birthday visits

last week tuesday was Jarronn's birthday. 31 years since he was born.

the day wasn't quite as tough as last year. i guess that happens when you're no longer planning towards the date.

we didn't have a party in his honor like last year. and i didn't have as many people reaching out to me like last year. but that's not something i'm sad or disappointed about. in fact, fewer reminders of the loss and the need for people to pray for me probably contributed to it being a more manageable day. it's encouraging when it's sporadic, but it can become overwhelming when it's all at once.

in the morning, i tried reading his facebook wall and couldn't make it through more than a few posts without tearing up. so to prevent the risk of looking crazy to the people working around me, i quickly closed the page.

i did get a chance to visit two of his "resting places" last week. i was in jamaica up until the day before his birthday and went to our special spot before heading to the airport. it was beautiful, as usual, though some of the trees around the spot had been removed and new things planted. change is constant, i guess. the sky was blue, the sun was bright and the horizon line seemed to stretch farther than normal. i thought about all the moments we'd spent in that spot, from friends to moments away from being fiances.

this past saturday, i went to visit the holly bush we planted at the site where we got married. originally, i planned to visit with the thought that it would be nice to visit both places (from jamaica to maryland) during his birthday week. but by the time saturday afternoon rolled around, i felt a huge need to visit, as though it was the only way to find some peace for the day.

i was happy to see none of the deer had eaten off the leaves. at the same time, i hoped to see a bird land on one of the branches, thinking it would somehow give me a sign that Jarronn was there and could and feel me. i sat on a nearby bench and talked to Jarronn. not a whole lot, but more than i normally do, because typically trying to talk to him just reminds me that i won't hear a response. that our days of having conversations are behind us. and i usually can't bring myself to mutter more than just a few words at a time. the sky was gray, the branches were bare, and the only noise was the rustling of leaves that were pushed around by the wind.

it wasn't easy. from warm, shining light to cool, dreary clouds.

it was a big adjustment last week. it was a big adjustment a year and a half ago.