three years

today is three years since Jarronn passed away. in many ways, the time has flown. i’ve been a lot of places. accomplished a lot of goals. built relationships with some amazing people. in other ways, it’s gone by so slowly. as though i’ve been waiting for time to pass, checking the clock every so often to see how long i’ve maintained.

milestones like these confuse me. on one hand, having a hard, round number to reference seems like it should mean something. that three years after something, i should be far away enough for it to hurt a little less. far away enough for me to have fully embraced my new normal. far away enough for people to not feel so uncomfortable when it comes up in conversation. far away enough to have perhaps even uncovered some life lessons.

and for the most part, all of that is true.

on the other hand, the number seems meaningless. there are still moments of intense missing, of hard sobs, of deep questioning. i can say that those moments have gotten further and further apart. but i’m often caught off guard by how much still prompts me to think of Jarronn in the course of any given day. not just on anniversary dates.

and yet, today is hard. in fact, the days leading up to today have been hard. i have a lot to do, and i'm not sure how it will get done, because there's a pain shifting between my head, neck, and shoulders, mainly due to tension caused by holding back tears and a concerted effort to space out my sniffles, so people around me won’t suspect anything.

in general, i’m at a loss for what to say, though i thought it important to say something today.

in general, i want people to know that while today is hard, i still have hope. to be honest, i’m a little surprised by how much hope i still need, even after three years.

change is

change is the only constant.

sometimes that's good. sometimes it's just a fact.

sometimes it's sad. especially when something you cared about, that felt familiar and consistent, isn't or can't be anything more than a memory on which you reflect.

wondering how or why it changed. measuring the distance between the past and the current reality.

but my mom is a wise woman, and i'll reflect on one of her phrases:

live the moment fully, love it joyfully, leave it gratefully... 
- jennifer tomlinson moreland

missing him

the past few days have had their ups and downs. i went to nyc on friday for work. it was good to have another change of surroundings, but being in the city also reminded me of all of the different things Jarronn and i had done there. the 2005 car show at jacob javitts center. seeing his cousin afi perform at b.b. king's. joe and alicia's baby shower. his cousin marisa's sock party. the lion king and the color purple on broadway. the "slavery in new york" exhibit at the ny historical society. i've certainly been grieving over the past few weeks, but friday's trip really made me miss Jarronn.

i was in new jersey on friday and saturday and felt more of the same feelings. we ate at the restaurant where he had his farewell party before moving to maryland. we drove past the hyatt where we used to go shoot pool. i realized that there's few things i can look at that i don't associate with Jarronn. we shared a lot over the past five years. we were best friends that enjoyed life.

it's been hard to write the past few days. in addition to trying to keep up at work, i've been feeling more than i've been able to translate into words. the mix of emotions have left me feeling tired and a bit overwhelmed. missing him so much...