i like to comfort people. typically not so much with hugs, but more so with words. encouraging words. i like talking with people about what's bothering them. and i try my best to encourage them through it.
at some point, i came to the realization that while i like to comfort people, it's extremely difficult for me to be comforted by someone else. i'm not sure why. i just tend to draw the most comfort from an internal source (Source). and while i may have been mildly aware of this before, i'm acutely aware of it now that Jarronn isn't here. now that the one person who could comfort me isn't here. i'm realizing that this was one of the crucial reasons why i loved him. and why i felt he was "the one." he knew how to talk me down. how to change my perspective. how to make me feel secure.
we probably all know how it feels to be upset about something, and that sometimes, we just don't want to feel better. we'd rather hang on to whatever's bothering us. even at those moments, Jarronn knew how to get through to me. how to make me smile. how to make me see it wasn't as serious or negative as i thought it was. it really was a gift. that he somehow had just the right words. or just the right amount of humor. just the right amount of empathy. or just the right amount of kick in my butt.
that was huge -- a huge deal and a huge relief. i didn't have to do the comforting.
i remember the first time i recognized this gift in Jarronn. it was 2005, and i was driving in my car, talking to Jarronn on the phone. we had plans to see each other, and somehow they didn't work out. i was upset and got snippy. we hung up after some short words. my mind was racing. i was mad. i was thinking about the fact that it was the first time we had had a tense moment like that. i was probably telling myself why i was justified and that i wouldn't be getting over it anytime soon. i was thinking about how i'd still have an attitude the next time i spoke to him. three minutes into the mind-racing, Jarronn called back. he told me he really didn't like the way we had gotten off the phone. he went on to say a few things that i can't remember specifically now, but i do remember how his honesty shocked me. and it, in turn, forced me to be honest. i told him i was sorry for getting short, but that i was really just disappointed i wasn't going to see him. and he responded saying, "i know. but you don't have to go hard on me." and it's like he couldn't have said anything more perfect. he didn't make it into a huge deal (something i can't stand). he said just enough, because he knew just what i was thinking and feeling.
i feel like i'm inadequately describing all of this. so much so that my head is pounding from feeling that i'm not communicating effectively. but the gist is that i miss the nuanced way that my husband was able to comfort me like no one else could. and at a time where so many people want to see me comforted, i'm sorry.
Jarronn bringing the smile out of me...