in the audience

earlier this week, i had another dream with Jarronn.

i was standing in front of a group of people, giving some kind of speech or presentation. at times i felt nervous, and i was working hard to get my point across.

later on, i was seated at a round table, talking to a smaller group of people, maybe eight or so. somehow, i started talking about the meaning of life. i'm not sure now, nor was i sure in my dream, about what qualified me to coach on this deep subject. but at the same time, i knew i was passionate about the subject.

i told the people at the table that life is about doing for others. that we have to fight the urge to do just for ourselves. that we should become less selfish. that we should choose the option that helps others and not just ourselves.

once i finished talking, i left the room and sat on the ground. i was feeling like i had talked too much (a feeling some might be surprised to know i often feel in real life). while sitting on the ground, Jarronn walked up and sat down on the ground across from me. i hadn't noticed his presence while i was speaking, but he'd apparently been there.

he told me i did a good job. he referenced a point in my speaking where he knew i was nervous, but that i recovered and got through it nicely. i appreciated the affirmation and encouragement.

i woke up, and i was reminded of a presentation Jarronn gave at work in 2004, not long after we'd met. he was presenting to representatives from one of johnson & johnson's hospital clients. i was sitting in the back of the conference room, taking pictures and notes for a story i'd publish on the company intranet.

seeing him present is what first made me think that he was really someone special. he caught me off guard and really impressed me. we would later joke about him being an "up and comer" within the company. i would later tell him that the presentation is what made me raise an eyebrow. he would later tell me that though he was talking to the clients, he was really presenting to me.

ask most girls what caught their eye about guy, or what's the "one thing that's got her trippin'" (a reference to a song that will forever remind me of Jarronn), and it's not likely to be something like business presentation skills. might be my weird communications professional mind. but then again, maybe more times than not, it is just one small thing about a person that makes them shine in your eyes. that makes you think, "huh." in my case, being with someone who could control a room the way Jarronn did wasn't even something i knew i wanted. but i knew how much i liked it when i saw it.

and i guess his technique worked.

still dreaming

i still have these recurring dreams.

the details differ slightly, but they all have the same overarching theme.

in them, i am going about my life, living without Jarronn, and discover that he is not actually dead. that though i thought he had passed away, he was actually just "away." the circumstances around where he's been for such a long time is never the same. once it was that he was away on business. another time he had been in the hospital. and another time it was that he'd been kidnapped and held hostage in a cave somewhere.

regardless of the details, these tend to be some of my most vivid dreams. they pull me through a range of emotions. first disbelief. then joy. then relief that it's all over. and then concern.

concern, because once i realize Jarronn is back, i start trying to figure out how he fits back into my life. for the first few dreams, it was easy. drop everything and fall right back into step. into the way things were.

but with the most recent dream, i found myself having a harder time knowing how to go back and act like time hadn't passed. like i hadn't been forced to keep moving forward. to keep living my life and find meaning in his absence. 

when i woke up, this most recent dream left me with pretty mixed feelings. like other times, there was the disappointment that it was all a dream. that this is, and has been, my reality. there were also feelings of guilt that i hesitated to return to how things were. and at the same time, there was some satisfaction in knowing that i felt comfortable enough with my new life to not want to rush and abandon it.

as much as it isn't my first choice, i'm finding ways to create a new life for myself.

sudden loss

in my most recent dream about Jarronn, it seemed as though i was straddling time. in one sense, it was as though i had gone a year without seeing him, similar to how things really are. and he was returning from some kind of business trip that had him away for a long period of time. yet, at the same time, it was as though the setting of the dream was one week before he had died. so it was as though we were outside of normal space and time.

in the dream, i remember us talking on the phone, just after he returned. we were making plans to see each other, and i could hear the familiar tone in his voice as he talked to me. that tone that said, "i'm so happy and proud we're together. that i can call you mine."

when i saw him, we caught up. talked and laughed and shared.

and then i got serious. i told him that he may have a hard time believing me, but that in one week, he was going to get in a motorcycle accident. he listened as i told him the details. how it would happen. how he would die. and how i would wish i could have looked into his eyes after the accident and before he passed away.

he seemed to acknowledge everything i said as true. i told him that if he thought i adored him before, that he would really be showered with love now that he was back and given everything that was about to/had happened.

