Thursday, October 14, 2010

the question

a lot of people ask it.

and i typically have a different answer every single time. not even because the way i'm feeling fluctuates that much. but more so because i haven't gotten the script down. not the kind of script that is politically correct. but the kind of script that accurately and succinctly captures what it is that i feel.

the question "how are you doing?" seems much better suited for people with lives that are far more normal than mine. for lives that contain events that don't cause people to say, "i can't imagine..."

i find it incredibly challenging to capture how i'm doing in a simple response. or in a couple of minutes. i struggle to be honest about the very difficult moments without sounding like i walk around depressed all the time, which wouldn't be accurate. and i struggle to prevent others from pushing me back to "better" before i'm really ready to get there. (if such a place even really exists). and no matter what i say, i feel unconvinced that i was able to come close to conveying my true feelings. my state of "doing."

so after i fumble through my response, thinking in my head that i'm talking all over the place, most people tell me i "look good." or even great. and i wish i knew how my look now compares to what i looked like before all of this. is it just as good? or just good with all things considered?

and after every one of those conversations, i leave thinking, "man, Jessica. you need to get your script together."


  1. That's true stuff sis. Makes me think

  2. I think about this a lot too. I sometimes get the same question on your behalf, (as I'm sure others may as well) and I honestly don't know that to say to fully represent anything that seems appropriate. I never want to say that you're "doing great...doing very well", or "as well as can be expected", or even "having some difficulty"...

    It always feels like words can't do justice in painting an accurate picture.

    Oftentimes I wind up saying that you're just such a great person, dealing with something I wouldn't wish on an enemy. And that I'm grateful for you, and pray for you often. (I know that doesn't answer the question...nor is that an answer you can adopt yourself, LOL) But it's the best response I am capable of.

    I'd say you're doing you. =) And that's a great thing.

  3. People are constantly asking me how you are doing and how I am doing. I always say she a strong solider. I know there are times that you are down. It goes both ways. I constantly think about him especially when we have special occassions like this last weekend. What we J-Man have done to make it even better. Missing him constantly.