legacy

this past saturday was Jarronn's 34th birthday.

while i believe there's a divine order to everything, when the birthdays roll around, it's hard not to wonder what he might have been like at this age. in fact, the wondering about the "what ifs" is probably one of the most debilitating things we can do when we're grieving. it's all very natural. but unfortunately, it also tends to be a ride on a road that leads to nowhere.

Jarronn had a special enthusiasm for life, and he wanted to experience all it had to offer. he loved to travel and he'd even create detailed spreadsheets with an itinerary of activities when we were planning to visit a new place.

after he passed away, i immediately thought of the many places he'd never see. the trips we wouldn't get to take. chicago. the grand canyon. the annual cruise planned by a friend. egypt. brazil. it all seemed so sad. it all seemed to remind me of what i saw as time cut way too short. and with each birthday that came after he passed, it seemed to be a reminder of what wasn't done. and what wouldn't be.

i remember being on a boat tour of the sydney harbor in 2012. the weather was beautiful. the sights were unforgettable. and as i took it all in, i started to cry thinking about how Jarronn never got to see any of it. and there were other moments like that, in different places. for so long, the new experiences that were helping me heal also had the sting of reminding me what Jarronn wouldn't get to do.

but then, eight months later in that same year, and more than three years after he had passed, something interesting happened.

i was on a different boat.

this time in the cayman islands. the weather was beautiful. the sights were unforgettable. and as i took it all in, i had this moment of renewed perspective.

it might sound kind of strange, but i recognized that as i continued to live and travel to new places, Jarronn would be there too. not in the physical. not even as some spooky ghost. but his memory, his love, his legacy goes where i go. i didn't have to feel sadness over him not seeing a beautiful place, because i carry him with me, based on the love and bond we shared.

and in a big way, that was  f r e e i n g.

because it opened up space for me to let in more gratitude and more hope.

cayman islands, august 2012

happy 34th birthday to my late husband, Jarronn Jackson. knowing you the way I did was one of my greatest joys, and carrying on your legacy is one of my greatest honors. (March 1, 2014) 

new experiences

though it may not seem like it, i'm still here.

it's certainly been awhile, and it seems that whenever a lengthy time has passed since my last post, i feel like the post that brings me back should be pretty significant. but i've realized that kind of thinking tends to keep me away. so i've made up my mind that even if it's not that exciting, or if it sounds like the same sad tune, i'm going get things out here. after all, writing here has helped me make it to this point -- a place i think is considerably good -- and i don't want to stop my progress now.

so what has been going on in the last few months?

i've been working hard at my business (something i haven't talked much about here, but i will in the future).

i took an amazing trip to australiaaaa (say it in your best oprah winfrey voice, please). with need for only one window seat. my two weeks there were wonderful for lots of reasons. for the beautiful views. for the chances to meet new people. for the new experience of traveling on my own. for the books i got to read (johnathan livingston seagull, by richard bach. the help, by kathryn stockett. me talk pretty one day, by david sedaris. and mere christianity, by c.s. lewis). for the time i was afforded to reflect and process.

i learned lots of things about myself and life in those two weeks. things i'll likely share here. the first that comes to mind and that i'll share today...new experiences help you move forward.

i've known this for awhile actually. but taking on the new experience of traveling half-way around the world by myself definitely reinforced the lesson. when we experience loss, we want to hold onto the past. that's natural, and it makes sense. but living through past experiences can never fully compare to living a fully present life. when i lost Jarronn, a lot of things crumbled. a sense of identify. a sense of security. dreams for the future. if i'd spent the last 2.5 years only reliving my experiences with Jarronn, i'd be stuck in the same place, reflecting on what i don't have and can't get back. thankfully, i've been able to create new amazing experiences and memories that i reflect on with just as much appreciation.

people often comment on how i'm always going somewhere, or always staying busy. i find these kinds of comments amusing, because i don't think people understand how much it's out of necessity. the need to move forward and look forward to living.

tradition from tragedy

i've often made mention here of how amazing my friends are.

probably not enough. but i also don't want to get anyone jealous or anything. :-)

in the days, weeks, months and even years following Jarronn's passing, i've been overwhelmed by the kindness and thoughtfulness of many people. and my closest friends have done nothing but prove why we've been so close for more than a decade.

a few months after Jarronn died, my closest girlfriends arranged a trip to arizona for my birthday. the trip was everything i needed, right when i needed it.

one year later, in 2010, we got the group together for a trip to charlottesville, va. we rented a beautiful house and toured some of virginia's best wineries.

this year, the group got a little smaller, due to scheduling conflicts and other challenges. but six of us kept the party going in philly.

as we packed up to head home, we each shared things we were thankful for. our bonds with each other. our acceptance of one another. the longevity of our friendships. and for me, i couldn't help but be reminded of why we started taking these trips in the first place and why i find them to be so special.

i'm thankful that our beautiful tradition of trips sprung out of tragedy.

