the question

a lot of people ask it.

and i typically have a different answer every single time. not even because the way i'm feeling fluctuates that much. but more so because i haven't gotten the script down. not the kind of script that is politically correct. but the kind of script that accurately and succinctly captures what it is that i feel.

the question "how are you doing?" seems much better suited for people with lives that are far more normal than mine. for lives that contain events that don't cause people to say, "i can't imagine..."

i find it incredibly challenging to capture how i'm doing in a simple response. or in a couple of minutes. i struggle to be honest about the very difficult moments without sounding like i walk around depressed all the time, which wouldn't be accurate. and i struggle to prevent others from pushing me back to "better" before i'm really ready to get there. (if such a place even really exists). and no matter what i say, i feel unconvinced that i was able to come close to conveying my true feelings. my state of "doing."

so after i fumble through my response, thinking in my head that i'm talking all over the place, most people tell me i "look good." or even great. and i wish i knew how my look now compares to what i looked like before all of this. is it just as good? or just good with all things considered?

and after every one of those conversations, i leave thinking, "man, Jessica. you need to get your script together."