evolution

it’s been a very long time since i’ve posted, and i have a lot to share and reflect on. i still have questions i want to answer too.

one of the questions i received from my formspring was related to limited blogging:

Your posts are less frequent than in years past – why is that? Is your blogging evolving like you are?

when i first started this blog, it was mainly for the purpose of keeping people updated. in the days and weeks after Jarronn died, i was bombarded with phone calls, text messages, house visits, and emails from people wanting to know if i was ok. the support was overwhelming in good and bad ways. through others’ show of concern, i got a clear picture of God’s love and care for me, even as i suffered greatly. at the same time, the increased attention served as a reminder of all i was going through. there’d be no reason for so many calls, and texts, and visits, and messages if Jarronn was still alive and my life had not been shattered. (weird how it works that way.)

so i figured the blog would be helpful for those times when i didn’t have the energy or time to answer the phone or respond to a message. if someone wanted to know how i was doing, they could always come here and find out.

it’s always been my desire to keep this blog updated regularly. it quickly became more than just a way to keep people informed about my status. it became therapeutic, because of its ability to help me process a million swirling thoughts. it also helped me record things and feelings that i would have likely forgotten by now.

looking back, i can see how my frequent posts in 2009 and 2010 were absolutely based on necessity. i needed an outlet. and though i had lots going on (work, grad school, etc), my need to post made doing so a higher priority on my daily list of to-do’s.

over time, my need for this blog to be my outlet has decreased, and with it, so has the frequency of the posts. i often miss posting. i often feel disappointed that i missed opportunities to document certain parts of my process. i often beat myself up for letting the blog sit dormant for so long. but i suppose, it’s all for good reason.

my grief (for some time now) no longer overwhelms me to the point where blogging is my top priority. my relationships, my business, and planning my next adventure have taken its place. my hope is that even as my need to update people and heal myself through writing has changed that i’ll continue to record the journey of “jessica living” here.

so yes. as i have evolved, so has this blog.