still dreaming

i still have these recurring dreams.

the details differ slightly, but they all have the same overarching theme.

in them, i am going about my life, living without Jarronn, and discover that he is not actually dead. that though i thought he had passed away, he was actually just "away." the circumstances around where he's been for such a long time is never the same. once it was that he was away on business. another time he had been in the hospital. and another time it was that he'd been kidnapped and held hostage in a cave somewhere.

regardless of the details, these tend to be some of my most vivid dreams. they pull me through a range of emotions. first disbelief. then joy. then relief that it's all over. and then concern.

concern, because once i realize Jarronn is back, i start trying to figure out how he fits back into my life. for the first few dreams, it was easy. drop everything and fall right back into step. into the way things were.

but with the most recent dream, i found myself having a harder time knowing how to go back and act like time hadn't passed. like i hadn't been forced to keep moving forward. to keep living my life and find meaning in his absence. 

when i woke up, this most recent dream left me with pretty mixed feelings. like other times, there was the disappointment that it was all a dream. that this is, and has been, my reality. there were also feelings of guilt that i hesitated to return to how things were. and at the same time, there was some satisfaction in knowing that i felt comfortable enough with my new life to not want to rush and abandon it.

as much as it isn't my first choice, i'm finding ways to create a new life for myself.

back to blogging...

is it really the end of may? has it really been more than a month since i posted something? i'm sure i've said this before...time flies.

and there have been lots of happy moments to make the time go even faster.

one that stands out was celebrating my brother(-in-law)'s 24th birthday. in an effort to make it an occasion that would be special, i packed up a picnic lunch for the family, and we headed to allen pond park.

it was a great day. great weather. tasty food. a competitive game of taboo. even pops (my father-in-law), who is known to be a bit resistant to trying new things, had a great time. and thanked me multiple times for putting it all together.

i cherish moments like those, when it's the four of us who have each experienced the pain of Jarronn's death in our own, deep way, and we're able to enjoy one another and laugh. it almost feels like in those moments, we're really smiling in his honor. in those moments, i feel like he's really smiling down. and while those moments make me wish that he was there, they make me thankful that we can find things that make us joyful, in the midst of everything. those moments also make me thankful that Jarronn gifted me with such a wonderful second family.

below are pics from the day. the last one of Theo is definitely a "Jarronn face." :)

 

ecclesiastes 3:10-14

"I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil--this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him."

wine tasting

some time back in 2008, Jarronn and i were driving in virginia for some reason i can no longer remember, and we stopped at rappahannock cellars to taste some wine. i'm always amused by wine tasting and being told that a particular wine has "hints of blackberries, strawberries, and peaches." while i can appreciate a glass of good wine, recognizing the "hints" of fruit flavors in a wine, without prompting, is not my specialty. Jarronn, on the other hand, had pretty keen senses when it came to taste and hearing. and i still remember him that day calling out the tastes of different fruits and even being able to taste hints of different woods used in the barrels.

at the end of our tasting, Jarronn chose a bottle of red wine made from norton grapes, and we headed home. the bottle was placed in the wine rack on the counter and reserved for a special dinner we assumed would happen some time in the future and would potentially be enjoyed by a few of our close friends.

sadly, we never got to share the bottle of wine.

instead, it sat on the rack, and for awhile i couldn't imagine opening it. similar to other things in the house, i didn't want the bottle to go empty.

when i came around to the idea of opening it, i wanted to make sure it was on a special occasion. that it was with close family and friends. i thought i'd share it along with some wine i'd bought in napa valley. but we never had need to open it. i took it to a friend's party, and we never got to it. and the bottle continued to sit on the rack.

finally, i came to the realization that i might actually be doing the wine a disservice. that i had assumed that the wine would get better with age, but in reality, that rule doesn't apply to all wines. some wines stop maturing. and i could possibly miss a window of opportunity with all of my guarding and waiting.

so one friday night, while cooking dinner for myself, i decided to open the bottle of wine for myself (don't worry, the plan was never to drink the whole bottle in one sitting). opening the bottle felt special, significant, and like it connected me to Jarronn.

i sniffed. i swirled. i tasted. and the wine tasted...average. i thought that as the wine breathed that it might have gotten better with time. but as i tasted more and more, i realized i really didn't like the wine. i couldn't remember how it had tasted at the winery, and i clearly couldn't get Jarronn's second opinion. but i found myself working hard to drink it. wishing that i was enjoying it. knowing that i wasn't.

all of that waiting. all of that anticipation. and the end result was pretty disappointing. it was a reminder to enjoy more things in the moment, while we can. but it also seemed to teach me that certain things are meant to be enjoyed at a specific time or in a particular season. and when the time is over, it's over.

