Thursday, June 2, 2011

still dreaming

i still have these recurring dreams.

the details differ slightly, but they all have the same overarching theme.

in them, i am going about my life, living without Jarronn, and discover that he is not actually dead. that though i thought he had passed away, he was actually just "away." the circumstances around where he's been for such a long time is never the same. once it was that he was away on business. another time he had been in the hospital. and another time it was that he'd been kidnapped and held hostage in a cave somewhere.

regardless of the details, these tend to be some of my most vivid dreams. they pull me through a range of emotions. first disbelief. then joy. then relief that it's all over. and then concern.

concern, because once i realize Jarronn is back, i start trying to figure out how he fits back into my life. for the first few dreams, it was easy. drop everything and fall right back into step. into the way things were.

but with the most recent dream, i found myself having a harder time knowing how to go back and act like time hadn't passed. like i hadn't been forced to keep moving forward. to keep living my life and find meaning in his absence. 

when i woke up, this most recent dream left me with pretty mixed feelings. like other times, there was the disappointment that it was all a dream. that this is, and has been, my reality. there were also feelings of guilt that i hesitated to return to how things were. and at the same time, there was some satisfaction in knowing that i felt comfortable enough with my new life to not want to rush and abandon it.

as much as it isn't my first choice, i'm finding ways to create a new life for myself.


  1. i think the dream just shows that you're moving on with your life, which is what he'd really want. it also shows that with enough time, patience, and understanding, we can move past the biggest obstacles and still smile in the end.

  2. Well said--Jessica and Malika both. Jarronn was all for living it up. And you've been a shining example, Jess to smiling in times when it's most difficult. Pain may exist, but better days come, and smiles eventually follow.

  3. Inception was a powerful movie;) Manipulating dreams to live the life we want, or think we want. As you have shared your dreams with us, we can see the growth in your healing. I believe we will always dream of our loved ones that have passed on, and there may be questions we still have, but God continues to keep us that we may help others (as you have done). Keep shining your light lil' Sis;) You're on the right track. Love you.

  4. Jessica -- I'm a friend of Jarronn's cousin (Norman) and I've been reading your blog for over a year. Your posts allows your followers to see how you have grown and I must say you are a very courageous woman who is way ahead of her time. I just want to say "thank you" for sharing your feelings and insight. My niece just lost her beautiful 20 yr old daughter in a tragic auto accident in the DC area a few weeks ago. At the appropriate time, I will have her read your postings so she will see that one day, in time, she will smile again. Thank you again and you probably have no idea how many people you have helped move past the pain of losing a loved one.