empty

i've been coming to the end of things. finishing things that were here when Jarronn was here. the last of his cocoa butter. the last of the glass cleaner. the last of the giant tub of country crock. all empty.

last month, it was the huge bottle of era detergent. the very special detergent that Jarronn told me was the only detergent he would use. that he had searched for years to find a detergent he liked, and era was it. i once went to two grocery stores looking for era and bought tide when i couldn't find it. he went out the next day and found some at bj's. told me i could use the tide for my clothes, but his had to be done with era. i finished it. now it's empty.

it's a natural attrition, i guess. things run out. and they get replaced by new things. my products. my choices. whipped butter for the country crock. tide for the era.

but it's funny how finishing the era feels like the end of one.

what used to be a simple exercise in rinsing and recycling large plastic containers has become much tougher. much more sad.

they remind me of all the change my life has gone through. of how time keeps moving. and that there was a space, once occupied by Jarronn, that is now empty.

white plates

last week, i had a few friends over for dinner. i was excited, because it gave me a chance to pull out a lot of the things in my kitchen that i registered for and imagined using once i got married. the nice placemats. the cloth napkins and napkin holders. the place setting holders. the bone china serving dishes.

in preparation, i went out and bought some new plates. not that i didn't have plates in the cupboard. but these were white plates. nothing too fancy. in fact i got a whole 18-piece set at ikea for less than $25. but they're white. which is what i wanted.

when Jarronn and i were picking things for the house, we collected a mish-mash of things -- from my apartment, his apartment, and housewarming gifts. i asked that we get white plates, because they go with everything, can be mixed and matched, and food always looks good on them.

but Jarronn didn't like that idea. and he could be pretty adamant when it came to choosing things for the house. almost as though he didn't want to be labeled as the man that left all "domestic" decisions to the woman. we registered for a nice set of white china at crate & barrel, but for the everyday plates, he chose a light yellow colored set. and he seemed passionate about it, so i compromised on it. and really, the set he chose was lovely.

since Jarronn died, i've hardly entertained like i'd (we'd) hoped to. but when it came time to do my own dinner, i got my white plates. and after i finished setting the table, i stood back and felt so pleased. it was just the way i wanted it to be.

 

having a partner is great. and i would never choose white plates over having Jarronn around to compromise with. but being able to make my own decisions, without the need to compromise is also great. call it my attempt at appreciating the situation that's been given to me. but i do appreciate it. and i do like that sometimes in life, i can get just. what. i. want.

memory monday #5

on saturday, i went to a family and friends get-together at my mom's house in new jersey. i tend to question if everyone feels that their family is crazy in the same way Jarronn and i always have. but in any case, i guess this is why our families always got along so well.

everyone in my family loved Jarronn (especially my aunties, who would ask if he had a much older brother or wealthy uncle somewhere). and seeing how well he got along with my family meant a lot to me.

today's memory comes from my older cousin, nikki. she was the maid of honor in our wedding and has always been more like an older sister to me.

It was July 5, 2007 (I think that's the right date). It was during the party at the club house in Princeton to celebrate 5 years that you guys were at the house. I arrived late, but was so surprised to see how much family was there that i haven't seen in ages. You were there with your hair in a curly style (looking gorgeous as usual), and Jarronn was by your side in an African get up that I thought looked great on him. I always thought you guys looked amazing together. A part of me was jealous of the connection you two had. (but good jealousy, I promise.. lol)

Anywho, throughout the night I had a chance to talk to Jarronn and was always impressed with the way he spoke. I had plenty of laughs as he acted silly with Maria... had a blast taking silly photos of him playing around with Nick, and smiled as he did a quick twirl on the dance floor with Tianna. He filled the night with a couple of jokes, and had a wonderful way with kids. You know how we Tomlinsons can be a bit lively, silly, foolish, loud and love making up songs out of the blue at times). That night Jarronn fit right in like he's been a part of it all for quite a while. He was an amazing person, you knew that the moment you met him, and were convinced it was the truth the moment he spoke.

That day wasn't the first time I had met Jarronn, but that day was the first time I knew he would be ... and is... family.

