alright

"everything will be alright" is not the same as "everything will stay the same."
      - seth godin (a blogger i tend to not be able to get enough of)

i wish these two phrases could be guaranteed in the same breath. but, alas, they typically can't. that can be hard to grasp, and it might take some real intention and work on our parts to come to grips with it. because when we get comfortable with a state, we tend to have a hard time imagining how something different could, in fact, also be alright.

what's nice about the first part of the phrase is that it comes with a bit more assuredness. everything really will be alright if we open ourselves to it.

but that "stay the same" concept is pretty tricky and pretty impossible. things change. things keep moving forward around us, whether we like it or not. people change their minds, change their addresses, and even change from earthly beings into something we can't fully understand.

it's different. it's hard.

but again...

everything. will. be. alright.

change is

change is the only constant.

sometimes that's good. sometimes it's just a fact.

sometimes it's sad. especially when something you cared about, that felt familiar and consistent, isn't or can't be anything more than a memory on which you reflect.

wondering how or why it changed. measuring the distance between the past and the current reality.

but my mom is a wise woman, and i'll reflect on one of her phrases:

live the moment fully, love it joyfully, leave it gratefully... 
- jennifer tomlinson moreland

the paradox of grief

to lose means that you once had.

and that, in itself, is something to be cherished.

dreaming more

a couple weeks ago, i wrote about dreaming. since then, it seems like i dream about Jarronn almost every night. wednesday night i dreamt that though we thought Jarronn had died, he had actually just been lost and unable to communicate with us. he finally reconnected and made it home. everyone was excited and relieved. i was ecstatic. so much so that i realized it was just a dream and woke myself up. it's another reminder that i'm still grappling with the reality of my life. i spend a portion of most dreams with Jarronn explaining to him that he died on july 30. he's usually surprised or heartbroken by the news. sometimes i explain how it happened. or tell him how his family is taking it.

i got myself back to sleep on wednesday, and Jarronn was in my second dream. this time, he was mad at me for something and wouldn't talk to me. i was trying to get him to forgive me, but i'm not sure what he thought i'd done wrong. not sure what that's about. didn't feel very rested when i woke up.