today is three years since Jarronn passed away. in many ways, the time has flown. i’ve been a lot of places. accomplished a lot of goals. built relationships with some amazing people. in other ways, it’s gone by so slowly. as though i’ve been waiting for time to pass, checking the clock every so often to see how long i’ve maintained.
milestones like these confuse me. on one hand, having a hard, round number to reference seems like it should mean something. that three years after something, i should be far away enough for it to hurt a little less. far away enough for me to have fully embraced my new normal. far away enough for people to not feel so uncomfortable when it comes up in conversation. far away enough to have perhaps even uncovered some life lessons.
and for the most part, all of that is true.
on the other hand, the number seems meaningless. there are still moments of intense missing, of hard sobs, of deep questioning. i can say that those moments have gotten further and further apart. but i’m often caught off guard by how much still prompts me to think of Jarronn in the course of any given day. not just on anniversary dates.
and yet, today is hard. in fact, the days leading up to today have been hard. i have a lot to do, and i'm not sure how it will get done, because there's a pain shifting between my head, neck, and shoulders, mainly due to tension caused by holding back tears and a concerted effort to space out my sniffles, so people around me won’t suspect anything.
in general, i’m at a loss for what to say, though i thought it important to say something today.
in general, i want people to know that while today is hard, i still have hope. to be honest, i’m a little surprised by how much hope i still need, even after three years.
You're Amazing!
ReplyDeleteLove you. And still praying
ReplyDeleteBless you my Sister:) Your Mom shared a beautiful photo of Jarronn's sunset and it was breathtaking! You will always need hope. That is what sustains us as children of the Most High God. It is thru hope, faith and His grace that we continue each day. I continue to lift you and family up in protective healing prayer Jess and I also continue to live a life that beautiful people like Jarronn can be proud of, thus sustaining his legacy. He is beaming over you and us all and will never stop doing so! Love you Sis, keep shining your light even thru the tears n deep questioning- God hears you:)
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing. More than you know. I can not even attempt to understand how you are hurting because I have not walked in your shoes so I will not attempt to say I can sympathize or even empathize because no one can until you have been there. My heart has been broken in other ways. So badly that I thought I wouldn't recover but somehow I remembered to breathe. That's all I could manage at the time but at the time it was enough. You will be fine my sweet friend. I know this because God never gives you more than you can handle. Thinking of you. I'm here if you need to talk. Cheryl
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine what it feels like for you. But I know that I am still quite often surprised by how much I miss him. I think of him often, and the interactions that he had with me and others.
ReplyDeleteJarronn was just a good quality person--solid, to the core...so I guess I shouldn't be surprised that 3 years later, we still miss him immensely. Life was different when he was here. And I thank God for J-ron and the lasting impact that he had on many, many lives in his time here.
Praying...missing... #rmbrngJ-Ron
Someone just sent me a link to your blog, and I'm so glad they did. I'm 24 and was married a few days short of 10 months. My husband passed away unexpectedly a little more than two months ago. I truly appreciate your vulnerability because it helps me to realize that there are other people who have felt this type of loss. A lot of people seem to say, "I understand what you're going through, I lost (whoever)." But it is truly a different feeling when you lose a spouse, especially at a young age. Thank you, so very much.
ReplyDelete