Wednesday, September 9, 2009

holiday weekend

it's been hard to know where to start. i guess that's why i haven't posted anything in a few days. it's hard to put things into words. i typically try to capture just a sliver of the thoughts and feelings i'm experiencing. but sometimes i can't sort through the clutter.

the holiday weekend kicked off with an early closing at work. i had to head over to georgetown to buy my final text book. i figured i'd also buy a t-shirt. i found myself wandering through the men's section, wishing i could buy one for Jarronn. i walked across campus, wondering if i looked that young when i was in college. figured i probably did. thought about how i never would have imagined this kind of pain for myself back then. i missed how simple of a time that was. realized that the students i walked past probably couldn't appreciate the simplicity.

stopped at georgetown cupcake on my way home. stood behind a tall, blond married couple. thought they looked compatible. missed moments just waiting in line, whispering back and forth to pass the time. i would lean in for kisses, and Jarronn would playfully give me a hard time about being in public and me not being able to resist him.

made it home. talked to my father (-in-law). got into bed by 8 p.m. after looking forward to it all day. ate a cupcake. talked on the phone. slept for 10 hours.

saturday morning i cleaned up. tried to put some things in the places where they belong, as opposed to them being in the places that visitors had put them in. thought about how Jarronn would clean his nj apartment every saturday morning, usually while playing james brown.

i went to the grocery store for the first time in more than five weeks. ran into the mother of one of our groomsmen (aaron). talked to her and shed some tears in front of the store. felt weird to not have to pick up Jarronn's favorite brands. no home pride wheat bread. no monster energy drinks. no thoughts about which cereal to get.

I spent saturday night over at nate's (another groomsman) and quanita's. it was good to see friends. friends who were Jarronn's friends and then became my friends. we laughed a lot. and seeing noah, Jarronn's (our) godson made me smile. i always planned to have children down the line, but seeing noah would make me excited about having children. as you can see, Jarronn used to try to keep noah to himself. :-)

sunday i headed to nj to spend time with my mom and cousins. had a good time hanging out, cooking on the grill, laughing at my cousins' kids. children just seem to make things feel better. went to bed and slept for 12 hours.

mom cooked breakfast on monday morning. we sat in bed and talked and cried. this hurts so many people. i rode the train back to md. went to the mall to return a sweater Jarronn had bought the week before he died. the cashier told me she had gotten engaged that weekend. her fiance told her he'd buy her a real ring once he had the money. i thought that was good that she wasn't materialistic. she went on to say that once he got his house together, they would move into it and she wouldn't have to work. he made $1000 a week. she said she couldn't stand his family, because they were snobs. it's probably bad that i wondered how long this marriage would last. i tried to tell her to focus on the importance of them joining their lives together. she smiled the smile of a person who couldn't imagine anything going wrong. maybe she's better off than me.

i stopped by my godmother's for dinner with her and my godsister. had a good meal and a good time. went home and caught up with one of my best friends from high school over the phone. as i settled in to bed, i realized i had made it through the weekend. if Jarronn was around, it might not have been much different. cleaning the house, errands, visits with family and friends. but if he were here, it would have felt different. life goes on, but the activities of life don't feel the same.


  1. I have read for a while and never commented, not knowing what one should say but this post compelled me to break my silence.

    You are right, life most certainly goes on but things just feel different.
    Keep taking itone day at a time. I'll continue to have you in my prayers.

  2. Hello Jess,
    It's Adrienne (Derek's friend), I just wanted to stop by and say hi. This blog is amazing and your thoughts are more than inspiring. I commend you for picking back up and going back to school (I'm sure J-Ron is like...that's my BOO, LOL) You are an amazing women facing amazingly difficult times. But as you said you are making it... I still pray for you often and think about you and your family. May God continue to strengthen you and guide you through these times.
    A caring distant friend...

  3. it's interesting that you said its been hard to put words together. I find myself visiting your blog everyday just to see if there's something new and when it's not, my mind immediately goes to wondering what you might have been dealing with that day....or everyday for that matter. Then I send up a prayer. I know its as real today as it was in July.....just want you to know I'm aware....and i'm so many are for you right now. Love ya

  4. I agree with Alex. I wondererd the same thing. Just keep taking it one day at a time Jess!
    God is keeping you and you aren't called DS Strong Tower for no reason. Love always.

  5. I'm glad you laughed and had some good moments this weekend Jess. Children do have a magical way of making things better... :o)