i made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch. one of Jarronn's staples. i made him two pbj's back in 2005, the night we had our talk. the talk about liking each other as more than just friends. after a year as friends, we joked about how maybe it was something in those sandwiches. or the full moon. or it being the first day of summer.
Jarronn told me he liked those sandwiches, but i think he was just trying to boost my ego. the truth was that we liked our pbj's very different. i like thin layers of peanut butter and jelly. Jarronn liked to pile on both. we both learned to make them in the way the other person liked.
on certain mornings, i would make pbj's for Jarronn to carry in his lunch bag. he appreciated it a lot. i was happy that something so small could make him happy.
i miss having him around to do things for. having someone to make happy. someone to buy gifts for (he LOVED gifts). and someone to cook for. of course i can do all of these things for other people, besides Jarronn. but really. it's not the same. throughout this situation, i don't think there's been a moment when i've felt the absence of love. on the contrary, i feel extremely loved. but i miss giving love. in the way i was once able to.