second christmas

christmas #2 without Jarronn has come and gone. and we all managed through it. there really is something to getting through "the firsts," and i'm glad that we've done that and made it through half of our "seconds" as well. but the big days and holidays aren't completely easy either. they still come with moments of longing. and with unspoken--yet understood--words between the family. and the underlying knowledge that we're trying to make the best of what we have.

christmas dinner was small and held at my house. this was a big improvement from last year when i neglected to put up a single holiday decoration or feel an ounce of christmas cheer. and i was thankful for the improvement in my attitude. i cooked. did some decorating. and even baked my christmas cookies (something Jarronn loved).

most of the day was fantastic -- enjoying the time with my parents and Jarronn's immediate family. exchanging beautiful and thoughtful gifts. watching football and taking post-meal naps on the couch. we went through old photos and snapped some new ones.

the biggest snag came with me cooking a leg of lamb that didn't seem to be turning out as well as i had hoped. when i cook for other people, i take it pretty seriously. so the thought of christmas dinner turning into a bust had me stressed. it also had me missing how Jarronn loved cooking the entire meal for thanksgiving and christmas dinners. filling his shoes can sometimes be really, really tough.

and that, of course, applies to more than just food prep. there's the friend shoes. the sibling shoes. the cousin shoes. the godparent shoes. and the child shoes. all big. all hard to fill. none really possibly to fill. but i wish i could. i really, really wish i could.

i am, however, thankful for what i can do. bring our families together. carry on his memory. find new joys in life. and prayerfully make it through the rest of "the seconds," "the thirds," "the fourths," and so on.

i pray you and yours had a merry christmas! and Jarronn would want me to wish you a happy kwanzaa too!

in loving memory

wow. it's been three weeks since i've blogged, which is much longer than i prefer. but it's been for good reason. i started a new work assignment, and it's been keeping me busy.

last monday, Jarronn's parents, brother, and i planted a memorial holly bush in Jarronn's honor. this is signficiant for a few reasons. first, while Jarronn and i and his family all felt/feel that cremation was what we wanted after he died, it does mean that we aren't really left with a place, like a grave site, where we can visit to remember and reflect on Jarronn. and while i spread some of Jarronn's ashes in our special spot in jamaica, i obviously can't visit that site on a regular basis. when one of Jarronn's friends had told me that he visited the site of his accident after he had passed, the idea didn't really sit well with me. that we would remember him at the place where things took a turn for the worse. and so since late last year, i've been trying to arrange for a space within close proximity, with beauty, and with a connection to Jarronn.

i'm happy to say that we planted the bush at woodend sanctuary -- the place where we got married. steps down from the grove and alter where we exchanged our vows and were surrounded by the love and support of our friends and family, is a small, young holly bush. it has just a few branches and just a few red berries, but i'm praying that it grows and flourishes, provides a snack for the birds, and provides a peaceful reminder on the days when i vist there and sit on the nearby bench.

we kept it small and intimate - just the four of us -- because it felt easier and right that way. we used our hands to grab handfuls of dirt and plant the bush, carefully patting the dirt into place and introducing the bush to its new home. talking to Jarronn along the way.

after the tree was planted, i read from khalil gibran's "the prophet." on our wedding day, in that same place, my mother had read the poem about marriage from "the prophet." last monday, i read the poem about death.

Than Almitra spoke, saying, "We would ask now of Death."

And he said:

You would know the secret of death.

But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?

The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.

If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.

For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.

In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;

And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.

Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.

Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.

Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?

Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?

For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?

And what is to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?

Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.

And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.

And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.