sedona, az 2009

charlottesville, va 2010

philadelphia, pa 2011

a big deal

so in my post about my 23 days off from school, i talked about wanting to travel. and last week, i took a much-anticipated trip to chicago for two days. my first and last trip to the chi was at an extremely happy time in life -- july 2008, and i was coasting on the high of just getting engaged and preparing to transition to my current job.

that 2008 trip was filled with lots of great times. visits to obama headquarters. boutique shopping. a lazy bus tour. my first encounter with big bowl. dancing with my favorite player d. mcnabb. and of course, great reunion time with my girls from college.

i had hoped that my second trip to the windy city would be under much different circumstances. more so along the lines of a surprise trip there to celebrate Jarronn's 30th birthday. but while the trip wasn't exactly what i had originally wanted, it turned out to be wonderful.

so why chicago, and why now? about six weeks ago, my boss and i started talking about the oprah show. she told me about her experiences going to the show, and i shared how going to her show before it goes off the air next year was one of my "bucket list" items. to my huge surprise, she said, "why didn't you tell me this before?" ummmm. huh? long story short...she sent a few emails and got me four tickets to the may 4 taping of the oprah show! talk about a big deal!

(yes, i have the best boss in the world. no, you can't email her for a hook-up.) :-)

and so we went to chicagooooo (said with my arm extended and in my best oprah shout). me, my mom, and two of my girlfriends. we scored a hotwire hook-up at the swanky hotel sax, and we ate our way through the city. hot asian buns. wine flights. massaman curry. and corn tortilla tacos. (man, i love food.) you can check out some photos below.



the show airs tomorrow, may 11. i wouldn't get too excited about seeing us in the audience, but you never know.

yes, chicago trip #2 was certainly different than what i had originally planned. and i definitely had moments where i thought about the what ifs and the should haves. but i had fun. and i was grateful.

and for the first time, in a very long time, as i sat on the plane (of course in my window seat), and descended back to reagan national, i felt happy to be coming home. and that -- just like oprah -- was a really big deal.

back to jamaica

last week i went to jamaica. and this time, my mother(-in-law) came along with me. Jarronn and i had talked about getting her down there for awhile, so i was excited that the time had come for her to visit a place i love and he loved so much. her first trip to the island. and a chance for her to experience things Jarronn did over the course of his three trips there.

when we landed last sunday, the weather was unseasonably cold. 62 degrees and raining. coldest i've ever felt it in jamaica. so the plans we had of being on the beach by 3 p.m. that afternoon evaporated quickly. the next day was overcast and barely 70 degrees. i stayed optimistic that the weather would turn around and prayed that the vacation would be able to live up to the hype. thankfully, the sun came out on day 3, and we made it to the beach.

the trip flowed with lots of good times. spent time in the sun. took a day trip to negril. rode on the catamaran. spent nights out on the town. climbed dunn's river falls. got out of a speeding ticket from the police. ate lots of ackee and saltfish. and beef/chicken/veggie patties. caught up with friends. and got through a 500-page novel.

and my mother(-in-law) had a great time, which she so deserved.

of course it was bittersweet that Jarronn couldn't be there too. in some ways, it's hard to feel the same way i used to about my visits, now that he's gone. i imagine him everywhere. on the boat, snorkeling in the water, sitting on the couch, snapping photos, eating in restaurants, sleeping in his bed, practicing patois, and riding in the car. it meant a lot to me that i was able to introduce him to this place and that he absolutely loved it.

here are some photos from the trip, and for nostalgic purposes, there are a few from the trip Jarronn and i took there in july 2008 at the end.

arizona

a few weeks ago, some of my girl friends took me on a weekend trip to arizona for my birthday. (i have absolutely amazing friends; more on that later). it has taken me a few weeks to post about this, mainly because it took me so long to get the photos together.

arizona was great. i had been there many times before, because my father lived there for about seven years. i had really wanted to take Jarronn there. to see the grand canyon. and sedona. a new part of the world. i unfortunately never got a chance.

this trip was special, because outside of knowing i was flying to arizona, i had no idea what the weekend had in store. as with all major events/occasions these days, i headed into the weekend in a bit of a funk. it's hard to get excited about things in the same way i used to. my normal attitude is to jump into things head first and ensure a good time for myself and others. but lately, i feel like i've lost some capacity to do that, and when i realize it, i'm depressed to see how i've changed. that i'm not quite myself.

but the weekend definitely got better. that's what happens when you're surrounded by amazing people. they took me to sedona, where we drove through the red rock mountains. we climbed the vortex and felt the peace that comes from seeing how spectacular God's work is.

my friends made me laugh. made me relax. got me a massage. got me full. made up my face. made me dance. made me cry. gave me a rock. gave me memories. and gave me power -- in the form of a purple bracelet. :-)

if you're going through something difficult, i highly recommend taking a trip somewhere. it doesn't make everything different or change circumstances when you get back home. but there's something about how different scenery can take you to a different place, if even mentally.

enjoy the photos...