running

late last year, i made a conscious decision to start working out more regularly. exercising was something i did consistently before Jarronn died, and i knew that 2+ years was way too long to have gone without physical activity. my body was showing me signs as well -- all those pounds lost during days when i couldn't eat back in 2009 had slowly made their way back to my love handles and other undesirable places. a good sign of a recovered appetite, yes. but bad news when it came to wanting to wear everything in my closet.

so i had to get going.

i started running. not with the goal of completing any major races (although being prepared for the wrtc 5k was a good bonus). but i just wanted to work myself up to a place where i knew i could run 3-4 miles consistently, whenever i felt like it.

the thing about running is that most people who know me will tell you i'm not too fond of it. i'm all for running as part of sports activity. but just running to run? that has never gotten me excited. all the stuff about clearing your mind, it being addictive, and the great reward at the end....ummm, not really feeling it.

i had several friends recommend i listen to music while i ran. this seemed like a good idea, in theory. i love music. it often motivates me as i work. seems like it might motivate me to run as well.

but the truth is, it's a horrible idea.

in running more, i learned that listening to music while running just isn't for me. why? because with every song that plays, i anticipate the ending and how the ending equates to time passed. with every song that ends, i create a tally, figuring that if say four songs have played, i've probably been running for about 14 minutes. which means i have somewhere around 20 more to go. which means i'm not even halfway done! and my mind starts imagining those next 20 minutes. the sweat, the potential cramp, the fatigue. the experience soon becomes pretty miserable. even songs i've always loved suddenly seem way too long and unbearable. ("do you really need to sing the chorus a third time?!")

but when running without music, things are much better. without music, i listen to the sound of my breath. of my living. i don't focus so much on how much further i need to go. i just put one foot in front of the other. and keep going.

kind of like taking it one day at a time.

not anticipating how much longer you have to endure something. not asking if you're through the first quarter or halfway point? not imposing your own impressions of how long something should take. just moving. breathing. step. by. step.

because sometimes, the anticipation of when it will all be over makes the process much, much worse. anticipating the potential for hardship down the road and prematurely trying to prepare can make you want to slow your pace or quit before even getting there. better to just focus on the task at hand -- the next step. and those steps do add up into minutes and miles and moments and milestones.

do i now say i like running?

ummm, nope!

but i do like what it's taught me.

moneyball

so this past sunday was oscar night, and while one movie came away empty-handed in all of its nominated categories, it still has a special place in my heart.

moneyball.

the baseball movie, with brad pitt. based on the true story of the oakland a's and their general manager's attempt to "change the game."

getting to australia was no short trip. (six hours from dc to san francisco and another 14 hours from san francisco to sydney). so i got to watch a lot of movies. moneyball happened to be shown on two legs of my trip. and i watched it twice. not just out of boredom, but because i really liked it.

at one point in the movie, billy beane (brad pitt) is with his daughter, and she plays him a song on her guitar. she has a beautiful voice, and it's a wonderful portrayal of a sweet moment between an encouraging, loving father and a talented, but unsure daughter (in fact, the look on brad pitt's face during minute 1:37-1:42 really gets me).

the movie introduced me to the song, which is performed by an artist named lenka. and the lyrics made me love the song, which does a great job capturing a lot of what i often feel.

here's a clip from the movie....



i'm just a little bit caught in the middle
life is a maze, and love is a riddle
i don't know where to go
can't do it alone, i've tried
and i don't know why

i am just a little girl lost in the moment
i'm so scared, but i don't show it
i can't figure it out
it's bringing me down, i know
i've got to let it go
and just enjoy the show

familiar feeling

last week of school. definitely feeling the pressure. and that means less time for writing on the blog. trying to focus at work. list is made. headphones are in.

here's what i'm listening to. song by john mayer. a new favorite artist (i know i'm behind the curve on this one). have a listen...

dreaming with a broken heart - john mayer

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
then waking up is the hardest part
you roll outta bed and down on your knees
and for a moment you can hardly breathe
wondering was she really here?
is she standing in my room?
no she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the giving up is the hardest part
she takes you in with her crying eyes
then all at once you have to say goodbye
wondering could you stay my love?
will you wake up by my side?
no she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hands?
do i have to fall asleep with roses in my , roses in my hands?

would you get them if i did?
no you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

when you're dreaming with a broken heart
the waking up is the hardest part

halo

seems like every song has a memory connected to Jarronn. but this particular one always gets me. when it first came out, i made a big deal about how fine michael ealy was in the video. i made Jarronn watch it with me, and i told him i thought beyonce' might be my cousin, because she has the little moles on the side of her eyes like people in my family do. (he thought that was funny). i'm not a huge fan of beyonce's acting (and who the heck knows what the water scene is about??), but i do love the looks that she and mike ealy exchange in this video. i think they capture that feeling of being totally amazed by someone.

one night during our honeymoon, we were riding on a shuttle to dinner, and the song came on. the shuttle was full, so Jarronn rode in the seat directly in front of me. i placed my hand on his shoulder and sang along with the song. sang the words to him.

now as i hear the lyrics, that all seems ironic. and funny that they still apply now.

gospel song

i'm still sorting through facebook messages. 125 more to go. not that i don't appreciate hearing from so many people. it's just taking some time to respond.

thanks to tania j. for sending the words of an old time gospel song to me...

One day at a time sweet Jesus
That's all I'm asking from you.
Just give me the strength
To do everyday what I have to do.
Yesterday's gone sweet Jesus
And tomorrow may never be mine.
Lord help me today, show me the way
One day at a time.

so amazing

my mom took me to dinner by the water last night. we ate with some of her friends and shared some good conversation, although it can be hard to be in social settings for long periods of time.

a musician on the deck sang pop songs over keyboard music. at one point, he started singing luther vandross's song "so amazing." it reminded me of a time i went to dinner with a few female friends a couple years ago. we were eating at indeblue in d.c., and i asked the ladies how their relationships were going. two of them responded with a lukewarm "ok." i was less than satisfied with this response! from everything i knew about both of their boyfriends, i expected much more enthusiasm. i inquired about why their responses lacked luster and neither seemed to really have an explanation. they then asked me how things were with Jarronn, and after lacking the proper words to explain how great things were, i broke into my rendition of "so amazing" -- doing luther's song little justice.

"love has truly been good to me
not even one sad day
or minute have i had since you've come my way
i hope you know i'd gladly go
anywhere you'd take me
it's so amazing to be loved
i'd follow you to the moon in the sky above...

"and it's so amazing, amazing
i could stay forever, forever
here in love and no, leave you never
'cause we've got amazing love"

i think my friends were stunned and perhaps embarrassed for me, lol. they also made fun of me for the next two years. did jessica really just bust into song over her man?! but the truth is that it really was that good. and one thing that has brought me some peace in this situation is knowing that i fully appreciated what i had with Jarronn -- while i had it. i didn't take any phone call, kiss, or gesture for granted. and i let him know how much it all meant to me. if your relationship is really 'just ok', that's one thing. but if it's wonderful, you should say so and do so, while you have the opportunity.