Tuesday, July 30, 2013

four years later

my husband, Jordan, said he learned in therapy that our subconscious frequently manifests itself in our dreams. things that we're feeling or attempting to process but don't consciously recognize. things we might even be suppressing. and so it's good to give those feelings and thoughts space. to acknowledge them. to communicate about them. to explore them.

this week, Jarronn was in my dream. twice.

both dreams were about him dying. but in both dreams, the details of his death were altered. the motorcycle accident was still part of the story. but he suffered additional traumatic experiences that weren't part of the actual timeline. both dreams were so real, that i woke up struggling with what was truth, what was reality. 

i'd be lying if i told you i knew what either dream meant. and to be honest, in some ways, both dreams incorporated elements from the movies and books i had recently watched/read -- which isn't very deep. but the idea that my subconscious could be processing the four-year anniversary of Jarronn's death kind of caught me off guard. whether i know it or not, my mind still remembers the shock, the disbelief, the hurt, and the loss. 

at the same time, perhaps the thing i'm processing most consciously today is the uniqueness of my relationship to Jarronn. as his wife, i feel an immense responsibility to honor his life and preserve his legacy. so many people knew and loved him, but as his wife, i also got to know how he felt about and related to his parents, brother, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, and co-workers. i've often felt a need to relate to all of those people since he's been gone. 

and yet, my position as his wife seems to somehow have less permanence and more complications than other roles. i've had to give more thought to the way i honor Jarronn's life, which is something others hardly have to do. because while we've all had to move on with life, my moving on was always understood to potentially mean becoming someone else's wife. no one else thought about becoming someone else's friend or brother or parent or co-worker. i've been confronted with how i will honor Jarronn even as life takes me different places. how i'll communicate his importance to me, even as i celebrate and honor my amazing second marriage. how i'll help people understand that what was doesn't get washed away by what is. and that even the greatest new love doesn't make you forget what was lost -- and perhaps my dreams prove that best. 


  1. I recall the last conversation I had with Jarronn and how he said he knew that you were the one. Since then, the world has watched how classy and graceful you've been under fire, proving how right he was. I know that where ever he is, Jarronn is smiling down on you and proud of how far you've come. I love ya, Jess!

  2. Thanks so much for sharing. I have followed Jordan's journey and his insight and maturity has been profound. Looking forward to reading your wise words as you two journey together.

  3. Jessica - I agree that a lot of subconscious thought manifest itself in our dreams and I also feel in my limited knowledge that dreams are one's spiritual monitor and God's way of speaking to us. I have learned from my church that when one has a dream regardless of whether the outcome is favorable or not, that we should always pray about it. If it is a dream you like pray and ask God for confirmation or to manifest it in the physical realm. If it's a dream you don't like tell God to cancel it and to explain to you the secrets of your life/the dream.

    Don't know what you're dream is about but do pray against the spirit of untimely death for you and Jordan. Lastly, i don't believe/know that what once was will get washed away by what is; You honor Jarron well with this blog, your undying love and strength. Jarron will always live in your memories and that will last a lifetime.

    God bless and dream dreams of peace and love.

  4. As I read ur blog it was hard to comment..naturally Jarronn was in my thoughts & my heart yesterday as well...Thank u for still honoring his memory..he is w/ Our Lord & Savior & watching down & smiling on us. I know his Mom,Dad & Theo will always love u & look to u as their special daughter..as we will also look to u as our special niece. I/we know that the Lord is w/ u & will guide ur every footstep. May the Lord bless u & keep u & make His Face to shine down upon u & give u His perfect peace/sholom.

  5. Nice - I noticed that Jarronn and my Mom was born on the Same Day.
    Life is o can be pretty Cruel Sometimes. He will always be Missed. And I know It's hard for you.



  6. Oddly, I recently walked past a corner downtown where I last remember running into Jarronn (I always remember running into him in the most random places...downtown during lunch, at the barbershop, etc.) and I thought about how you've helped so many people realize what he meant (and means) to the people in his life. I'm so happy for you and your new husband and wish you both God's best in this next chapter of your lives. Moving on never means denial of your truth, and you've carried that truth with amazing grace and endurance.

    I think Jarronn would be smiling big, live on Jess...Cheers.