Proverbs 16:9

In their hearts humans plan their course,
   but the LORD establishes their steps.

- Proverbs 16:9

you

i've mentioned before how i received hundreds of messages of support from different people after Jarronn died. some by text message. some by email. some by facebook. some by way of cards and packages.

some from family. some from friends. some from acquaintances. some from people who knew Jarronn. some from people who hardly knew me or Jarronn.

all of it has been amazing.

some shared sympathies. some shared personal tragedies. some shared personal triumphs. some shared treasured memories. some shared words of support. some shared their thoughts about this blog. some shared what they got from this blog.

i'm so thankful for all of those messages. i haven't always gotten to respond to all of them (and this was especially true in the first six months after Jarronn died), but i do read every message. and i take something from every message -- whether its a smile, a memory, a tear or encouragement. and many times when i don't respond, it's because i was so touched that i wanted to craft the perfect response but never got around to it (the downfall of sometimes being a perfectionist). nevertheless, i'm always most struck by how so many people are kind enough to take time out of their busy schedules and lives to reach out to me and offer support, even if that just means saying hi, praying for me, or letting me know they've taken something from my "story."

the same can be said for those of you who comment on and follow this blog (whether publicly or privately). who take time to keep up with my up and down feelings and sporadic postings. who often smile when i smile and cry when i cry.

i greatly appreciate all of you.

and as i've said in many of my responses to those hundreds and hundreds of messages, i truly believe that all of the thoughts and prayers and well wishes have made a difference. that they've held me up in a way i can't even really understand. and that you all operate in an orchestrated way, with just the right timing, in a way that you can't even really understand.

it's beautiful. it's a blessing.

thank you.

expectation

happy new year, everyone.

like many of you, i'm hoping that 2011 is a year that brings new opportunities, achievements, blessings, and fulfillments.

and perhaps unlike many of you, i have no interest in declaring or claiming what 2011 will be. no interest in saying what it will bring me. no desire to establish any great expectations.

i haven't really determined if this is a good thing or bad thing. i just know it's a real thing. my ability to have expectations or even plan things has been extremely limited for the past year and a half. and it's hard to find the boldness to say "2011 will be a great year," when i know i really have no way of knowing that. 2009 was going to be a "great year," and even started out that way. but of course, things have a way of sometimes changing, and changing pretty quickly.

i wrestle with this on a regular basis -- how to think positively about my world and even shape my reality with those positive thoughts while still recognizing my limits when it comes to writing my actual story. i haven't figured out how to expect great things or even set big goals when i know there are so many things that are outside of my control. that control is largely an illusion.

and while i certainly don't want to kill anyone's joy or goals or anticipation for the new year, i can't help but wish that there was a way for us to hope for things, but not specific things. to look for blessings, but to be open to the different forms they may come in. (even if that means it's in the form of a painful lesson.) and that we would face a new year with less expectation and declaration and more openness to whatever it is that may come.

it's not entirely realistic or possible. plans and ideas for the future make the world go 'round.

but it's not an expectation -- it's just a wish.