holidays and new year

it's a new year. like a lot of people, i was glad to say good-bye to 2009.

getting through the holidays wasn't easy, but it wasn't particularly tough either. december 25 and january 31 without Jarronn don't really feel different than january 5 without him. i spent the time with my family -- christmas with my mom and new year's with my dad. i tried my best to make all of the phone calls that Jarronn would have made to family and friends. i couldn't quite keep up the way he would have.

i thought about how he and i spent christmas 2008 apart, each with our own families. the reasoning being that it was the "last christmas for the rest of our lives" that we could do such a thing. we'd be together on christmas, in one place, for years to come.

because we were saving for the wedding, we didn't exchange any major gifts for christmas. Jarronn bought me some work out clothes for the gym (a place i haven't been to since he passed). and i bought him a tie i never got to see him wear. i promise that's not because he didn't like it. just because it was for a special occasion. :-)

this was the year for us to do the christmas tree, something that Jarronn loved. but again, i didn't have the energy or desire to get it together. i'm hoping next year will bring something different.

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so like i said -- and we all know -- the new year is here. i honestly haven't quite bought into the whole idea that 2010 will be much better than 2009. i guess on one hand, it's hard to imagine how things could get any worse. but on the other hand, i cringe at being naiive and know that anything can change in an instant. 2009 was supposed to be a great year. the year dreams came true. the year to kick off the rest of my life. it was that kind of year until july 30 hit. so now, it's just hard to have high expectations about the year ahead.

but i'll face it. and i'll do so with a new found understanding of what a difference a year can make. and i'll hope for better things. and i'll try to make sense of some things. and i won't live life with assumptions -- about anything.