legacy

this past saturday was Jarronn's 34th birthday.

while i believe there's a divine order to everything, when the birthdays roll around, it's hard not to wonder what he might have been like at this age. in fact, the wondering about the "what ifs" is probably one of the most debilitating things we can do when we're grieving. it's all very natural. but unfortunately, it also tends to be a ride on a road that leads to nowhere.

Jarronn had a special enthusiasm for life, and he wanted to experience all it had to offer. he loved to travel and he'd even create detailed spreadsheets with an itinerary of activities when we were planning to visit a new place.

after he passed away, i immediately thought of the many places he'd never see. the trips we wouldn't get to take. chicago. the grand canyon. the annual cruise planned by a friend. egypt. brazil. it all seemed so sad. it all seemed to remind me of what i saw as time cut way too short. and with each birthday that came after he passed, it seemed to be a reminder of what wasn't done. and what wouldn't be.

i remember being on a boat tour of the sydney harbor in 2012. the weather was beautiful. the sights were unforgettable. and as i took it all in, i started to cry thinking about how Jarronn never got to see any of it. and there were other moments like that, in different places. for so long, the new experiences that were helping me heal also had the sting of reminding me what Jarronn wouldn't get to do.

but then, eight months later in that same year, and more than three years after he had passed, something interesting happened.

i was on a different boat.

this time in the cayman islands. the weather was beautiful. the sights were unforgettable. and as i took it all in, i had this moment of renewed perspective.

it might sound kind of strange, but i recognized that as i continued to live and travel to new places, Jarronn would be there too. not in the physical. not even as some spooky ghost. but his memory, his love, his legacy goes where i go. i didn't have to feel sadness over him not seeing a beautiful place, because i carry him with me, based on the love and bond we shared.

and in a big way, that was  f r e e i n g.

because it opened up space for me to let in more gratitude and more hope.

cayman islands, august 2012

happy 34th birthday to my late husband, Jarronn Jackson. knowing you the way I did was one of my greatest joys, and carrying on your legacy is one of my greatest honors. (March 1, 2014) 

mah neesh mah

working as a sales representative meant that Jarronn got to meet all kinds of different people. he’d often come home or call me during the day with stories about people he met in a waiting room, the doctors he called on, or the front office staff. on occasion, the story might have even been accompanied by a photo he snapped with his blackberry — like the one below of a 80+ year-old woman wearing rocawear sunglasses. (something he had found hilarious.)


one of the reasons why Jarronn was so great at his job was that he had a gift for connecting with people. for the offices where there was a doctor that seemed less than eager to meet with him, he’d charm the front office staff — memorizing their names. things about their families. or their favorite things to do on weekends. since he died, i’ve found business cards and slips of paper with his notes about someone he met, so he could remember the details later. it wasn’t that he wasn’t genuine in his interest in the lives of people he met. but he was intentional. and he knew how much it would mean to people when he remembered details about them.

in the weeks after he died, i received lots of thoughtful messages, cards, and emails from his co-workers. one of them noted: "Jarronn is such a positive & humorous force; all lives are changed as a result of him. I have never seen a man so sure and excited about his marriage and his wife and his God and his family. You gotta know how much of an impact he made on our customers, his co-workers, I have barely sold a drug since Jarronn left us." i even got a card from one of the doctors offices he called on — something that i felt was a true testament to how much of an impression he made on people.

one of Jarronn’s favorite doctors was dr. jacobs. as i understand things, when Jarronn first started his sales job and calling on dr. jacob’s office, all sales reps were confined to standing in a corner and waiting, if they were lucky. the unlucky ones just couldn’t come in at all. fast forward three years, and Jarronn took me to dr. jacobs’ office where the staff couldn’t have greeted us with a warmer welcome. and dr. jacobs took time out of his packed patient schedule to visit with us. that day, he blessed our future marriage with a hebrew prayer, shook Jarronn’s hand heartily, and gave him an approving and supportive pat on the shoulder. it meant a lot to both of us.

this week, as i was getting ready for work one morning, i was searching through the nightstand next to the bed, looking for something. it’s full of things collected by Jarronn that i’ve yet to sort through, but it often turns up useful items. a tube of chap stick, a book of matches, or a needed document. on this particular day, i found a tiny blue slip of paper — a prescription sheet from dr. jacob’s office.

