legacy

this past saturday was Jarronn's 34th birthday.

while i believe there's a divine order to everything, when the birthdays roll around, it's hard not to wonder what he might have been like at this age. in fact, the wondering about the "what ifs" is probably one of the most debilitating things we can do when we're grieving. it's all very natural. but unfortunately, it also tends to be a ride on a road that leads to nowhere.

Jarronn had a special enthusiasm for life, and he wanted to experience all it had to offer. he loved to travel and he'd even create detailed spreadsheets with an itinerary of activities when we were planning to visit a new place.

after he passed away, i immediately thought of the many places he'd never see. the trips we wouldn't get to take. chicago. the grand canyon. the annual cruise planned by a friend. egypt. brazil. it all seemed so sad. it all seemed to remind me of what i saw as time cut way too short. and with each birthday that came after he passed, it seemed to be a reminder of what wasn't done. and what wouldn't be.

i remember being on a boat tour of the sydney harbor in 2012. the weather was beautiful. the sights were unforgettable. and as i took it all in, i started to cry thinking about how Jarronn never got to see any of it. and there were other moments like that, in different places. for so long, the new experiences that were helping me heal also had the sting of reminding me what Jarronn wouldn't get to do.

but then, eight months later in that same year, and more than three years after he had passed, something interesting happened.

i was on a different boat.

this time in the cayman islands. the weather was beautiful. the sights were unforgettable. and as i took it all in, i had this moment of renewed perspective.

it might sound kind of strange, but i recognized that as i continued to live and travel to new places, Jarronn would be there too. not in the physical. not even as some spooky ghost. but his memory, his love, his legacy goes where i go. i didn't have to feel sadness over him not seeing a beautiful place, because i carry him with me, based on the love and bond we shared.

and in a big way, that was  f r e e i n g.

because it opened up space for me to let in more gratitude and more hope.

cayman islands, august 2012

happy 34th birthday to my late husband, Jarronn Jackson. knowing you the way I did was one of my greatest joys, and carrying on your legacy is one of my greatest honors. (March 1, 2014) 

back to jamaica

last week i went to jamaica. and this time, my mother(-in-law) came along with me. Jarronn and i had talked about getting her down there for awhile, so i was excited that the time had come for her to visit a place i love and he loved so much. her first trip to the island. and a chance for her to experience things Jarronn did over the course of his three trips there.

when we landed last sunday, the weather was unseasonably cold. 62 degrees and raining. coldest i've ever felt it in jamaica. so the plans we had of being on the beach by 3 p.m. that afternoon evaporated quickly. the next day was overcast and barely 70 degrees. i stayed optimistic that the weather would turn around and prayed that the vacation would be able to live up to the hype. thankfully, the sun came out on day 3, and we made it to the beach.

the trip flowed with lots of good times. spent time in the sun. took a day trip to negril. rode on the catamaran. spent nights out on the town. climbed dunn's river falls. got out of a speeding ticket from the police. ate lots of ackee and saltfish. and beef/chicken/veggie patties. caught up with friends. and got through a 500-page novel.

and my mother(-in-law) had a great time, which she so deserved.

of course it was bittersweet that Jarronn couldn't be there too. in some ways, it's hard to feel the same way i used to about my visits, now that he's gone. i imagine him everywhere. on the boat, snorkeling in the water, sitting on the couch, snapping photos, eating in restaurants, sleeping in his bed, practicing patois, and riding in the car. it meant a lot to me that i was able to introduce him to this place and that he absolutely loved it.

here are some photos from the trip, and for nostalgic purposes, there are a few from the trip Jarronn and i took there in july 2008 at the end.

on the catamaran

i arrived in monetgo bay, jamaica yesterday. i'm hoping to get some sun, sand, and silence. it's hard though, because Jarronn has been with me the last three times i've been here. and we always had such a good time here. one of our favorite things to do has been taking a catamaran tour. we've done it every year we've come.

i went out on the boat this morning. it was really a beautiful day. but it was tough. staring at the water reminded me of how we used to talk about its amazing color. (he took the photo of his foot in front of it so he could remember the color). we were here last year when Jarronn proposed. it's mind-boggling to see how much things can change in a year. i thought about the hobie cat we rode on during our honeymoon in st. lucia. we called it our mini-catamaran, and he considered himself a trained sailor. :-)

i cried on the boat today. but i also jumped off the side and swam with pretty blue and yellow fish. and i drove the boat -- something i wish i could brag about to Jarronn right now.