at some point, i came to the realization that while i like to comfort people, it's extremely difficult for me to be comforted by someone else. i'm not sure why. i just tend to draw the most comfort from an internal source (Source). and while i may have been mildly aware of this before, i'm acutely aware of it now that Jarronn isn't here. now that the one person who could comfort me isn't here. i'm realizing that this was one of the crucial reasons why i loved him. and why i felt he was "the one." he knew how to talk me down. how to change my perspective. how to make me feel secure.
we probably all know how it feels to be upset about something, and that sometimes, we just don't want to feel better. we'd rather hang on to whatever's bothering us. even at those moments, Jarronn knew how to get through to me. how to make me smile. how to make me see it wasn't as serious or negative as i thought it was. it really was a gift. that he somehow had just the right words. or just the right amount of humor. just the right amount of empathy. or just the right amount of kick in my butt.
that was huge -- a huge deal and a huge relief. i didn't have to do the comforting.
i remember the first time i recognized this gift in Jarronn. it was 2005, and i was driving in my car, talking to Jarronn on the phone. we had plans to see each other, and somehow they didn't work out. i was upset and got snippy. we hung up after some short words. my mind was racing. i was mad. i was thinking about the fact that it was the first time we had had a tense moment like that. i was probably telling myself why i was justified and that i wouldn't be getting over it anytime soon. i was thinking about how i'd still have an attitude the next time i spoke to him. three minutes into the mind-racing, Jarronn called back. he told me he really didn't like the way we had gotten off the phone. he went on to say a few things that i can't remember specifically now, but i do remember how his honesty shocked me. and it, in turn, forced me to be honest. i told him i was sorry for getting short, but that i was really just disappointed i wasn't going to see him. and he responded saying, "i know. but you don't have to go hard on me." and it's like he couldn't have said anything more perfect. he didn't make it into a huge deal (something i can't stand). he said just enough, because he knew just what i was thinking and feeling.
i feel like i'm inadequately describing all of this. so much so that my head is pounding from feeling that i'm not communicating effectively. but the gist is that i miss the nuanced way that my husband was able to comfort me like no one else could. and at a time where so many people want to see me comforted, i'm sorry.
Jarronn bringing the smile out of me...
Jessica
ReplyDeleteI have never met you, but it is so apparent that you were chosen in your beloved. The Lord and your husband both called you by name. It is so easy to see that you love and were loved beyond measure. Your honesty, your transparency and your sharing the truth in love through your grieving process is so incredibly powerful and filled with the presence and the anointing of the Lord. Gods amazing grace is leading you. I pray that the Lord and the sweet fragrance and presence of your husband continue to cover you like a blanket. I pray that you are comforted one day at a time in a real and tangible way. I pray that goodness and mercy……and the Lord and Jarron… will continue to follow you all the days of your life. I thank God in advance for giving you a peace that surpasses all understanding and a joy indescribable that springs forth knowing that soon and very soon we are going to see the king of kings and lord of lords…and you will see Jarron your beloved again.
Like you Jessica…..the Lord likes to comfort His people……He wants to comfort you…..with His word….His living, powerful word of life……you are so beautiful to Him and others…..many are praying with you and for you……and the Lord says:
15If you [really] love Me, you will keep (obey) My commands. 16And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, and Standby), that He may remain with you forever-- 17The Spirit of Truth, Whom the world cannot receive (welcome, take to its heart), because it does not see Him or know and recognize Him. But you know and recognize Him, for He lives with you [constantly] and will be in you. 18I will not leave you as orphans [comfortless, desolate, bereaved, forlorn, helpless]; I will come [back] to you. 19Just a little while now, and the world will not see Me any more, but you will see Me; because I live, you will live also. 20At that time [when that day comes] you will know [for yourselves] that I am in My Father, and you [are] in Me, and I [am] in you. 21The person who has My commands and keeps them is the one who [really] loves Me; and whoever [really] loves Me will be loved by My Father, and I [too] will love him and will show (reveal, manifest) Myself to him. [I will let Myself be clearly seen by him and make Myself real to him.] John 14:15-23
Praying for you Jessica In Him
a sister in the Lord
Hi Jess,
ReplyDeleteThe comforting spirit in you comes from our Father above. He longs to comfort us in our times of need. The way you looked to Jarronn for comfort is the way you should be looking to God at this moment for comfort. I did not know Jarronn, however he allowed God to minister to you through his words and actions whenever you were going through.
I know this has not been an easy time for you. And I can not imagine what you must be going through but know God wants to see you through. You have to pull on His strength. It is the only way you will get through this.
I love you and will always be here for you. If you need to cry, get away, or whatever, I am here.
Camille
I so witnessed that gift in Jarronn--and though I was rarely the recipient of his comforting, I often witnessed how well he was able to comfort others. People were drawn to him.
ReplyDeleteAnd sadly, through this painful ordeal of losing him, people are really hurting...so many people are desiring that comfort. Desiring to provide that comfort to you (as you recognized people are comforted by seeing you comforted).
But as well-intentioned as many are, we usually say the wrong things in trying to comfort someone else. I've sometimes been DIScomforted by reading some of the well-intentioned comments to your blog. =)
That's why Jarronn was so amazing. He was a reflection of God's love in genuine and exciting ways--a man that cannot be duplicated. An all-out great person. And I'm with you Jess...as painful as it is, who wants to be comforted about the world losing someone so great?? Yes, there are things to be appreciative of...the fact that he's with God now, experiencing no pain, the countelss blessings in the midst of the storm, and an infinite gratitude for being so privileged to know Action Jackson... But my true gut feeling is: he's gone, and it's not okay. There's no comfort in that. (tears)