in the audience

earlier this week, i had another dream with Jarronn.

i was standing in front of a group of people, giving some kind of speech or presentation. at times i felt nervous, and i was working hard to get my point across.

later on, i was seated at a round table, talking to a smaller group of people, maybe eight or so. somehow, i started talking about the meaning of life. i'm not sure now, nor was i sure in my dream, about what qualified me to coach on this deep subject. but at the same time, i knew i was passionate about the subject.

i told the people at the table that life is about doing for others. that we have to fight the urge to do just for ourselves. that we should become less selfish. that we should choose the option that helps others and not just ourselves.

once i finished talking, i left the room and sat on the ground. i was feeling like i had talked too much (a feeling some might be surprised to know i often feel in real life). while sitting on the ground, Jarronn walked up and sat down on the ground across from me. i hadn't noticed his presence while i was speaking, but he'd apparently been there.

he told me i did a good job. he referenced a point in my speaking where he knew i was nervous, but that i recovered and got through it nicely. i appreciated the affirmation and encouragement.

i woke up, and i was reminded of a presentation Jarronn gave at work in 2004, not long after we'd met. he was presenting to representatives from one of johnson & johnson's hospital clients. i was sitting in the back of the conference room, taking pictures and notes for a story i'd publish on the company intranet.

seeing him present is what first made me think that he was really someone special. he caught me off guard and really impressed me. we would later joke about him being an "up and comer" within the company. i would later tell him that the presentation is what made me raise an eyebrow. he would later tell me that though he was talking to the clients, he was really presenting to me.

ask most girls what caught their eye about guy, or what's the "one thing that's got her trippin'" (a reference to a song that will forever remind me of Jarronn), and it's not likely to be something like business presentation skills. might be my weird communications professional mind. but then again, maybe more times than not, it is just one small thing about a person that makes them shine in your eyes. that makes you think, "huh." in my case, being with someone who could control a room the way Jarronn did wasn't even something i knew i wanted. but i knew how much i liked it when i saw it.

and i guess his technique worked.

forgiveness

even though the last episode of the oprah show aired a couple weeks ago, my dvr is still filled with an array of episodes from the last two seasons.

some are episodes i've yet to watch, but intend to. others are episodes that i'm saving, either to watch again or with the hope of showing it to someone like my mom or someone else. it wasn't until after Jarronn died that i was able to keep a library that sometimes reached 50+ episodes. i guess that was the down side of having to share a dvr.

now that the show has ended, it's given me time to go through the library. (it seemed like for every episode i watched, two new episodes would record). almost every episode tends to give me some insight, emotion, laugh or new perspective. and one thing i heard in watching an episode today was something i thought worth sharing.

as oprah spoke to two young girls who spent years being abused by their brothers and father, she shared her favorite definition of forgiveness:

"forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past."


that definition hit me deeply. not just because of its insight into what forgiveness is, but also for its connection to moving on in life in general. to living freer. more peacefully. with more contentment. and more in the present.

giving up on the possibility of a better past has been one of the hardest things i've had to do. and i still haven't perfected it. but reading this definition, which captures what i've struggled to do, somehow seems empowering. it's like putting a name to my constant state of striving. it makes me more conscious of it.

and hopefully the consciousness pushes me farther forward, beyond the what ifs and should haves of the past. beyond the idea of a better past and into a better present.

still dreaming

i still have these recurring dreams.

the details differ slightly, but they all have the same overarching theme.

in them, i am going about my life, living without Jarronn, and discover that he is not actually dead. that though i thought he had passed away, he was actually just "away." the circumstances around where he's been for such a long time is never the same. once it was that he was away on business. another time he had been in the hospital. and another time it was that he'd been kidnapped and held hostage in a cave somewhere.

regardless of the details, these tend to be some of my most vivid dreams. they pull me through a range of emotions. first disbelief. then joy. then relief that it's all over. and then concern.

concern, because once i realize Jarronn is back, i start trying to figure out how he fits back into my life. for the first few dreams, it was easy. drop everything and fall right back into step. into the way things were.

but with the most recent dream, i found myself having a harder time knowing how to go back and act like time hadn't passed. like i hadn't been forced to keep moving forward. to keep living my life and find meaning in his absence. 

when i woke up, this most recent dream left me with pretty mixed feelings. like other times, there was the disappointment that it was all a dream. that this is, and has been, my reality. there were also feelings of guilt that i hesitated to return to how things were. and at the same time, there was some satisfaction in knowing that i felt comfortable enough with my new life to not want to rush and abandon it.

as much as it isn't my first choice, i'm finding ways to create a new life for myself.