wow. january really flew by. this was largely due to a pretty demanding work schedule. one that required lots of writing and left me with little time or mental capacity to write here as well.
i’ve missed writing here.
i spoke to a widower a couple months ago, not long after his wife had died. we talked about his experience. my experience. Even how our spouses' names were similar. and i tried to give him one of the things that those of us who have experienced the untimely death of a spouse can share: a reassurance that he wasn’t the only person on earth experiencing tragedy on this level. there were more of us experiencing the ups and downs, the well-intentioned suffocating families, the lost identity, the physical pain, the words that fell short of bringing comfort.
he asked me if i found my writing on this blog to be helpful. i told him that in some respects, the writing does little for how i feel, because the things i write here only capture a fraction of my emotions and experiences. typically, for every entry i post, i think of two more topics that i may never write about.
but what i did realize and tell him was that writing helps me process a feeling. putting the feeling into words helps me more closely examine how i feel and what i’m going through. it doesn't make the feeling go away, but it helps me more effectively go through it. live through it. survive it. and once it’s out there, articulated in words, i can release it from my muddled brain.
so when i don’t write here, i miss it. i miss the release of it. i miss the going through. i miss confronting my grief and the reassurance that i’m feeling and living.
i’m hoping february brings more opportunities for me to be here.