---

that stanza in bold got me that day and seems to get me every time.

we each took some time to say a few words. some that were positive and some that were still questioning of God's purpose and plan. some that were happy about what we'd done in Jarronn's memory and some that were pain-filled as thoughts turned to how much life has changed since he died. Jarronn's brother, theo, even noted how the bush's branches looked like they were arms outstretched, ready to give a hug.

and i couldn't help but think about how much woodend, on a cold december day, looked a lot different from our may 15 wedding.

but it also looked a lot like the fall 2008 day when i brought Jarronn there to show him the place where i envisioned us getting married. and us looking up at the tall trees together, looking at the deer nearby, and thinking about our future.

when i go back to visit, and sit on the bench by his holly bush, i'm going to do all of those things. look up at the trees. watch the deer in the distance. smile about my past. and think about my future.

memory monday #6

yesterday i had brunch with two of Jarronn's long-time friends, who i'm glad to say became my friends years ago as a result of my relationship with him. marck and ludgina both went to rutgers with Jarronn, laughed with Jarronn, and grinded through engineering with Jarronn. while they were all just friends back in school, marck and ludgina started dating after college and are now married (Jarronn was a best man in their wedding).

it was so good to see them. there are so many happy memories connected to them -- a road trip to upstate ny to visit them. their visit to md and stay in my apartment (i begged Jarronn to hang curtains in my room the night before they came, which made my downstairs neighbors come knocking around 12:30 a.m.) a great time in vegas and a hilarious post-ride photo from the stratosphere ride (so good, i actually purchased the $10 copy. this video gives you a sense of the ride, lol). meeting in nyc during the holidays and ice skating in central park. Jarronn always wanting me to show off my best meals when we hosted them for dinner. them putting us on to moscato d'asti (years before anyone thought to mention it in a rap song). a funny voicemail in left creole that Jarronn saved and would replay for us to laugh at. hearing that they were going to have a baby girl. marck as a groomsman in our wedding. and tons of time laughing with each other, at each other, and about the dynamics in both of our relationships.

i can honestly say i feel like i've known both of them for much longer than i have. and it's always been so easy to understand why Jarronn loved them both so much. as i sat with them and their beautiful daughter yesterday, there were so many moments when we laughed. and as they sat on one side of the booth, and i was on the other side with an empty spot next to me, i could imagine Jarronn there and me nudging him or squeezing his arm as we shared in the laughs. not like old times. but just like old times.

today's memory monday was written by ludgina. on august 10, she wrote:

Jarronn was my brother from another mother! We sometimes bickered as if we were brother and sister too☺. We went to Rutgers together and from Week 1 we were great friends. I miss him. The last time we spoke/texted was on July 4, 2009. After that we played some serious phone tag. My two wishes are that I could have had just one last conversation with him and that he was able to meet and take a picture with my daughter who was just shy of 3 months when he passed away. Although Jarronn is no longer here on Earth, I am grateful for all of the great memories (we had some good times!), and for being able to have known such an inspirational and wonderful person. The candles and wooden piece in this picture were given to me by Jarronn in January of 2004. I haven’t lit them since he passed so it was very special for me to light them on the anniversary of the day he became an angel watching over us. Until we meet again J. 

- Ludgie Baby.

“God didn’t promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for tears, and LIGHT for the way.” ~~Unknown~~

and if you've never seen this video marck put together to honor Jarronn after he passed, you should check it out!

rejection

there are many moments, many days, when thinking about the pain that many others have experienced and endured gives me the courage and the acceptance to get through. to keep moving. to be.

but then there are random times, sometimes very real and sometimes perhaps even suppressed moments, when none of that seems to matter. the times when the person with the far more tragic story than mine can't help at all.  and the stories of endurance don't give me any hope.

it's the moments when my pain seems to be fully mine. and the times when i feel fully alone. and the times when i fully want to reject it all. it's in these times, i don't want someone to relate to. because i'm at a point where i'm too tired of embracing it all. i don't feel like moving toward getting better, because i'd much rather move toward what used to be. toward a previous state of me.

it's at these times i'm extremely selfish. and without any apology for it. though also not without guilt about it. it's at these times i cry aching, ugly tears. but never as many as i would like to. it's at these times i look for someone else that would be better suited for this stuff. but as i add names to a list in my head, i quickly scratch them off.

i don't like these moments. 

empty

i've been coming to the end of things. finishing things that were here when Jarronn was here. the last of his cocoa butter. the last of the glass cleaner. the last of the giant tub of country crock. all empty.

