a good place

yesterday, as i spoke to my mom on the phone, we took some time to go over our plans for the next few months. we tend to do this a lot, going over when she'll be in jamaica. when we've got family get-togethers to attend. when we're traveling together. when people are coming to visit.

my mom mentioned that the holiday season would be here soon. and unlike a lot of families that look to long-standing traditions to dictate how their holiday plans take shape, our plans are discussed and decided--and typically different--every year.

the process of making our holiday plans hasn't been my favorite thing in the past few years. in approaching the holidays after Jarronn passed, i couldn't commit myself to traveling anywhere, knowing it required more energy than i had. and i certainly couldn't see myself being the kind of dinner guest that people looked forward to hosting, or that i wanted to be.

so my family was very accommodating. and in most cases, they came to me. my mom would leave me alone when my responses to her inquiries about what i wanted to do usually included "nothing" or "sit on a couch somewhere." she tempered her excitement around the holidays. she adjusted as i adjusted to the world around me.

yesterday, as my mom listed our options for thanksgiving, she noted that some might be too much of a strain, given the distance i'd have to travel and schedule adjustments i'd need to make. but i quickly acknowledged that all of our plans for the last three years have been determined by what i felt like doing. i told her i was happy to go along with whatever she wanted to do.

her response...

"you're in a good place, huh"

i repeated it, "i'm in a good place?" asking her to clarify if that was a question or a statement.

i expected the former. she clarified it as a statement.

we went on to talk about what being in a good place meant, and how being in this so-called good place had opened me up to all kinds of goodness.

i've typically pushed back on anyone making an assessment on my well-being since Jarronn died, cautious that people often say someone is "better" out of their own desire to see that person better, and not necessarily based on the actual circumstances. certainly not based on what goes on behind closed doors and what that person might be going through moment to moment. in all of my efforts to communicate my well-being and many blessings since my loss, i've tried not to diminish the very real struggles of the grieving process.

but my mom knows me like no other, and i fully accepted her evaluation. i think i'd even be ok accepting it from others too. a good place certainly doesn't mean "over it." i'm not sure i could even really describe what it means if asked to. but i know "a good place" sounds accurate. and feels right.

a quick assertion. a short conversation. but a much appreciated moment. it's kind of like walking down a long road with your head down, and finally looking up, looking back, and seeing just how far you've traveled.

kind of surprising, maybe a little perplexing. but really satisfying. really good.