i never finished the bottle of wine. but i did save the cork.

memory monday #7

it's been awhile since i've done one of these memory monday posts. but this memory below got my week off to a laughing start, so i figured i'd share it with you all.

this is coming from one of my closest friends sonia, who i've known since my freshman year of college. after i graduated and moved to new jersey for work, sonia was one of the few people who really kept up with me as i adjusted to life away from all of my friends.

because we talked frequently, this also meant that she was the first friend to hear about Jarronn after i'd met him. in fact, her advice helped me navigate more than one "men don't make any sense" moment with Jarronn. and ultimately, she was probably the person who helped me understand why he and i would always work, when she told me, "the secret to your heart, jessica, is to keep you laughing. the person who does that will win every time."

she was right.

and she and Jarronn became great friends, mainly because they were both incredibly funny, silly and quick on their feet. they even had nicknames for each other. (Jarronn was "brother tipsy" and sonia was "sister secular." loooooong story.) :-)

on july 30, sonia wrote:

I have so many hilarious memories of Jarronn. He was hands down one of the funniest people I've ever met. Whenever I saw him he always had a funny greeting, a joke, something. 

My favorite memory is when me, him, Jessica, and a few other friends all went to see Stomp the Yard. The movie turned out to not be that horrible but there were tons of corny moments. 

When we all returned to Jessica's apartment, we spent the next 45 minutes re-enacting the movie for Jessica's roommate Roxanne, since she wasn't able to make it. Jarronn was the head of the Gammas and I was the head of the Thetas, or whoever the people who were snakes were. We got so loud that the neighbor downstairs came to the door [Jessica's note: they were doing cartwheels and acrobatics]. 

At the end of the night, we were all laughing so hard we couldn't breathe. That to me was the greatest thing about Jarronn. He had no problem being absolutely ridiculous. He had an amazing spirit. That's what I miss the most.

thanks sonia! i miss it too!

little things

after long periods of not writing here on the blog, it's sometimes hard to get back to it.

i guess i put some kind of pressure on myself to say something new or interesting. and when life doesn't really feel that new or interesting, i tend to procrastinate on my postings.

the truth is...life is moving. forward. onward.

there are more days when i feel more adjusted to the "new normal." days when i feel empowered by knowing that i've survived for all this time. that i've found ways to smile and laugh and love and live. days when not wanting to get out of bed is simply due to my laziness and not to not wanting to face the day.

there are also days when i still miss my old self. the "old normal." the self that had little knowledge of the kind of pain and loss i've experienced. the self that had the ability to imagine a future for herself. or the ability to make travel plans without waiting until the last minute. or got excited about holidays.

it's the little things i miss and the little things that i suppose deserve gratitude.

moving. forward. onward.

birthday visits

last week tuesday was Jarronn's birthday. 31 years since he was born.

the day wasn't quite as tough as last year. i guess that happens when you're no longer planning towards the date.

we didn't have a party in his honor like last year. and i didn't have as many people reaching out to me like last year. but that's not something i'm sad or disappointed about. in fact, fewer reminders of the loss and the need for people to pray for me probably contributed to it being a more manageable day. it's encouraging when it's sporadic, but it can become overwhelming when it's all at once.

in the morning, i tried reading his facebook wall and couldn't make it through more than a few posts without tearing up. so to prevent the risk of looking crazy to the people working around me, i quickly closed the page.

i did get a chance to visit two of his "resting places" last week. i was in jamaica up until the day before his birthday and went to our special spot before heading to the airport. it was beautiful, as usual, though some of the trees around the spot had been removed and new things planted. change is constant, i guess. the sky was blue, the sun was bright and the horizon line seemed to stretch farther than normal. i thought about all the moments we'd spent in that spot, from friends to moments away from being fiances.

this past saturday, i went to visit the holly bush we planted at the site where we got married. originally, i planned to visit with the thought that it would be nice to visit both places (from jamaica to maryland) during his birthday week. but by the time saturday afternoon rolled around, i felt a huge need to visit, as though it was the only way to find some peace for the day.

i was happy to see none of the deer had eaten off the leaves. at the same time, i hoped to see a bird land on one of the branches, thinking it would somehow give me a sign that Jarronn was there and could and feel me. i sat on a nearby bench and talked to Jarronn. not a whole lot, but more than i normally do, because typically trying to talk to him just reminds me that i won't hear a response. that our days of having conversations are behind us. and i usually can't bring myself to mutter more than just a few words at a time. the sky was gray, the branches were bare, and the only noise was the rustling of leaves that were pushed around by the wind.

it wasn't easy. from warm, shining light to cool, dreary clouds.

it was a big adjustment last week. it was a big adjustment a year and a half ago.