Wednesday, September 16, 2009

jump

while walking around, riding on the train, sitting in class -- i often wish i could just jump out of my body. and jump out of my life.

i don't ever seem to get my wish.

it's hard feeling this way after spending an entire life feeling content. everything hasn't always been perfect. but i've been content. i've been in situations where i wasn't happy, but i could always look forward to when things would get better. i knew i could make efforts to change the situation.

this is one situation i can't change. and please don't tell me that God wants to show me that He can change it. i just wish i could leave it behind. i can't envision things being better. i envision me dealing more. accepting more. but i can't see better.

i want to jump out of my body. and i get the urge to scream when i remember that i can't. so instead, i wrote this blog...

8 comments:

  1. i wish you could truly see how much i wish i could take this pain away from you. *hugs*

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  2. I know how you feel Jessica...things haven't gotten "better" for me either. I just cry a little less...and sometimes I'm blessed to laugh a little more. "Better" to me would be to get through one of your blogs without tears, or not having to condition myself not to think of Jarronn while at work, maybe having the stomach to look at his pictures, or maybe listening to his voice in my head telling me to be strong when I feel there's no strength left. There is a void that will never be filled; hopefully life, as magical and wonderful as it some times can be, will bring new adventures and loves that will make that hole seem less stark. That's my vision of better...I'm not there yet, but I think my guardian angel will guide me there eventually!

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  3. To Ayana, your post was SO real...wow, it moved me.

    To Jess, thanks for revealing yourself in another raw, and very honest post.

    In reality, there are no words of comfort that I or anyone can offer you. (that realization alone is quite painful) And truly, I find little personal comfort in knowing that we won't see Jarronn again in this lifetime..."as things were". I can only revel in the fact that "things were" for a time--things were great, effortless, gravy baby--and that I was privileged to witness them...to be privy to such a great person...such a great relationship.

    I continue to think of him daily. (daily at least) And this past weekend, I had several instances where the realization hit me and I said aloud, "oh Jarronn how we miss you". or "oh God... Jarronn!"

    It has certainly sunk in that he is no longer here. But it sinks in a little more every day. So many people are hurting and missing him, but I know that brings little comfort. I can't tell you it will get better (though I wish to God it would) only that we are so fortunate to have known him...and will never forget Action Jackson.

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  4. i understand what you mean. sometimes we say cute lil christian phrases will all the intention to help, but it doesn't mean anything. they are kind intentioned, but void of anything useful to help us in the situation. some things you can't make "better." you just have to learn to live again. to reorient (is that a word? i figure you would know!) yourself with your reality.

    thanks for sharing this.

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  5. I understand what it feels like to just want to have an outerbody experience. One where you dont have to think about the pain, or the confusion of why things happen they way they did. You want to be thankful and you are but at the same token you want answers, and cant see the rainbow at the end of the storm. Supposedly there is one, right!? So where is it and when is it coming? I totally understand.

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  6. i just wish words could do more than they do....i'm sorry that they can't. I really am! I'm sure you wish all of these words could change things somehow because everyone has such beautiful things to say. I just hope that in some way, somehow, God will grant those of us who have the space to take some of your burden and help work through it all...love you

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  7. Tuesday Auntie Saundra called and told me she dreamt about Jarronn. It was really funny.

    She told me she had a issue with a young man and did not know how to handle it. Jarronn said Auntie it's o.k. I will take care of it.

    Jarronn did not realize he was not with us anymore. She asked him how he was going to do it. Well knowing Jarronn he did.

    She then starting singing the song Ghost Buster.

    Who are you going to call Ghost Buster.

    Jarronn just laughed hilariously.


    I really needed that because I was really in a slump. I was in the bathroom crying and I was asking Jarrronn to forgive me for anything I must have done to cause his untimely death. I know people can give you all the encouraging words but like alot of my friends have said to me in church scream if you have to cry if you have to everyone deals with it differently.

    You have the gift of communication which is a blessing and really letting people know how you are honestly feeling. I really appreciate it. Keep on writing I read your blogs everyday. It's helping me.

    Love MOMMA
    Etelle

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