i woke up from the dream and was surprised by how i felt. as i've described on this blog, when i dream about Jarronn, i usually wake up disappointed to realize it was a dream and not reality. and that i'm still struggling to wrap my mind around him really being gone.

but waking up from this dream was different. instead of disappointment, i felt relief. and even a sense of peace.

and as i reflected on the dream, i thought about this: death is never easy. and a loss is a loss, whether the person who passes is eight years old or 80. none of us want to see a loved one deteriorate or suffer with pain, and i'm at times thankful that Jarronn died at such a good place in his life, without any major life pains. but i recognize that there is a significant difference between losing someone after they've struggled against a terminal illness and losing someone suddenly.

i don't think you can ever fully prepare yourself for the death of a loved one. but when there's some kind of notice, you can say your goodbyes. your final i love yous. you can discuss life beyond their death. and how they want to be memorialized. you can hear them say they want you to be happy. or let them know you'll carry on their legacy. you may even feel relief when you know they no longer have to suffer. and you can look into their eyes one last time.

i think my dream gave me some peace, because in it, i was prepared. i could see the death coming, and so i got my chance to say what i wanted to say. i felt like i had my moment. like there was some sense of closure. like i didn't have to rely on my heart to tell me that Jarronn knew everything i felt, because he was there talking with me and acknowledging it all. like he was prepared too.

these are all things i've missed.

so it was a good dream. and more importantly, while i could have stayed and dreamed for longer, it was a good dream to wake up from.

the recurring dream

i've always tended to have dreams that were on the crazy side. or at least on the long side. Jarronn would always comment on how the recaps of my dreams seemed to go on and on, full with "and then"s. my dreams hardly tend to convey one comprehensible storyline. instead, they jump around from place to place. people morph into other people. and they often relate to something that i heard or experienced in the day before.

for years, i've had a recurring dream that takes on slightly different details each time but always has the same central theme. i'm enrolled in a course for school, and somehow i've gone the entire semester without attending any classes. and i realize this on the day of a huge exam that's worth half my grade. 

and so i panic.

and i'm so relieved when i wake up.

a bit strange, i know, but i have in fact spoken to at least five other people who have a similar recurring dream. what it means? i couldn't begin to tell you.

in the past 10 months, i've developed a new recurring dream. and like the other one, there are always slightly different details, but always the same central theme. Jarronn is back. he never was dead. just away. somewhere. but never dead. and i am happy. and think about how to share the news with everyone. and i am ready to pick up where we left off. to do all those things i'd hoped to do. to go back to being a wife. to get on with my life. and while it all doesn't make logical sense, it feels simple. 

and so i embrace it.

and i'm so disappointed when i wake up.

familiar feeling

last week of school. definitely feeling the pressure. and that means less time for writing on the blog. trying to focus at work. list is made. headphones are in.

here's what i'm listening to. song by john mayer. a new favorite artist (i know i'm behind the curve on this one). have a listen...

dreaming with a broken heart - john mayer

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
then waking up is the hardest part
you roll outta bed and down on your knees
and for a moment you can hardly breathe
wondering was she really here?
is she standing in my room?
no she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the giving up is the hardest part
she takes you in with her crying eyes
then all at once you have to say goodbye
wondering could you stay my love?
will you wake up by my side?
no she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my , roses in my hands?

would you get them if i did?
no you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the waking up is the hardest part

dreaming more

a couple weeks ago, i wrote about dreaming. since then, it seems like i dream about Jarronn almost every night. wednesday night i dreamt that though we thought Jarronn had died, he had actually just been lost and unable to communicate with us. he finally reconnected and made it home. everyone was excited and relieved. i was ecstatic. so much so that i realized it was just a dream and woke myself up. it's another reminder that i'm still grappling with the reality of my life. i spend a portion of most dreams with Jarronn explaining to him that he died on july 30. he's usually surprised or heartbroken by the news. sometimes i explain how it happened. or tell him how his family is taking it.

i got myself back to sleep on wednesday, and Jarronn was in my second dream. this time, he was mad at me for something and wouldn't talk to me. i was trying to get him to forgive me, but i'm not sure what he thought i'd done wrong. not sure what that's about. didn't feel very rested when i woke up.