Thursday, March 29, 2012

alright

"everything will be alright" is not the same as "everything will stay the same."
      - seth godin (a blogger i tend to not be able to get enough of)

i wish these two phrases could be guaranteed in the same breath. but, alas, they typically can't. that can be hard to grasp, and it might take some real intention and work on our parts to come to grips with it. because when we get comfortable with a state, we tend to have a hard time imagining how something different could, in fact, also be alright.

what's nice about the first part of the phrase is that it comes with a bit more assuredness. everything really will be alright if we open ourselves to it.

but that "stay the same" concept is pretty tricky and pretty impossible. things change. things keep moving forward around us, whether we like it or not. people change their minds, change their addresses, and even change from earthly beings into something we can't fully understand.

it's different. it's hard.

but again...

everything. will. be. alright.

Monday, March 19, 2012

change is

change is the only constant.

sometimes that's good. sometimes it's just a fact.

sometimes it's sad. especially when something you cared about, that felt familiar and consistent, isn't or can't be anything more than a memory on which you reflect.

wondering how or why it changed. measuring the distance between the past and the current reality.

but my mom is a wise woman, and i'll reflect on one of her phrases:
live the moment fully, love it joyfully, leave it gratefully... 
- jennifer tomlinson moreland


Thursday, March 8, 2012

direction

i've never been the type to have a five- or ten-year plan. perhaps a bit when it came to those typical lifetime aspirations, like buy a house around this age, get married around such and such age, and start popping out kids no later than that age. i've also had aspirations for different things. a particular job, a professional degree, a certain level of income.

but for the most part, i've never been one of those highly focused people who has this model life or profession they're striving toward. i've never really felt like i had one major passion that i wanted to pursue. i've never identified this thing i'm destined to do.

experiencing significant loss in 2009 didn't make the situation any better. any small sense of goals i had lost their luster, and all those lifetime aspirations i mentioned earlier really seemed to be thrown out the window. more so than ever before, i began to just float. and like the title of my blog says, it was more important to just take things one day at a time.

even in my floating, i managed to take on and achieve some big things. a master's degree. a freelancing career. travel. a whole lot of paper work. new relationships. a move. and yet, in the last few months i've felt more and more of an urge to identify some kind of direction for myself. not to say that i'm lost. i have a good sense of God, life, and self. but i could use some more direction. maybe it's the fact that i'm getting closer to 30. or i'm being too hard on myself. or maybe i've gotten to the point where grief no longer consumes so much of my energy.

whatever the cause, i'm feeling the need to run toward something.

"if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. he will pass an invisible boundary; new, universal, and more liberal laws will begin to establish themselves around and within him; and he will live with the license of a higher order of beings." - henry david thoreau

Friday, March 2, 2012

happy 32nd

happy birthday Jarronn.

yesterday was his 32nd birthday, and i did my best to honor him.

i got out of bed. (i'm told this shouldn't be underestimated).
i ran three miles. (he was big on working out and getting me to do the same).
i went to the hairdresser. (he fully supported personal pampering and probably thought i should have indulged even more).
i went to woodend sanctuary, the spot where we got married. also the spot where his family and i planted a holly bush in his honor.
i shed a few tears, mainly in thinking about how many people out there miss Jarronn. i tend to feel the weight of that on days like these.
i took in the sun.
i took my time.





it was beautiful here in d.c. yesterday, which made the time at woodend really nice. after the wedding, people who attended joked about how during the ceremony, the deer seemed to emerge from the fields on cue. and after about 30 minutes there yesterday, they did the same. this seems special, but when i thought about it, the deer live there. so really, i should expect to see them by now. still -- it's always a pleasant surprise, and i appreciated the reason to smile.

feel free to get your national geographic on and watch as these four-legged friends try to scope out who i am and go back and forth between "she's interesting." and "i don't care." and then "but maybe i do."

video