Proverbs 16:9

In their hearts humans plan their course,
   but the LORD establishes their steps.

- Proverbs 16:9

you

i've mentioned before how i received hundreds of messages of support from different people after Jarronn died. some by text message. some by email. some by facebook. some by way of cards and packages.

some from family. some from friends. some from acquaintances. some from people who knew Jarronn. some from people who hardly knew me or Jarronn.

all of it has been amazing.

some shared sympathies. some shared personal tragedies. some shared personal triumphs. some shared treasured memories. some shared words of support. some shared their thoughts about this blog. some shared what they got from this blog.

i'm so thankful for all of those messages. i haven't always gotten to respond to all of them (and this was especially true in the first six months after Jarronn died), but i do read every message. and i take something from every message -- whether its a smile, a memory, a tear or encouragement. and many times when i don't respond, it's because i was so touched that i wanted to craft the perfect response but never got around to it (the downfall of sometimes being a perfectionist). nevertheless, i'm always most struck by how so many people are kind enough to take time out of their busy schedules and lives to reach out to me and offer support, even if that just means saying hi, praying for me, or letting me know they've taken something from my "story."

the same can be said for those of you who comment on and follow this blog (whether publicly or privately). who take time to keep up with my up and down feelings and sporadic postings. who often smile when i smile and cry when i cry.

i greatly appreciate all of you.

and as i've said in many of my responses to those hundreds and hundreds of messages, i truly believe that all of the thoughts and prayers and well wishes have made a difference. that they've held me up in a way i can't even really understand. and that you all operate in an orchestrated way, with just the right timing, in a way that you can't even really understand.

it's beautiful. it's a blessing.

thank you.

expectation

happy new year, everyone.

like many of you, i'm hoping that 2011 is a year that brings new opportunities, achievements, blessings, and fulfillments.

and perhaps unlike many of you, i have no interest in declaring or claiming what 2011 will be. no interest in saying what it will bring me. no desire to establish any great expectations.

i haven't really determined if this is a good thing or bad thing. i just know it's a real thing. my ability to have expectations or even plan things has been extremely limited for the past year and a half. and it's hard to find the boldness to say "2011 will be a great year," when i know i really have no way of knowing that. 2009 was going to be a "great year," and even started out that way. but of course, things have a way of sometimes changing, and changing pretty quickly.

i wrestle with this on a regular basis -- how to think positively about my world and even shape my reality with those positive thoughts while still recognizing my limits when it comes to writing my actual story. i haven't figured out how to expect great things or even set big goals when i know there are so many things that are outside of my control. that control is largely an illusion.

and while i certainly don't want to kill anyone's joy or goals or anticipation for the new year, i can't help but wish that there was a way for us to hope for things, but not specific things. to look for blessings, but to be open to the different forms they may come in. (even if that means it's in the form of a painful lesson.) and that we would face a new year with less expectation and declaration and more openness to whatever it is that may come.

it's not entirely realistic or possible. plans and ideas for the future make the world go 'round.

but it's not an expectation -- it's just a wish.

second christmas

christmas #2 without Jarronn has come and gone. and we all managed through it. there really is something to getting through "the firsts," and i'm glad that we've done that and made it through half of our "seconds" as well. but the big days and holidays aren't completely easy either. they still come with moments of longing. and with unspoken--yet understood--words between the family. and the underlying knowledge that we're trying to make the best of what we have.

christmas dinner was small and held at my house. this was a big improvement from last year when i neglected to put up a single holiday decoration or feel an ounce of christmas cheer. and i was thankful for the improvement in my attitude. i cooked. did some decorating. and even baked my christmas cookies (something Jarronn loved).

most of the day was fantastic -- enjoying the time with my parents and Jarronn's immediate family. exchanging beautiful and thoughtful gifts. watching football and taking post-meal naps on the couch. we went through old photos and snapped some new ones.

the biggest snag came with me cooking a leg of lamb that didn't seem to be turning out as well as i had hoped. when i cook for other people, i take it pretty seriously. so the thought of christmas dinner turning into a bust had me stressed. it also had me missing how Jarronn loved cooking the entire meal for thanksgiving and christmas dinners. filling his shoes can sometimes be really, really tough.

and that, of course, applies to more than just food prep. there's the friend shoes. the sibling shoes. the cousin shoes. the godparent shoes. and the child shoes. all big. all hard to fill. none really possibly to fill. but i wish i could. i really, really wish i could.

i am, however, thankful for what i can do. bring our families together. carry on his memory. find new joys in life. and prayerfully make it through the rest of "the seconds," "the thirds," "the fourths," and so on.

i pray you and yours had a merry christmas! and Jarronn would want me to wish you a happy kwanzaa too!

in loving memory

wow. it's been three weeks since i've blogged, which is much longer than i prefer. but it's been for good reason. i started a new work assignment, and it's been keeping me busy.

last monday, Jarronn's parents, brother, and i planted a memorial holly bush in Jarronn's honor. this is signficiant for a few reasons. first, while Jarronn and i and his family all felt/feel that cremation was what we wanted after he died, it does mean that we aren't really left with a place, like a grave site, where we can visit to remember and reflect on Jarronn. and while i spread some of Jarronn's ashes in our special spot in jamaica, i obviously can't visit that site on a regular basis. when one of Jarronn's friends had told me that he visited the site of his accident after he had passed, the idea didn't really sit well with me. that we would remember him at the place where things took a turn for the worse. and so since late last year, i've been trying to arrange for a space within close proximity, with beauty, and with a connection to Jarronn.

i'm happy to say that we planted the bush at woodend sanctuary -- the place where we got married. steps down from the grove and alter where we exchanged our vows and were surrounded by the love and support of our friends and family, is a small, young holly bush. it has just a few branches and just a few red berries, but i'm praying that it grows and flourishes, provides a snack for the birds, and provides a peaceful reminder on the days when i vist there and sit on the nearby bench.

we kept it small and intimate - just the four of us -- because it felt easier and right that way. we used our hands to grab handfuls of dirt and plant the bush, carefully patting the dirt into place and introducing the bush to its new home. talking to Jarronn along the way.

after the tree was planted, i read from khalil gibran's "the prophet." on our wedding day, in that same place, my mother had read the poem about marriage from "the prophet." last monday, i read the poem about death.

