three months

three months since Jarronn's been gone. a quarter of the year. longer than the time we spent married. right after he died, i wondered how it would be possible for me to function. the thing with stuff like this is that one day, you look up, you realize that three months have passed, so obviously it's possible. the future doesn't look more bearable, but at least you have the proof to know you can make it.

even after three months, i still struggle with the reality of it all. this weekend i dreamt that he was alive. that he'd only been away on a trip. he made me laugh. i told him he was "so silly" (something i must have said to him at least three times every day). i watched him sleeping in bed. i went to tell people he was back. but i stopped short of it when i remembered that he couldn't really be back. i had seen his body in the hospital. in fact, he's really gone.

still, i seem to spend most days lost in thoughts where i imagine he's back. and i imagine feeling just a few minutes of what he made me feel. and i imagine the life we'd dreamed of. and i imagine a regular saturday. and i imagine the sofa armrest is his lap. and i imagine him putting on his suit in the morning or mopping the hardwood floors or calling me with a funny story from his day.

i try to talk to him, but it's never anything very eloquent. which just makes me feel silly. i don't feel him around me, though i so wish i did. maybe that's just stuff for the movies. and meanwhile, time just keeps on passing. the leaves have changed. events comes and go. people celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, and new beginnings. nothing stops, though i'm stuck trying to remember the details of the last five years of life. trying to move forward, yet not wanting to. enjoying some wonderful moments, while being reminded of how much has been lost.

three. whole. months. people say time flies. and it does. but i've fully felt these past three months. the reality and weight of each day and moment without the love of my life.