last month, it was the huge bottle of era detergent. the very special detergent that Jarronn told me was the only detergent he would use. that he had searched for years to find a detergent he liked, and era was it. i once went to two grocery stores looking for era and bought tide when i couldn't find it. he went out the next day and found some at bj's. told me i could use the tide for my clothes, but his had to be done with era. i finished it. now it's empty.

it's a natural attrition, i guess. things run out. and they get replaced by new things. my products. my choices. whipped butter for the country crock. tide for the era.

but it's funny how finishing the era feels like the end of one.

what used to be a simple exercise in rinsing and recycling large plastic containers has become much tougher. much more sad.

they remind me of all the change my life has gone through. of how time keeps moving. and that there was a space, once occupied by Jarronn, that is now empty.

white plates

last week, i had a few friends over for dinner. i was excited, because it gave me a chance to pull out a lot of the things in my kitchen that i registered for and imagined using once i got married. the nice placemats. the cloth napkins and napkin holders. the place setting holders. the bone china serving dishes.

in preparation, i went out and bought some new plates. not that i didn't have plates in the cupboard. but these were white plates. nothing too fancy. in fact i got a whole 18-piece set at ikea for less than $25. but they're white. which is what i wanted.

when Jarronn and i were picking things for the house, we collected a mish-mash of things -- from my apartment, his apartment, and housewarming gifts. i asked that we get white plates, because they go with everything, can be mixed and matched, and food always looks good on them.

but Jarronn didn't like that idea. and he could be pretty adamant when it came to choosing things for the house. almost as though he didn't want to be labeled as the man that left all "domestic" decisions to the woman. we registered for a nice set of white china at crate & barrel, but for the everyday plates, he chose a light yellow colored set. and he seemed passionate about it, so i compromised on it. and really, the set he chose was lovely.

since Jarronn died, i've hardly entertained like i'd (we'd) hoped to. but when it came time to do my own dinner, i got my white plates. and after i finished setting the table, i stood back and felt so pleased. it was just the way i wanted it to be.

 

having a partner is great. and i would never choose white plates over having Jarronn around to compromise with. but being able to make my own decisions, without the need to compromise is also great. call it my attempt at appreciating the situation that's been given to me. but i do appreciate it. and i do like that sometimes in life, i can get just. what. i. want.

memory monday #5

on saturday, i went to a family and friends get-together at my mom's house in new jersey. i tend to question if everyone feels that their family is crazy in the same way Jarronn and i always have. but in any case, i guess this is why our families always got along so well.

everyone in my family loved Jarronn (especially my aunties, who would ask if he had a much older brother or wealthy uncle somewhere). and seeing how well he got along with my family meant a lot to me.

today's memory comes from my older cousin, nikki. she was the maid of honor in our wedding and has always been more like an older sister to me.

It was July 5, 2007 (I think that's the right date). It was during the party at the club house in Princeton to celebrate 5 years that you guys were at the house. I arrived late, but was so surprised to see how much family was there that i haven't seen in ages. You were there with your hair in a curly style (looking gorgeous as usual), and Jarronn was by your side in an African get up that I thought looked great on him. I always thought you guys looked amazing together. A part of me was jealous of the connection you two had. (but good jealousy, I promise.. lol)

Anywho, throughout the night I had a chance to talk to Jarronn and was always impressed with the way he spoke. I had plenty of laughs as he acted silly with Maria... had a blast taking silly photos of him playing around with Nick, and smiled as he did a quick twirl on the dance floor with Tianna. He filled the night with a couple of jokes, and had a wonderful way with kids. You know how we Tomlinsons can be a bit lively, silly, foolish, loud and love making up songs out of the blue at times). That night Jarronn fit right in like he's been a part of it all for quite a while. He was an amazing person, you knew that the moment you met him, and were convinced it was the truth the moment he spoke.

That day wasn't the first time I had met Jarronn, but that day was the first time I knew he would be ... and is... family.

A few photos attached of the silly man! :-)

Love you so much Jess!
Nikk