sometimes it's hard to know that pain in life is inevitable. if i could tell myself, with a guarantee, that this was the roughest it would get, that i had hit the bottom, that there'd be no pain worse than this....it might make it a little easier to bear.
instead, i live with the possibility that i have a lot more living to do. and though there will likely be much more happiness than pain in my life when it's all said and done, pain will be a part of this journey. it feels pretty daunting. i try to tell myself that this will give me the strength to face all of the future pains, but let's be honest. i can't be so sure.
Gosh Jess, those have actually been thoughts that have haunted me over the last couple of weeks. With the loved ones that we've lost this year, and the pain that I've seen everyone endure, I have consistently tried to reassure myself, "it can only go up from here, Fem"...or "this is bad, but at least things will only get better".
ReplyDeleteIt's scary when I realize that it's really not a guarantee. Just because this year seems impossibly unbearable, doesn't mean that next year won't have any pain. Next year and the years to come, may actually have greater pains in store. How can that be??? I mean, I'm tough and all, but I'm no soldier. So SERIOUSLY??? I ain't able. No lie. I pray against that stuff. Apparently, God believes we're capable.
However, I applaud your realization of that possibility. It's brave to even acknowledge that. I also pray that this is the worst pain you'll experience, that this is "bottom". God is merciful. Hopefully His will obliges. =)
Love you girl.
I feel you. I was talking to the father Saturday and then started talking to Jarronn when I was walking Checkers. I started crying profusely. Everyone tell us to be strong and tell you how strong you are but I am tried of being strong I want people to know I am hurting so much inside of me. I have had pain in my life but there is nothing like loosing a son or a husband. I am tired of people telling me you know he is in a better place and I know he is but he is not here with me or you. I don't know how I am going to make it through this holiday without seeing him with us on Thanksgiving and Christmas. It is not much of a celebration for me.
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