b.J.d.

you know this whole notion of how society measures and labels time? b.c. and a.d.? before christ and anno domini (in the year of our lord).

my life now comes with a similar structure. before july 30, 2009 and after. pre-Jarronn's death and post.

looking at calendars has taken on a whole new dimension. and everything else that's dated, for that matter. emails in my inbox. receipts on my desk. canned food items in my cupboard. headings on a page of notes.

if the date on something is after july 30, i can usually look at it and move on. unless it happens to be in the july 31 - august 30 timeframe, when everything felt so fresh. so surreal. so overwhelming. dates in that timeframe make me remember my struggle to make sense of everything. to figure out who i was. to take care of so many details. (kind of still sounds like my reality today, but somehow it's different.)

if the date on something is before july 30, it usually causes me to pause. to remember how different life was then. how i thought of life so differently then. how i was a different person then. if the date is in the month of july 2009, my thoughts tend to turn to reflections on how quickly life can change. and to memories of my last everything with Jarronn. our last trip. our last movie. our last dinner. our last phone call. our last disagreement. our last kiss before he walked out the door to go for a ride with his friends.

these dates define my experience. my understanding. my realities. (at least for now). they cause me to stare into space. as if staring long enough would take me right back to those days before july 30, 2009. days that i miss. those days were filled with lots of expectations and dreams. and yet, i know that those days were also filled with false securities.

and sadly, those days weren't meant to last. except in the form of receipts. and cards. movie stubs. photos. emails. memories.

july 22, 2004
june 21, 2005
may 4, 2007
july 6, 2008
may 15, 2009

b.J.d.

before. Jarronn. died.