it's been four weeks, and i'm still having to break the news to people. yesterday, i spoke to three of Jarronn's friends who hadn't known he died. one was a friend from high school. Jarronn had worked as his realtor and helped him buy his first house a few months ago. before i had broken the news, he was asking if we had already gotten married. another friend was one Jarronn met when he first started working at johnson & johnson. i couldn't find his number to get in touch with him, though i wanted to badly. i thought the friend might have already known what had happened, because he sent a text to Jarronn's phone last week that said, "R U Alive?" it turned out to just be irony. he hadn't heard from Jarronn after expecting to, and he knew that wasn't like him to not do something he said he'd do. both friends answered the phone with excitement, "brother Jackson!" and then i had to break the news. Jarronn's phone has 20 voicemail messages, and i can only imagine who else might be waiting for him to call them back.
and then there's the people who are my acquaintances and haven't seen me in three or four months. they run into me and congratulate me on the wedding. telling me they saw the wedding photos on facebook and how great they looked. i thank them and end the conversation quickly. i can't quite imagine how i'd say, "thanks. yeah, the honeymoon was great. but my husband died four weeks ago." life seems awkward enough without adding those kind of interactions into the mix.
i sometimes think about what breaking the news will be like three, six, or 12 months from now. will i talk about "my late husband?" how will people react to me and that term? it's hard to imagine that this will one day be something i talk about in a matter-of-fact way. i don't want it to be.