Wednesday, June 9, 2010

the recurring dream

i've always tended to have dreams that were on the crazy side. or at least on the long side. Jarronn would always comment on how the recaps of my dreams seemed to go on and on, full with "and then"s. my dreams hardly tend to convey one comprehensible storyline. instead, they jump around from place to place. people morph into other people. and they often relate to something that i heard or experienced in the day before.

for years, i've had a recurring dream that takes on slightly different details each time but always has the same central theme. i'm enrolled in a course for school, and somehow i've gone the entire semester without attending any classes. and i realize this on the day of a huge exam that's worth half my grade. 

and so i panic.

and i'm so relieved when i wake up.

a bit strange, i know, but i have in fact spoken to at least five other people who have a similar recurring dream. what it means? i couldn't begin to tell you.

in the past 10 months, i've developed a new recurring dream. and like the other one, there are always slightly different details, but always the same central theme. Jarronn is back. he never was dead. just away. somewhere. but never dead. and i am happy. and think about how to share the news with everyone. and i am ready to pick up where we left off. to do all those things i'd hoped to do. to go back to being a wife. to get on with my life. and while it all doesn't make logical sense, it feels simple. 

and so i embrace it.

and i'm so disappointed when i wake up.


  1. I'm with you. Usually we experience relief when we awaken from bad dreams. How disappointing to wake up from a euphoric dream that answers our sincerest of prayers and realize that it wasn't real. (teardrop)

  2. When my mother first pasted in 2004, I had dreams like that a lot. The main 2 that got me was the dream of my Wedding and the dream of me having a little girl. It's always the wedding first and then it changes to me in the kitchen cooking with my family all around and my mom telling me I better not burn her chicken while she is playing with my little girl at the table. I feel so at peace there then to come back to the real world, it makes me fell the sadness all over again. But then I remember she was there for her first grandson birth with me and I will always be thankful for that. The dreams you have about your husband is not unusual I think they are angels checking up on us. I know it might sound crazy but every once in a while when my son falls a sleep in my room I hear him talking to himself a full blown conversation and it's with my mom..When she first past it happen all the time but it made her passing better for him because he will tell you she never left him...So you never know but hey this is just my opinion. Even though it was my mother and not my husband I can tell you this take it one day at a time and never let anyone tell you how you should grieve. Everyone is different and as time goes by the hurts lessen as well.

  3. I truly do admire your strength to write so openly and honestly. Even reading this no one can possibly know the extent of what you have gone through or going through. The key though is that you are continuing to move forward; while others might have given up.


  4. I know that is tough to deal with over and over. I've had quite a few dreams since Jarronn's passing but there was one that was just sooo real. I mean I really thought I was in an alternate universe when I woke up it was so real. He was looking to buy the house that was on the market right next door to me and I was so excited to see him again and he was acting like, "D.Mitch what's wrong with you? Why are you trippin?" As is nothing ever happened. I was so glad to find out I was acting crazy and that he hadn't really passed that I didn't even wonder about what the hell was wrong with me. When I woke up there was a very empty and sad feeling knowing I had such a happy dream and now it was over.