application

someone recently posted a comment in response to my post about the paradox of grief. the person asked how i apply the concept, and i started to write a response in the comment section. but then i realized my response was probably long enough for a post of its own. so here it is...

my post:
to lose means that you once had.
and that, in itself, is something to be cherished.

--

original comment:

Anonymous said...

how do you apply that? That's something I find it very hard to do..people say that to me, but I can't seem to do it.   --

my response:
how do i apply it? well, to the person who asked the question -- i'm not sure where you are in your stage of grieving, but i know that i've been constantly reminded that while there aren't tons of people who have experienced the loss i have, there are lots of people who also haven't experienced the kind of love i was blessed to have.

i can choose to focus on what i lost, or i can also choose to focus on what i had.

for some people, the loss of a parent hits them very hard. in those moments, the person grieving can choose to focus on the loss of that person or on the fact that they were incredibly blessed to have a parent who loved them, supported them, and shaped them into the person they are happy to be today. there are so many people who don't experience the kind of relationship they want to have with their parents.

for other people, it might be the loss of a child. the grieving person can choose to focus on the loss of the child or on the fact that they were incredibly blessed to have a child who brought them joy, made an impact on other lives, and made them proud. it's often said that no parent should have to suffer the loss of a child (and I can only imagine how the pain feels). but there are also so many people who want nothing more than to have a child, and for one reason or another, that hasn't been the plan for their life -- whether due to relationship status, health reasons, or other factors.

i say all of this not in an attempt to diminish the very real pain we all feel when we lose someone who is close to us. the same goes for the loss of a relationship, job, home, and other significant item. it hurts. it's tough. it feels unfair. it often has no rhyme or reason.

but when i look at my own situation -- even with my knowledge that what i had seems to have been tragically cut short -- i know that there are people out there who long to experience one month of what i felt. maybe even just one week.

i was blessed to have it for five beautiful years.

and while i still cry, the tears don't only represent the pain. the tears also represent all the good i had. otherwise, there'd be nothing to cry about.

though my loss feels nothing like a blessing, i only feel my loss so deeply because i had something so very wonderful. i'm thankful for what i had. i recognize it's something that many others wish for. i strive to not let it be overshadowed by the loss i feel today.

inspiration

I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'

- Lamentations 3:19-24

the paradox of grief

to lose means that you once had.

and that, in itself, is something to be cherished.

in the audience

earlier this week, i had another dream with Jarronn.

i was standing in front of a group of people, giving some kind of speech or presentation. at times i felt nervous, and i was working hard to get my point across.

later on, i was seated at a round table, talking to a smaller group of people, maybe eight or so. somehow, i started talking about the meaning of life. i'm not sure now, nor was i sure in my dream, about what qualified me to coach on this deep subject. but at the same time, i knew i was passionate about the subject.

i told the people at the table that life is about doing for others. that we have to fight the urge to do just for ourselves. that we should become less selfish. that we should choose the option that helps others and not just ourselves.

once i finished talking, i left the room and sat on the ground. i was feeling like i had talked too much (a feeling some might be surprised to know i often feel in real life). while sitting on the ground, Jarronn walked up and sat down on the ground across from me. i hadn't noticed his presence while i was speaking, but he'd apparently been there.

he told me i did a good job. he referenced a point in my speaking where he knew i was nervous, but that i recovered and got through it nicely. i appreciated the affirmation and encouragement.

i woke up, and i was reminded of a presentation Jarronn gave at work in 2004, not long after we'd met. he was presenting to representatives from one of johnson & johnson's hospital clients. i was sitting in the back of the conference room, taking pictures and notes for a story i'd publish on the company intranet.

seeing him present is what first made me think that he was really someone special. he caught me off guard and really impressed me. we would later joke about him being an "up and comer" within the company. i would later tell him that the presentation is what made me raise an eyebrow. he would later tell me that though he was talking to the clients, he was really presenting to me.

