birthday visits

last week tuesday was Jarronn's birthday. 31 years since he was born.

the day wasn't quite as tough as last year. i guess that happens when you're no longer planning towards the date.

we didn't have a party in his honor like last year. and i didn't have as many people reaching out to me like last year. but that's not something i'm sad or disappointed about. in fact, fewer reminders of the loss and the need for people to pray for me probably contributed to it being a more manageable day. it's encouraging when it's sporadic, but it can become overwhelming when it's all at once.

in the morning, i tried reading his facebook wall and couldn't make it through more than a few posts without tearing up. so to prevent the risk of looking crazy to the people working around me, i quickly closed the page.

i did get a chance to visit two of his "resting places" last week. i was in jamaica up until the day before his birthday and went to our special spot before heading to the airport. it was beautiful, as usual, though some of the trees around the spot had been removed and new things planted. change is constant, i guess. the sky was blue, the sun was bright and the horizon line seemed to stretch farther than normal. i thought about all the moments we'd spent in that spot, from friends to moments away from being fiances.

this past saturday, i went to visit the holly bush we planted at the site where we got married. originally, i planned to visit with the thought that it would be nice to visit both places (from jamaica to maryland) during his birthday week. but by the time saturday afternoon rolled around, i felt a huge need to visit, as though it was the only way to find some peace for the day.

i was happy to see none of the deer had eaten off the leaves. at the same time, i hoped to see a bird land on one of the branches, thinking it would somehow give me a sign that Jarronn was there and could and feel me. i sat on a nearby bench and talked to Jarronn. not a whole lot, but more than i normally do, because typically trying to talk to him just reminds me that i won't hear a response. that our days of having conversations are behind us. and i usually can't bring myself to mutter more than just a few words at a time. the sky was gray, the branches were bare, and the only noise was the rustling of leaves that were pushed around by the wind.

it wasn't easy. from warm, shining light to cool, dreary clouds.

it was a big adjustment last week. it was a big adjustment a year and a half ago.

iLove

happy valentine's day!

i hope you celebrate and appreciate today, not just for romantic love, but for love in all its forms.

not just for today's love, but for loves past.

not just for spoken love, but for love that needs no words.

not just for love's joys, but for love's priceless lessons.

not just love from others, but for love for yourself.

party of one

i'm a social person. i like hanging out with people. sharing experiences. having company. but i’ve also come to the point where i don't want my lack of company to hinder me from doing something i really want to do. like visiting a festival or a restaurant or a museum exhibit or any other interesting place. it seems silly to wait around for others to do certain things that i really want to do. and i’ve been pleasantly surprised to find that the experience of doing things on my own can sometimes turn out much better than one that's influenced by someone else and their preferences.

yesterday i had one of these moments. i had been craving diner food for most of the weekend and made a decision to visit ihop after church. my first intention was to find company, but when that wasn’t working out, i figured there was no reason why i couldn’t go to ihop alone.

sundays at ihop are always pretty crowded, and yesterday was no different. i made my way through the sea of people waiting for tables and approached the hostess with the waiting list.

i asked her how long the wait would be for one person. she told me less than 15 minutes, which i knew wouldn’t be bad, given that i had a book to read as i waited.

“name, sweetie?”

“jessica.”

she wrote down my name and scratched a “1” in the box next to it.

as i turned to find a seat, a small part of me wished i could have been seated immediately, not to get to my food faster, but to avoid being the lonely-girl-sitting-in-ihop-by-herself-reading-a-book. amongst the families with restless kids and groups of friends, i wasn’t really blending in.

not long after my name was called, and i made my way to my table, my dad called. i told him i was in ihop, and he asked who i was there with.

“no one.”

he laughed and said, “i hear you!”

i proceeded to make him laugh some more by reenacting the waiting process. how because of the long list of groups, the names of the different parties were projected over the intercom…

“monica, party of six – monica, party of six.”

“smith, party of four – smith, party of four.”

“janet, party of five – janet, party of five.”

