since Jarronn died, i've given a lot of thought to this notion of being chosen. or more so, i've questioned how God decides who to choose for certain things. what determines whether or not someone lives a long life? whether they have a disability? whether they are able to have children? whether they fulfill a dream?
why will so many people around me live lives that are "normal," and mine will forever be marked by this extremely tragic event? why do some people get most of the things they want, while others spend their whole lives only wishing to do so?
before Jarronn died, i often wondered why i'd been chosen for so much. chosen to have loving, supportive parents. chosen to have a great education. chosen to have friends who never betrayed me. chosen to never lack materially. chosen to have never experienced heartbreak. chosen to have a face some people find pretty. chosen to have found the love of my life.
really, how does God decide? before Jarronn died, the only explanation i had for why i'd been chosen for so much was that i obviously wasn't strong enough to handle the pain of deferred dreams that i'd seen so many people around me endure. but clearly, i was wrong about that.
i get upset that i wasn't chosen to spend the rest of my life with Jarronn. to build a life and family with him. to see him grow into the man he wanted to be. to see us overcome the challenges of marriage. to see us impact the lives of people around us. together.
but then i remind myself that it could have been different altogether. i could have not been chosen to meet Jarronn at all. to experience love i didn't believe existed. to spend hours laughing harder than i knew i could. to feel the contentment and self-assuredness that comes with being in a relationship like the one i had with him.
i may not be chosen for so many of the other things i've wanted out of life, but i'm not sure there's really room to complain about that. really.
p.s. thanks for all of the well-wishes surrounding the end of my semester. i was feeling the pressure, but things turned out well. love.
You inspire me, Jess!
ReplyDeleteJess, you are such a strong person. Keep praying, keep laughing, keep crying, keep hoping. This time shall pass.
ReplyDeleteJess,
ReplyDeleteI was a friend of Jarronn's and I have been following your blog because it helps cope hearing that you are pressing forward as hard as it may be. There is a book that we studied in Bible study that's a phenomenal read (at least I thought so). It may help you to "understand" a little better. The book is about a father who lost his baby girl and wanted answers. It takes a little while to develop (maybe chapter 6 or so), but can be life changing. I hope that you can find the time to read it. I would like to call you but I dont want to impose at all. Have a very Blessed holiday. Love.
Hi Jessica,
ReplyDeleteI'm not even sure I how came across your blog, but it has been an inspiration to me. I know you probably don't feel very courageous, but your courage has strengthened me during some trying times I've faced. Our experiences are not exactly the same, but I feel your pain as life has thrown me a pretty severe curve ball as well. Your blog gave me the courage to share my personal story and if you're interested here is the link. www.writingbymelissa.blogspot.com
Know that I am praying for you and sending good thoughts your way!
Peace~
Melissa