A few photos attached of the silly man! :-)

Love you so much Jess!
Nikk

the question

a lot of people ask it.

and i typically have a different answer every single time. not even because the way i'm feeling fluctuates that much. but more so because i haven't gotten the script down. not the kind of script that is politically correct. but the kind of script that accurately and succinctly captures what it is that i feel.

the question "how are you doing?" seems much better suited for people with lives that are far more normal than mine. for lives that contain events that don't cause people to say, "i can't imagine..."

i find it incredibly challenging to capture how i'm doing in a simple response. or in a couple of minutes. i struggle to be honest about the very difficult moments without sounding like i walk around depressed all the time, which wouldn't be accurate. and i struggle to prevent others from pushing me back to "better" before i'm really ready to get there. (if such a place even really exists). and no matter what i say, i feel unconvinced that i was able to come close to conveying my true feelings. my state of "doing."

so after i fumble through my response, thinking in my head that i'm talking all over the place, most people tell me i "look good." or even great. and i wish i knew how my look now compares to what i looked like before all of this. is it just as good? or just good with all things considered?

and after every one of those conversations, i leave thinking, "man, Jessica. you need to get your script together."

struggle

i am blessed

in so many ways

and yet...

i sometimes

struggle

to not feel sorry for myself.

memory monday #4

last week, i spent a couple of nights on my couch -- something i don't do very often and something i hadn't done in a very long time. while sometimes sleep just takes over, i generally wake up unhappy with myself for falling asleep on the couch. mainly because it typically means sore muscles and me not feeling that refreshed. my dreams get a little more crazy. i feel like i'm oversleeping. on one of last week's nights, i even woke up and went to call Jarronn on my cell phone to tell him about something running through my subconscious mind.

somehow Jarronn never had this problem. in fact, on at least two or three night per week, he would fall asleep on our couch. a big part of this had to do with the amazing fact that he had an ability to fall asleep ANYwhere. i'm convinced that you could have put him on a slab of concrete, and he would have been knocked out. and while i would try to wake him up and get him to get in bed, i was usually pretty unsuccessful. and my persistence would typically lead to him getting upset with me.

and so this series of repeated events became yet another lesson in relationship management: learn to pick your battles wisely, and leave the small stuff alone. if he really didn't want to get up, leave him be. and i knew he'd eventually wake up at 2 or 3 a.m. and either do some work he hadn't finished or get in the bed.

this week's memory is from my cousin maria, who -- like Jarronn -- also has had an affinity for our big leather sectional. she would actually look forward to sleeping on it when she would come to visit us.

on september 8, maria wrote:

Apart from the endless mischief and trouble that we caused together, my favorite memory of Jarronn was when we would fall asleep together on the couch. We'd been doing it since we first met, and it didn't matter the couch: from Jess' couch and loveseat at her townhouse in Jersey in '05, to Aunty Jen's couch at home, to their incredible leather couch in Maryland: that was the one time I got Jarronn to myself, and selfishly, I loved it. 

Even though we were sleeping and weren't speaking, it was the one moment where I didn't have to share him with anyone else. It was this long period of silence that felt so comfortable and so safe, that I almost hated waking up. It may sound ridiculous, but during that time I felt like we were bonding and it was this special time that I cherised when no one could interrupt. 

Jarronn and I don't get to physically take naps anymore, but I fall asleep with him every night feeling incredibly secure. I love you "big cousin."

Love,
Your "Marsie Baap" (*insert Jarronn's Jamaican accent*)

the clothes

it took me nearly a year to sort through, pack up, and give away Jarronn's clothes. in a sense, i'm glad i waited so long, because i think the passing of time made the process far less emotional. some people had asked me about my plans for the clothes soon after he died, and i really couldn't wrap my head around it. as much as i rationally knew that they were material things, i couldn't muster the energy and strength to take on the process.

when i got to the place where i was ready to move the clothes, there were other people who assured me that i shouldn't feel pressured to get rid of things that i felt emotionally attached to. but at a certain point, the clothes being there became less of a comfort and more of a painful reminder. more of a hindrance.

but i did struggle with the idea of just giving all of the clothes away to strangers. Jarronn had a lot of clothes and loved clothes. it was hard removing items that i knew he loved. that i knew he'd worn on specific dates. that i knew he'd never gotten a chance to wear but had hoped to.

so i'm so thankful to the family and friends who took many of his items. his brother likely doubled his T-shirt collection. his boys got sweaters and business wear and shoes. some of my friends took an item here or there. and even my dad is walking around lynchburg, va getting compliments on how "cool" his new sneakers are. (yep, Jarronn and my dad were similar, even down to the shoe size). it means so very much to me to know that things Jarronn loved are with people he and i have loved.

there are still a few things left behind. some are things i gave him or just always loved. others are things i was slightly hesitant to give away, but when all of the choosing was done, they were still there, and i took it as my sign to just hold on to them. for now. for a little longer.

overall, with this kind of thing, you just hope that you're doing what the person who's gone would want. and you can never be sure. and maybe, if you're like me, you even jump back and forth between questioning if it really matters and resentful that you have to make the decision. so in the end, after the thinking and consideration and waiting and delaying and rallying...

you do what's best for you.