the business of death

the paperwork never seems to end. mail pours in, and the contents of most envelopes require attention. phone calls, faxes, form completion. i try to keep track of pre-addressed envelopes and my copies of documents. dealing with all of this right after Jarronn died was overwhelming. but i told myself it would all be resolved within a few months. it's been more than five months, and there's no end in sight.

i do my best to tackle a few things each day. some days, i'm completely unsuccessful. i look up after a day of work and realize i never even reached in my purse to pull out the day's papers. other days, i take on the task. i make phone calls. i usually have to explain that my husband passed away. the person on the line (usually) tells me they're sorry for my loss. i say thank you. and i know it's something they've learned to say as part of their customer service training. i try to get through this part as fast as possible. it typically feels unreal. and still, i've become more comfortable with it all. more rehearsed with the script.

what makes this all extra-tiring is when i can't simply resolve an issue. when i make a phone call to follow up on something, and i'm told i need to fax some special form. or wait to receive something in the mail. or that i can't access the information i want. there's nothing more frustrating than being ready to take care of something, to cross it off my long list of to-do's, but not being able to. i know the next day might not provide as many free moments, and i hate the thought of one more thing hanging over my head.

as much as i want to ignore it all, i know i have no choice but to deal with it. have to get it organized. have to keep it together. have to make phone calls. have to make copies. have to fax forms. have to mail letters. it's the business of death.