Than Almitra spoke, saying, "We would ask now of Death."

And he said:

You would know the secret of death.

But how shall you find it unless you seek it in the heart of life?

The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.

If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.

For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.

In the depth of your hopes and desires lies your silent knowledge of the beyond;

And like seeds dreaming beneath the snow your heart dreams of spring.

Trust the dreams, for in them is hidden the gate to eternity.

Your fear of death is but the trembling of the shepherd when he stands before the king whose hand is to be laid upon him in honour.

Is the shepherd not joyful beneath his trembling, that he shall wear the mark of the king?

Yet is he not more mindful of his trembling?

For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?

And what is to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?

Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.

And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.

And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.

---

that stanza in bold got me that day and seems to get me every time.

we each took some time to say a few words. some that were positive and some that were still questioning of God's purpose and plan. some that were happy about what we'd done in Jarronn's memory and some that were pain-filled as thoughts turned to how much life has changed since he died. Jarronn's brother, theo, even noted how the bush's branches looked like they were arms outstretched, ready to give a hug.

and i couldn't help but think about how much woodend, on a cold december day, looked a lot different from our may 15 wedding.

but it also looked a lot like the fall 2008 day when i brought Jarronn there to show him the place where i envisioned us getting married. and us looking up at the tall trees together, looking at the deer nearby, and thinking about our future.

when i go back to visit, and sit on the bench by his holly bush, i'm going to do all of those things. look up at the trees. watch the deer in the distance. smile about my past. and think about my future.

memory monday #6

yesterday i had brunch with two of Jarronn's long-time friends, who i'm glad to say became my friends years ago as a result of my relationship with him. marck and ludgina both went to rutgers with Jarronn, laughed with Jarronn, and grinded through engineering with Jarronn. while they were all just friends back in school, marck and ludgina started dating after college and are now married (Jarronn was a best man in their wedding).

it was so good to see them. there are so many happy memories connected to them -- a road trip to upstate ny to visit them. their visit to md and stay in my apartment (i begged Jarronn to hang curtains in my room the night before they came, which made my downstairs neighbors come knocking around 12:30 a.m.) a great time in vegas and a hilarious post-ride photo from the stratosphere ride (so good, i actually purchased the $10 copy. this video gives you a sense of the ride, lol). meeting in nyc during the holidays and ice skating in central park. Jarronn always wanting me to show off my best meals when we hosted them for dinner. them putting us on to moscato d'asti (years before anyone thought to mention it in a rap song). a funny voicemail in left creole that Jarronn saved and would replay for us to laugh at. hearing that they were going to have a baby girl. marck as a groomsman in our wedding. and tons of time laughing with each other, at each other, and about the dynamics in both of our relationships.

i can honestly say i feel like i've known both of them for much longer than i have. and it's always been so easy to understand why Jarronn loved them both so much. as i sat with them and their beautiful daughter yesterday, there were so many moments when we laughed. and as they sat on one side of the booth, and i was on the other side with an empty spot next to me, i could imagine Jarronn there and me nudging him or squeezing his arm as we shared in the laughs. not like old times. but just like old times.

today's memory monday was written by ludgina. on august 10, she wrote:

Jarronn was my brother from another mother! We sometimes bickered as if we were brother and sister too☺. We went to Rutgers together and from Week 1 we were great friends. I miss him. The last time we spoke/texted was on July 4, 2009. After that we played some serious phone tag. My two wishes are that I could have had just one last conversation with him and that he was able to meet and take a picture with my daughter who was just shy of 3 months when he passed away. Although Jarronn is no longer here on Earth, I am grateful for all of the great memories (we had some good times!), and for being able to have known such an inspirational and wonderful person. The candles and wooden piece in this picture were given to me by Jarronn in January of 2004. I haven’t lit them since he passed so it was very special for me to light them on the anniversary of the day he became an angel watching over us. Until we meet again J. 

- Ludgie Baby.

“God didn’t promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for tears, and LIGHT for the way.” ~~Unknown~~

and if you've never seen this video marck put together to honor Jarronn after he passed, you should check it out!

rejection

there are many moments, many days, when thinking about the pain that many others have experienced and endured gives me the courage and the acceptance to get through. to keep moving. to be.

but then there are random times, sometimes very real and sometimes perhaps even suppressed moments, when none of that seems to matter. the times when the person with the far more tragic story than mine can't help at all.  and the stories of endurance don't give me any hope.

it's the moments when my pain seems to be fully mine. and the times when i feel fully alone. and the times when i fully want to reject it all. it's in these times, i don't want someone to relate to. because i'm at a point where i'm too tired of embracing it all. i don't feel like moving toward getting better, because i'd much rather move toward what used to be. toward a previous state of me.

it's at these times i'm extremely selfish. and without any apology for it. though also not without guilt about it. it's at these times i cry aching, ugly tears. but never as many as i would like to. it's at these times i look for someone else that would be better suited for this stuff. but as i add names to a list in my head, i quickly scratch them off.

i don't like these moments.