heart break

lucky in love. that's how most people would label me. and i can't really argue with that. i've been blessed to know amazing people and to be in relationships with amazing men. men who have treated me with respect, loved me despite my flaws, and never wanted to hurt me.

and i tried my best to be all of those things to them as well. but i wasn't always successful. in fact, i know i was even the cause of some heart ache. heart break. hurt.

it's not something i say with pride. it's not something i say to imply that i somehow had the upper hand. there's no good feeling in knowing you hurt someone you love.

there were many times i wished i could have been the one to bear the heart break. it's not that i didn't have my own share of pain in those situations. but i knew that i ultimately was the cause of the hurt. the cause of the disappointment. the cause of things not going back to how they used to be. or how they wanted.

while i always had the best intentions, i always feared, somewhere deep down, that the pain would come back around to get me. that it was only a matter of time. that the luck was sure to run out. that i'd be the one who'd end up on the other side. wanting more. unable to have it. heart broken.

and that's where i've found myself. now i know heart break. and heart break knows me. only it didn't happen the way i thought it would. or thought it could. it wasn't caused by a man. instead, it's heart break caused by God. and i'm not sure if that's better, worse, or no difference at all. but i imagine there are a lot of similarities. feeling betrayed. feeling like a fool. searching for reasoning. waiting for a call (or in my case, an answered prayer). feeling abandoned. and trying to figure out where you went wrong. what you did wrong. and what could possibly make things better.

h.e.a.r.t. broken.

i hope God is as sorry as i've been.