i’m back at work today after flying home last night. on my way down to jamaica, i boarded the plane and found that my seat was occupied. in the window seat was a teen-aged boy, and next to him in the middle seat was his little sister, who looked about 10 years old. i communicated that 22F was my seat, but as the teenager looked up at me with a dumbfounded look, i told him that i'd take the aisle seat if he wanted the window. he agreed (of course). as i settled in my seat, i realized that the kids' parents were sitting across the aisle from us. the father asked with concern, "is that ok?" i told him it was fine.
but it wasn't fine. i was upset that i had lost my seat that i had requested, all to accommodate someone else. i was upset that i couldn't press up against my window seat and cry in peace. instead, i dealt with the kids constantly looking over me to their parents across the aisle. i could hear the little girl next to me whispering about me to her big brother, "she's crying." i'm sure she was confused and terrified. it got worse as i was completely exhausted but had to get up multiple times to let them go to the bathroom. i was reminded to take a lesson from Jarronn: be polite, but be sure to also speak up for the things you want (or possibly need).
on the return flight home, i boarded and once again found someone sitting in my window seat, this time a grown woman. the middle seat beside her was empty, and a woman in the aisle seat asked, "do you think you could sit in the middle seat across the aisle, so that this woman in the window seat can move her daughter over into this open middle seat??" ummmmmm.... "if you can make that happen, and i still end up in a window seat, that's fine. but i'm going through a lot, and i need a window seat," i responded. the women moved out of the aisle so that i could file into my seat. the woman who had been in my seat grumbled about air jamaica not seating her with her daughter and vowing to never fly with them again.
i stared out the window and reassured myself that i had done what i needed to do for me. but i'd be lying if i said i didn't feel bad. accommodating others is something i'm used to doing. make everybody happy. be everybody's friend. what i'm not used to is being in a position where i need to accommodate myself for my sanity and emotional stability. and realizing all of this made me sad. sad that i'm not the person i was two weeks ago. not really sure who i am.
Somtimes you need to be selfish to clear the air. And really you weren't being selfish...it was your seat! *wink* You can still be all things to all people even at times when you need to be a little "to yourself"
ReplyDeleteI love how you took a lesson from Jarron in this moment. I too need to learn that lesson about being polite while also speaking up for the things I want. I pray your work day went alright.
ReplyDeleteJess.. This is a lesson that we all have to learn because being all things for everyone else sometimes can cause us to loose ourselves.. But I believe that there is a healthy balance of learning to still be there for people and still speaking up for ourselves politely and remain true to one self.. This is a lesson that I am still working on.. I am glad you made it back safely.. I really wish I can see you and give you a hug and be there for.. Although I am all the way in Missouri, know that I am also praying for you..
ReplyDeleteMuch love Sis and I will continue to pray that God will continue to keep you, comfort you in ways that only He can..
Has life is changing around you; one thing that will never change is GOD. He will be your friend, when you need one, He will be your strength when you are weak, and he will be your confident when you need it. God will be everything that you need him to be to move you to the next chapter of life. It will be slow and it will be a transition. When you need to cry “cry”, when you need time for yourself “take time for you”, and when you think you can’t do it anymore call on the name of Jesus. As you go though the healing process know that God is using you at this moment to heal/help someone else. You will not be the same person, you will be better than ever before and you will be stronger than before. You have so many sprints, prays, and hugs that are going to bring you out.
ReplyDeletethats real yo
ReplyDeleteWho are you??...you are a child of God. He is your comfort, your strength and your guide. Lean on him, he will never fail you. When you lose your way and question who you are, look to him and he will reveal your identity...
ReplyDeletethat's very real. i struggle with that too at times, trying to make everyone happy. i'm learning to leave the impossible jobs to jesus tho :-)
ReplyDeletegirl, you shoulda made that brat get up!!! lol. i'm just sayin'. but seriously, if anyone deserves to get what they want or need right now, its you. don't be afraid to ask for what you want or need. whether it be a plane seat, a conversation, a meal with friends, or a phonecall, ask for what you want and need. and you shoulda at least punched that little knucklehead in the throat for not even being humble enough to ask you for the seat like a gentleman.
ReplyDeleteit's okay jess, try to be strong. It's much more important to be emotionally stable at this point, so you've just got to do whatever it takes. :).
ReplyDeleteJessica,
ReplyDeleteI just want to thank you for your strength and your honesty. You are a great woman to even share your inner most thoughts with the world. I hope that you continue to honor Jarronn and be the best woman that you can be!
You handled the situation with charm and grace Jess. There are times when we have to realize that we ourselves need a moment to regroup and in due time things will come back. God will comfort you. I love you sis!
ReplyDeleteI believe what you are feeling is normal, I would feel the same way too....you are at an unexpected place in your life, I think you should give yourself room to learn more about you...
ReplyDeleteAlthough I do not know you personally, here are some things that I can say about you just by reading your blog. You are:
Fun, loving, graceful, grateful, strong, determined, resilient, purposeful and honest.
and I think you are doing a great job honoring your late husband
This is so real, Jess. Understandably painful, but refreshingly real. I definitely requested window seats for each of my 4 flight-legs to and from St. Thomas last month.
ReplyDeleteI knew that with my grieving I only wanted to look out into the sky, and not be bothered when folks needed to use the restroom. I didn't anticipate that I'd be using the comfort of the window to cry...but I did.
I cried for my grandfather on the way down, and I cried for my grandfather and Jarronn on the way up. Because it was a last-minute flight, there was one leg where NO window seats were available, and I almost lost it on the inside. Thankfully, the gate agent was able to find one right before I boarded. I couldn't imagine what would happen if I got on the plane and had to deal with someone in my window spot. I might have fallen out right then and there--in the aisle and had everyone clear the whole row! But you certainly handled that with grace...the person you've always been.
This next season is about what we've always joked about, Jess. "It's time to gets minez" =) Do you boo. You're more than entitled.
Some of the best advice I got when I was going through a tragic time was "Honor yourself." For me, that meant making decisions that I would have considered selfish prior to the event. But trust me, it was the best thing I could have done. I think you did the right thing.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you, Jess. Writing is so healing, not only for you, but also for the people who read your words. Thank you for sharing.
its ok to be real.Catering to others is not always the necessary thing. Even Jesus sometimes did what was best for Him. There were times when people wanted to occupy His space and He told them to leave Him alone. It is ok. God understands. Its ok that you don't know who u are. You're going through a pivotal point in life, one that will lead you to discover who you should be in Christ from now on.
ReplyDeleteLove you intensely!
Liselle
Well if she didn't want that problem then she should have booked earlier and got two seats together. If it wasn't a priority for her thn why should it be a priority for you. I feel what you're saying though about being naturally accomodating but sometimes you have to do what you have to do for you and like you said, Jarronn would've asked that lady to move for you so I'm sure he was proud of you putting yourself 1st this time ; - )
ReplyDelete