Wednesday, August 19, 2009

on being strong

a lot of people tell me i'm strong. i don't feel strong. crying myself to sleep doesn't feel strong. tossing and turning all night doesn't feel strong. wailing in the bathroom doesn't feel strong. feeling like i can't go on 25 times each day does not feel strong.

i guess people try to imagine themselves in my shoes and can't comprehend it. they think of how they'd react. but if you had asked me on july 29 how i would deal with something like this, i wouldn't have been able to comprehend it either. the point is, none of us really know how much we can take until we are confronted with the challenging situations of life. and generally, each of us can handle a lot more than we think.

if people want to draw strength from me, that's good. but being strong/staying strong/standing strong is not my objective right now. right now i'm just trying to keep living. to push myself out of bed in the morning. to make sense of life now that my hopes and dreams have been ripped away. to literally take it one day at a time, if not one moment at a time. because that's really all i have strength for.

now if you want to see strong, check out the big man in the red plaid shirt below.


  1. You are so right...I think I've imagined what I would feel like in your situation every day now. And of course I can't comprehend. But you know what? You ARE strong, please don't doubt that. The simple fact that you're giving all of us a window into your life right now proves it. And if you weren't crying/sobbing/wailing then that would be a little concerning. You're not "Strong Tower" for no reason....and God, memories of the big man in the red plaid shirt, and all of us will you help keep you that way. I love you Codean.

  2. wow. thanks for giving us a window into what you're dealing with.

  3. jessica, the fact that you fight to make yourself get out of bed shows how strong you really are. you'd be surprised how many people in your position sit in bed all day because they don't want to face the world alone. when you deal with what you're dealing with its HARD to get out of bed, shower, comb your hair and make yourself presentable when all you want is to hide from the world.
    whenever i think about the prospect of losing my son's father, i honestly think i'd cling to my bed and not even be able to face another day.
    it may not seem like it to you, but organizing and speaking at His memorial, having the strength and grace to smile and talk to people after the service, even writing this blog, shows how strong you are.
    i'm 29 jessica, and i want to be like YOU when i grow up.

  4. Hey Jessica, I know what you are going through. I’ve been there before with the love of my life. I think we become stronger by default after experiencing an extreme tragedy and managing to persevere. People can’t comprehend your situation, so they call you strong because you are demonstrating how one copes, and lives. And you do that honorably. Crying is a great release, as I know you know.

    It’s true what they say…..the best way around a tough situation is through it.

    All the comfort, love, and blessings in the world to you my dear.

  5. Jessica,

    The bible says "...we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us." I believe that this "power" (strength) is hidden until we need it the most. You may call it endurance, you may call it survival,but what it is, is the strength that God had inside of you all along. For He always knew that you would reach this crossroad on July 30, 2009, and that you would have to come through.

    Keep doing what you are doing because you are blessing more people than you will ever know...Jarron went on to be with the Lord, but don't ever feel like it was in vain.

    Love and prayers...DS Crown Jewel (ANQ)

  6. Jess your postings make me cry. Don't worry about 'being strong'...all you can really do is what you are doing right now. Moment by moment, day by day. Cry. It's okay to wonder if you can't go on. Let yourself feel it, and don't think it makes you less strong. If there was ever a time to focus more on yourself, (this is also in response to your plane-post) it's now.
    (btw this is Anjali)

  7. God Bless you Sis.. and May our Elohim Continue to bless and Keep you in His arms and give you the comfort that only He Can.. May our Elohim continue to give you your daily strength to take it one moment at a time.. Still keeping you in my prayers..

    Much love Sis..

  8. ((HUGZ)) I love you!! And when I pray for you and think about you, all that comes to mind is ur line name: STRONGTOWER!! (and then I start singing songs/hymns with strong tower in it lol, the music in me)

    Continue to take it one day, one moment at a time...

    Love you, Roz

  9. I'm not sure if you remember me from College Park, but I wanted to let you know that this post hit VERY close to home for me. My wife and I just lost our first baby 3 weeks ago. I know our stories are different, but our pain is very similar. I will pray for and with you. God bless.


  10. Hi Baby, I lost it at work today. We had a staff meeting and everything went well until they continuously talked about Motorcycles. I had to remove myself from the meeting to let go. I know Jarronn's death was not invain even though to us it feels that way. As I keep hearing you say you both lived your life with purpose. I truly believe that. One thing I have learned from Jarronn since he is gone is to love unconditional, not to be judgemental, boldness when it comes to talking about God and to reach as many of the lost souls out here as I can. To do it with kindness but to but to get my point across. Also to speak up when I have to to but in love.

    Momma Etelle

  11. There isn't a day that's gone by since 7/30 that you haven't been in my thoughts and prayers. Please don't feel like the things you mentioned compromise your strength. I think there would be cause for concern if you weren't experiencing these things. The strength shows in your ability to remain gracious, offer a comforting smile to others who are hurting at the news of Jarronn's passing and even assure fathers with shaken faith that God still had a purpose. Thank you for sharing this Jess. I love you.

  12. Hi Jessica

    Please accept our sincere regrets and just to let you know that you are in our prayers. My dear, our Heavenly Father has promised to be with us through every trial so just remember He is there with you. Sheryl Bellamy

  13. Hey,
    I am not really into commenting and pretending I know what people are going through. I can't even imagine how it would feel to lose the love of your life. I honestly do not know how you are able to even wake up every day. I feel sad on the days I dont see Morgan when I am on a business trip. So the fact that you are able to put into words your feelings and share that with others makes you strong. I hate talking about this stuff so I am going to stop now. But you are my hero.


  14. Praying for you Jess. Remember God is right by your side at ALL times. He will never leave or forsake you. The sun will shine again. It will get better. God Bless you.

  15. One day at a time sis.....His grace is sufficient for you and His strength made perfect in your weakness (2 Cor 12:9).

    Jess it's ok to not be strong, God is big enough for you to be real with him......feel free to lean on friends and family so we can help be strong for you in your time of need.

    We love you so much Jess!

  16. Jess,

    When i first heard of what happened and even now I say, "I can't imagine going through what your going through." And your right no of us know how we will handle something until we get into that situation. But I can say looking at this from the outside, you may not see it but you are handling this gracefully and with the attitude of royalty. Thank you for being open. Although my heart bleeds with pain for you, I am glad God is using you in this time to help others grow. I love you!

  17. crying is as painful as holding it in. who defines what is strong and whst isn't? crying is therapy and the plaid shirt kid looks plenty strong I hope I can be that strong someday.