“jessica, party of one…jessica, party of one.”

we laughed some more about my love for food and my inheritance of his metabolism. i ordered. i read more of my book. i ate. i talked to a finicky gentleman in his 60’s who was sitting next to me (another “party of one”).

with a full stomach and a satiated appetite, i went up front and paid my bill. and as i turned from the counter and made my way to the door, the woman on the intercom called…

“jackson, party of two … jackson, party of two.”

and i thought about that. how that was the call i should have been responding to. not the one i responded to 40 minutes earlier. or maybe it's not "should have" but "would have." we would have woken up together. we would have gone to church. we would have gone to eat. we would have talked and laughed. there's more "would haves" than i care to count.

and i had to question if my theory about doing things by myself was still holding true. i questioned which was better -- "jessica, party of one" or "jackson, party of two"?

and the answer is neither. both are what they were and are. one might be more desirable, but it's also not possible. another might be more uncomfortable, but it's also my reality. what's been given to me. what i can make the best of.

so i'll just have to party of one.

on writing

wow. january really flew by. this was largely due to a pretty demanding work schedule. one that required lots of writing and left me with little time or mental capacity to write here as well.

i’ve missed writing here.

i spoke to a widower a couple months ago, not long after his wife had died. we talked about his experience. my experience. Even how our spouses' names were similar. and i tried to give him one of the things that those of us who have experienced the untimely death of a spouse can share: a reassurance that he wasn’t the only person on earth experiencing tragedy on this level. there were more of us experiencing the ups and downs, the well-intentioned suffocating families, the lost identity, the physical pain, the words that fell short of bringing comfort.

he asked me if i found my writing on this blog to be helpful. i told him that in some respects, the writing does little for how i feel, because the things i write here only capture a fraction of my emotions and experiences. typically, for every entry i post, i think of two more topics that i may never write about.

but what i did realize and tell him was that writing helps me process a feeling. putting the feeling into words helps me more closely examine how i feel and what i’m going through. it doesn't make the feeling go away, but it helps me more effectively go through it. live through it. survive it. and once it’s out there, articulated in words, i can release it from my muddled brain.

so when i don’t write here, i miss it. i miss the release of it. i miss the going through. i miss confronting my grief and the reassurance that i’m feeling and living.

i’m hoping february brings more opportunities for me to be here.

Proverbs 16:9

In their hearts humans plan their course,
   but the LORD establishes their steps.

- Proverbs 16:9

you

i've mentioned before how i received hundreds of messages of support from different people after Jarronn died. some by text message. some by email. some by facebook. some by way of cards and packages.

some from family. some from friends. some from acquaintances. some from people who knew Jarronn. some from people who hardly knew me or Jarronn.

all of it has been amazing.

some shared sympathies. some shared personal tragedies. some shared personal triumphs. some shared treasured memories. some shared words of support. some shared their thoughts about this blog. some shared what they got from this blog.

i'm so thankful for all of those messages. i haven't always gotten to respond to all of them (and this was especially true in the first six months after Jarronn died), but i do read every message. and i take something from every message -- whether its a smile, a memory, a tear or encouragement. and many times when i don't respond, it's because i was so touched that i wanted to craft the perfect response but never got around to it (the downfall of sometimes being a perfectionist). nevertheless, i'm always most struck by how so many people are kind enough to take time out of their busy schedules and lives to reach out to me and offer support, even if that just means saying hi, praying for me, or letting me know they've taken something from my "story."

the same can be said for those of you who comment on and follow this blog (whether publicly or privately). who take time to keep up with my up and down feelings and sporadic postings. who often smile when i smile and cry when i cry.

i greatly appreciate all of you.

and as i've said in many of my responses to those hundreds and hundreds of messages, i truly believe that all of the thoughts and prayers and well wishes have made a difference. that they've held me up in a way i can't even really understand. and that you all operate in an orchestrated way, with just the right timing, in a way that you can't even really understand.

it's beautiful. it's a blessing.

thank you.

expectation

happy new year, everyone.

like many of you, i'm hoping that 2011 is a year that brings new opportunities, achievements, blessings, and fulfillments.

and perhaps unlike many of you, i have no interest in declaring or claiming what 2011 will be. no interest in saying what it will bring me. no desire to establish any great expectations.

i haven't really determined if this is a good thing or bad thing. i just know it's a real thing. my ability to have expectations or even plan things has been extremely limited for the past year and a half. and it's hard to find the boldness to say "2011 will be a great year," when i know i really have no way of knowing that. 2009 was going to be a "great year," and even started out that way. but of course, things have a way of sometimes changing, and changing pretty quickly.

i wrestle with this on a regular basis -- how to think positively about my world and even shape my reality with those positive thoughts while still recognizing my limits when it comes to writing my actual story. i haven't figured out how to expect great things or even set big goals when i know there are so many things that are outside of my control. that control is largely an illusion.

and while i certainly don't want to kill anyone's joy or goals or anticipation for the new year, i can't help but wish that there was a way for us to hope for things, but not specific things. to look for blessings, but to be open to the different forms they may come in. (even if that means it's in the form of a painful lesson.) and that we would face a new year with less expectation and declaration and more openness to whatever it is that may come.

it's not entirely realistic or possible. plans and ideas for the future make the world go 'round.

but it's not an expectation -- it's just a wish.