my husband, Jordan, said he learned in therapy that our subconscious frequently manifests itself in our dreams. things that we're feeling or attempting to process but don't consciously recognize. things we might even be suppressing. and so it's good to give those feelings and thoughts space. to acknowledge them. to communicate about them. to explore them.
both dreams were about him dying. but in both dreams, the details of his death were altered. the motorcycle accident was still part of the story. but he suffered additional traumatic experiences that weren't part of the actual timeline. both dreams were so real, that i woke up struggling with what was truth, what was reality.
i'd be lying if i told you i knew what either dream meant. and to be honest, in some ways, both dreams incorporated elements from the movies and books i had recently watched/read -- which isn't very deep. but the idea that my subconscious could be processing the four-year anniversary of Jarronn's death kind of caught me off guard. whether i know it or not, my mind still remembers the shock, the disbelief, the hurt, and the loss.
at the same time, perhaps the thing i'm processing most consciously today is the uniqueness of my relationship to Jarronn. as his wife, i feel an immense responsibility to honor his life and preserve his legacy. so many people knew and loved him, but as his wife, i also got to know how he felt about and related to his parents, brother, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, and co-workers. i've often felt a need to relate to all of those people since he's been gone.
and yet, my position as his wife seems to somehow have less permanence and more complications than other roles. i've had to give more thought to the way i honor Jarronn's life, which is something others hardly have to do. because while we've all had to move on with life, my moving on was always understood to potentially mean becoming someone else's wife. no one else thought about becoming someone else's friend or brother or parent or co-worker. i've been confronted with how i will honor Jarronn even as life takes me different places. how i'll communicate his importance to me, even as i celebrate and honor my amazing second marriage. how i'll help people understand that what was doesn't get washed away by what is. and that even the greatest new love doesn't make you forget what was lost -- and perhaps my dreams prove that best.