ask most girls what caught their eye about guy, or what's the "one thing that's got her trippin'" (a reference to a song that will forever remind me of Jarronn), and it's not likely to be something like business presentation skills. might be my weird communications professional mind. but then again, maybe more times than not, it is just one small thing about a person that makes them shine in your eyes. that makes you think, "huh." in my case, being with someone who could control a room the way Jarronn did wasn't even something i knew i wanted. but i knew how much i liked it when i saw it.

and i guess his technique worked.

forgiveness

even though the last episode of the oprah show aired a couple weeks ago, my dvr is still filled with an array of episodes from the last two seasons.

some are episodes i've yet to watch, but intend to. others are episodes that i'm saving, either to watch again or with the hope of showing it to someone like my mom or someone else. it wasn't until after Jarronn died that i was able to keep a library that sometimes reached 50+ episodes. i guess that was the down side of having to share a dvr.

now that the show has ended, it's given me time to go through the library. (it seemed like for every episode i watched, two new episodes would record). almost every episode tends to give me some insight, emotion, laugh or new perspective. and one thing i heard in watching an episode today was something i thought worth sharing.

as oprah spoke to two young girls who spent years being abused by their brothers and father, she shared her favorite definition of forgiveness:

"forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past."


that definition hit me deeply. not just because of its insight into what forgiveness is, but also for its connection to moving on in life in general. to living freer. more peacefully. with more contentment. and more in the present.

giving up on the possibility of a better past has been one of the hardest things i've had to do. and i still haven't perfected it. but reading this definition, which captures what i've struggled to do, somehow seems empowering. it's like putting a name to my constant state of striving. it makes me more conscious of it.

and hopefully the consciousness pushes me farther forward, beyond the what ifs and should haves of the past. beyond the idea of a better past and into a better present.

still dreaming

i still have these recurring dreams.

the details differ slightly, but they all have the same overarching theme.

in them, i am going about my life, living without Jarronn, and discover that he is not actually dead. that though i thought he had passed away, he was actually just "away." the circumstances around where he's been for such a long time is never the same. once it was that he was away on business. another time he had been in the hospital. and another time it was that he'd been kidnapped and held hostage in a cave somewhere.

regardless of the details, these tend to be some of my most vivid dreams. they pull me through a range of emotions. first disbelief. then joy. then relief that it's all over. and then concern.

concern, because once i realize Jarronn is back, i start trying to figure out how he fits back into my life. for the first few dreams, it was easy. drop everything and fall right back into step. into the way things were.

but with the most recent dream, i found myself having a harder time knowing how to go back and act like time hadn't passed. like i hadn't been forced to keep moving forward. to keep living my life and find meaning in his absence. 

when i woke up, this most recent dream left me with pretty mixed feelings. like other times, there was the disappointment that it was all a dream. that this is, and has been, my reality. there were also feelings of guilt that i hesitated to return to how things were. and at the same time, there was some satisfaction in knowing that i felt comfortable enough with my new life to not want to rush and abandon it.

as much as it isn't my first choice, i'm finding ways to create a new life for myself.

back to blogging...

is it really the end of may? has it really been more than a month since i posted something? i'm sure i've said this before...time flies.

and there have been lots of happy moments to make the time go even faster.

one that stands out was celebrating my brother(-in-law)'s 24th birthday. in an effort to make it an occasion that would be special, i packed up a picnic lunch for the family, and we headed to allen pond park.

it was a great day. great weather. tasty food. a competitive game of taboo. even pops (my father-in-law), who is known to be a bit resistant to trying new things, had a great time. and thanked me multiple times for putting it all together.

i cherish moments like those, when it's the four of us who have each experienced the pain of Jarronn's death in our own, deep way, and we're able to enjoy one another and laugh. it almost feels like in those moments, we're really smiling in his honor. in those moments, i feel like he's really smiling down. and while those moments make me wish that he was there, they make me thankful that we can find things that make us joyful, in the midst of everything. those moments also make me thankful that Jarronn gifted me with such a wonderful second family.

below are pics from the day. the last one of Theo is definitely a "Jarronn face." :)