. headphones are in.

here's what i'm listening to. song by john mayer. a new favorite artist (i know i'm behind the curve on this one). have a listen...

dreaming with a broken heart - john mayer

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
then waking up is the hardest part
you roll outta bed and down on your knees
and for a moment you can hardly breathe
wondering was she really here?
is she standing in my room?
no she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the giving up is the hardest part
she takes you in with her crying eyes
then all at once you have to say goodbye
wondering could you stay my love?
will you wake up by my side?
no she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my , roses in my hands?

would you get them if i did?
no you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the waking up is the hardest part

robbed

a friend of mine who later became a friend of Jarronn's sent me an email in response to my post about the why vs. the what. in it, he talked about his feelings right after Jarronn passed. he said he felt "robbed" of a friend. of future memories. that the world was robbed of a good man.

wow.

wow, because Jarronn was that special. and wow at how accurate that word is in describing the situation. the shock, the loss, the lack of fault or answers. robbed. the word just hits me...