on the tiny slip were two words, written in a language i couldn’t understand. but i immediately knew what i was looking at. i immediately imagined Jarronn talking to dr. jacobs. asking him to teach him some new terms in hebrew. writing it down so he’d remember it for their next conversation or the one he’d have with the next jewish person he met who spoke hebrew.

and so i immediately went to my computer. opened up google. and searched for the words on the tiny slip of paper in my hand. i searched for meaning. i searched for the knowledge Jarronn had. i searched for connection.

what i found was that “mah neesh mah” was the phonetic spelling of the word “Mahnishmah.” Jarronn had written it in a way that he’d remember the pronunciation. and the meaning of “mahnishmah”?

it means “what’s up?”

and so i smiled. i felt that connection i’d been looking for. and i replied out loud, “not much, boo. what’s up with you?”

PBJ

i made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch. one of Jarronn's staples. i made him two pbj's back in 2005, the night we had our talk. the talk about liking each other as more than just friends. after a year as friends, we joked about how maybe it was something in those sandwiches. or the full moon. or it being the first day of summer.

Jarronn told me he liked those sandwiches, but i think he was just trying to boost my ego. the truth was that we liked our pbj's very different. i like thin layers of peanut butter and jelly. Jarronn liked to pile on both. we both learned to make them in the way the other person liked.

on certain mornings, i would make pbj's for Jarronn to carry in his lunch bag. he appreciated it a lot. i was happy that something so small could make him happy.

i miss having him around to do things for. having someone to make happy. someone to buy gifts for (he LOVED gifts). and someone to cook for. of course i can do all of these things for other people, besides Jarronn. but really. it's not the same. throughout this situation, i don't think there's been a moment when i've felt the absence of love. on the contrary, i feel extremely loved. but i miss giving love. in the way i was once able to.

football

football season is well under way. for most of my life, basketball was my favorite sport. i knew the basic rules of football, which i learned from playing video games with kids i baby-sat and then attending the games of my linebacker boyfriend in high school. but i wouldn't say i was really into the game. when i graduated from college, i found myself living away from my friends and with lots of spare time on weekends -- particularly sundays. this was the impetus for my love affair with football. but maybe God also knew that my appreciation for the game would be a major point of bonding for me and my future husband.

on our first date as friends, Jarronn and i talked about football. he was a die-hard redskins fan, but had an affinity for donovan mcnabb as a player. so he was able to root for the eagles (my team), as long as they weren't playing the skins. and though i didn't have any affinities for the skins, i learned to do the same for him.

in 2006, after we had both moved back down to maryland, Jarronn was so excited to get season tickets to the skins' games. i missed the time with him on sundays, but he absolutely loved tailgating and cheering on his team until his voice was gone.

Jarronn bought me my authentic mcnabb jersey for my birthday in 2005. in 2006, he bought us lower-level seats for the skins-eagles game (his season tix were in the 400 level section). i know there's probably lots of ladies thinking, "what's up with all of the football themed birthday gifts?" but i loved it. i was thrilled that i got to go to my first nfl game with him, and was even more happy when the eagles beat the skins. those photos of me in the "comfort" post were before that game. afterwards, it was me trying to get him to smile.

over the years, i've found myself cheering on the redskins. the eagles are still my #1 team, but because Jarronn loved the skins so much and would be disappointed when they lost -- if for nothing else i cheered them on because i wanted him to be happy.

Jarronn isn't getting the chance to use his season tickets this year. that feels really strange. i went to sunday's game hoping to represent him in some way. Lord knows i can't be nearly as loud or funny or heckle with the skill that he had. but it felt great to be out there. to be in his seat. to see his family and friends at the tailgate. to hi-five the other season ticket holders around us. to pay too much for french fries. to feel the energy, maybe even some of his. to celebrate the win.

i miss Jarronn being here to watch the games on tv with me. to make commentary on the action. he had this crazy way of saying the exact thing the commentators would say, but just 30 seconds sooner. i missed not having him here to discuss how awkward tony dungy looked on his first night of monday night football.

in a sense, football is just a sport. but in so many ways it's been a lot more. football brought me and Jarronn closer together. it was a reason to connect with friends. it consistently entertained us. it served as a way for us to establish traditions. it helped my dad and Jarronn bond. it probably even made my own relationship with my father stronger. so i truly love football. a love affair that led to so much more love in life.